United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.

I am getting close to being more honest with this group. Particularly approaching holiday weekends when my BPI kid's non-participating father wants to show up for a sudden, unplanned visit. He just wants to show up at my house. When he walks in my house, he doesn't acknowledge that it is clean and cheerful. He doesn't see the plants. The new paint. How perfect my daughter's room is. I have to wait on him, make his meals, lay out towels in the bathroom... he does nothing for me. And nothing for my daughter. He just sits there observing her in this frightfully pathetic manner, if something should happen in that observation he just changes his position. He has no voice. Its like he is watching a movie and the dialogue has gone astray. If he shifts, I know that something is wrong. So I jump, and usually nothing bad has really ocurred, yet he doesn't have the language or the will to tell me that my kid may have been hurt.

I hate holidays. It is always that visit from that man that doesn't give a wit about his daughter's injury. I talk about the research I have done, the medical visits, her huge progress... it hurts so much. He looks at me like I am transparent. It just hurts. Some of you may recognize me from the way that I am writing, and the intensity of my pain and concern.... you know who I am. It just hurts so much to be giving so unselfishly to my BPI kid with such an utterly selfish father.

I am a single parent to a BPI child with an emotionally or mentally challenged father. It's hard. It is so difficult for me to find the time to research and identify right resources for my kid: schools, surgeons, PTs, OTs, help for her father, before school care, after school care, ballet on the evening of my professional meeting.

I want to regroup. I want to reestablish my concern with Social Services, Child Support, Protective Services to better convey how hurtful my daughter's father is, the Board of Education to get her better situated, with surgeons that I pissed off becuase I didn't know what to do...

Where do I start?

I would start by NOT waiting on him hand and foot. You are allowing that behavior to continue. Make him get a hotel room. Apparently this "arrangement" is only causing both you and your daughter pain, so remove him from your home. It is your home; not his. Just tell him he is not welcome to stay; if he does not comply, call the police. Not to mention the fact that you are modeling unhealthy behavior for your daughter. I do not mean for this to sound harsh, but to me, this is black and white. I simply would not allow him to have this control. You are obviously strong because you deal with your daughters injury on your own, so you can stick up for yourself.

my method of getting rid of unexpected visitors when time is tight or i am not in the mmod to deal with them is to answer the door with my coat/hat/sweater/gloves (whatever the weather!)
and say really cheerily, " oh, so sorry, you just caught us on the way out to the shops/dentist friends/mothers etc - if ONLY you called before you came over, I could have arranged a better time for your visit"
and them me and the children get in the car and drive, even around the block or to the shops, just to make it look convincing - he'll soon get the message that it's better to phone and arrange a convenient time.
This is a slightly easier route than simply having a confrontation with him - you should try it, it really is a laugh !
Best wishes
Karen

Hi, GC (wink, wink):

I definitely agree to get tough with your ex. Don't wait on him. And can he not see your daughter on different turf than your home? Why does he have to stay with you? I'd definitely put my foot down on that.

When you say he doesn't care about your daughter's injury, have you ever had him take her to a doctor? a therapy session? required him in any way to take responsibility for her care? Or is he just not capable of it? If not, can you get some sort of court order limiting his visits with your little girl? She surely can't be benefiting much if he's as bad as you say.

And regarding the angry surgeon (which you and I have talked about before) - my bet is you could work things out with that person with a little mea culpa. Knowing who you are talking about, I'd bet that surgeon would give you another chance. You were distraught when things went down, understandably. Give it a second shot. I'll bet things aren't as hopeless as they may seem in that regard. Really.

In the meantime, is there anyone nearby who can take your daughter off your hands from time to time, just to give you some rest? Is there a church you could get involved in - I'm thinking that even during the worship service, there's a nursery ... anything could help. Your daughter may have the injury, but it's her mom who really needs the support and love to keep on going. Please write to me if you want to talk.

Take care,
Janet

Please, please don't misunderstand what I am going to say. But I grew up without my father, who was verbally abusive to mom (but not us) and who had an alcohol problem. Mom got an order to stop him seeing us. He never showed much affection and our mom hated him. What I want to tell you is how very much it hurt us kids. We loved him to bits no matter how bad he was and I have never forgiven mom for getting him out of our lives, even if she thought it was the right thing. We had a right to see our dad. My younger siblings, who did not understand what was happening at the time, have spent so much time trying to track him down since and I know that poor mom regrets her decision. We want and need him, no matter how much she hated the way he was. He was our dad.
And if a surgeon is angry because you can't make a decision, run as fast as you can. Any doctor who puts pressure on like that is not fit to treat your child.

Null,

If your child's surgeon is "pissed off" at you for something you did while trying to do the best thing for your child, I would suggest finding another doctor. You have enough problems without having to kiss up to some doctor who can't appreciate how hard your life is, and who will hold personal grudges at the expense of your child.

There are plenty of compassionate and sympathetic BPI specialists out there to choose from.

Kate

How old is your daughter and have you been seperated long? I too have had problems and mostly because of this and the reasons you gave. He acts as if his son is fine and if you mention the word disability he gets furious. The more I argue and the more me and my husband do not get along, the more I blame the doctor, because this was the topper of everything. My husband lost his job right after he was born and he sank into a rut and insurance problems and things would have been okay if the doctor was not causing chaos in our lives. She has pulled some BIG ones. anyways take care, we all go throught crap sometimes. MAke yourself beautiful and go on a dates and find yourself someone to wait on you.

From your post it sounds like your husband is mentally or emotionally ill. In that case even though it is such a trial - I would not want my child to be visiting him outside of my close supervision. I just wouldn't feel like I needed to be slave to him -but I would want to be there for my child's security. If he's that inept you naybe need someone else to go to appointments with you that could be more help or suppport. My mom often has said it was a good thing my dad wasn't too involved in our lives or he would have just messed us up and hurt us more (he is better now at loving kids- the grandkids -but back then he didn't have much of a clue so my mom did it all and all grew up pretty well balanced and have happy homes and marriages. You won't be able to change him so just protect your child and try to find other supportive relationships. All the best.

Hi! You've put your right foot forward by venting-the first step to hearing yourself say you need to do something.And what a great place to do it. These boards are terrific-all you want to hear and know....and more! Next step-starting with you and your child. What are your needs? You've just stated them-child support, social services, any type of assistance that you are eligiblefor, which you can apply for all because you are entitled to that. A case worker will tell you what you are eligible for when you meet with her/him. You also what to explain thye whole situation so they can support you and your moves. As far as the doctor you chose, the above answers are great. If it upset him about your choice, then perhaps you need to look elsewhere. In order for you to get your life and your child/children's in order you have to start at the beginning. Get focussed on the maian concern and issues. You can also have supervised visits with your ex at the local Dept of SS. That is no problem. There are people and places osut there for you and yours-ask for help. As for your ex, you can't worry about him anymore. You can't change him and you have to move on. Look at your focal point, number one's. Don't try to change the things you can't-that goes for anything. If it is something you can change, act upon it with lots of help and questions. No one else can take care of you except you so that's where you begin with your child/dren also. Protect your personal nucleus and keep it your priority. Once you've established your own security you can set guidelines and they have to be followed. Then it is strictly up to you and your child/ren to move on and what happens by the wayside happens. There are loads of people with support here and you picked a great spot to get started. I don't mean to preach or criticize. I am a social worker for my state and there is alot of help out there. Feel free to email me at this address if you need. Good luck with things and keep moving on-that's the greatest thing you can do for yourselves.