United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.

My son Alec, is 8. He has had a great deal of success since his Mod-Quad surgery in TX at age 3. We are now struggling with a lot of anger on his part. I know there are articles about parents' anger in relation to the injury, please shed some light on the injured children and what can be done to have them more constructively get their anger out instead of the temper tantrums that I see so frequently. He seems to have no patience and often explodes! Help!!

Jeanne,
Does Alec get angry about his injury? I mean, is it obvious because of his injury or do you think it's underlying?
Emma (7 years) has a quick temper and she has gotten upset a few times about not being able to do something, but in general she is just very stubborn. She also has very little patience and explodes a lot. Then, other times she can just be the sweetest little thing.
I'll be interrested to see the responses to this post!

Peggy

Frustration is the constant companion of the bpi child. We are frustrated way beyond our maturity level when we are children.

Have you ever reached for something and it slips from your graps or attempted the simple things that others take for granted. And you just can't do it no matter how hard your try?... that is a constant for bpi child...

Anger is pent up... children need a release from this type of frustration... I had a punching bag and I used it when I was small it does release that pent up charge one feels when they are frustrated... I use to throw things out of frustration. I was restricted to breaking my own things that cured me of throwing (well almost cured me)... I think it would be good to acknowledge that your child is angry and they are entitled to be angry or frustrated... and are allowed to have a melt down... but not live in that mode... they must learn anger will not change anything only hard work and the ability to --STOP-- THINK and FIND-- YOUR WAY! In other words the child needs help to get control of their anger and frustration and to feel some control over their own body. A bpi child has only one way of doing things and that is THEIR way...we need to learn how each of us must compensate for the restrictions this injury has placed on our bodies... Then we can move on... it's hard to have it both ways bpi children must be determined or we would never move and we must be creative... we have to approach even the simplest of tasks as a challenge... everything we attempt to do become something we must figure out and determine just how we will accomplish that particular task... I guess that helps to foster independence, determination and creativity. Now that I am older I realize I only want to do things my way because that is the only way I can do them.

Recently my PT suggested if parents want to know how their children feel with this restricted motion The parent should use some keniso tape ... put your arm in the same restricted motion your child's is in... (pronated or supinated) ... tie a string to your belt and restrict your ability to move... restrict your arm to the exact range of motion your child has -- do that for a day or two... and let your child nag you about using your arm...LOL...just a bit of humor...

I would love to know how many have tried this. ok I am being a bit one sided here I think that the obpi child is very strong willed and sometimes hard on the parents... I am just trying to explain my feelings on the frustrations as an obpi kid turned adult......LOL... I tried to get my husband to do the tape bit but he gave me sympathy instead... Every once in a while when I least expect it -- I have melt down when I can't do something I really want to do...
But everyone has a melt down now and again... the bpi kids have just a few more that usual.

Kath

I just started noticing some heavy duty anger coming out of Maia - she's beginning to throw things. This week she threw a few things in my face. We're going to start therapy soon. Of course with my guilt about things... I'm thinking that my anger about her injury passed on to her so now it's coming back on me. I just know that she needs some help understanding all that has been and is (and me too).

I have recently read a book about this subject. It is called "Dealing with Disappointment." It is a slim book...some of it is really hooey, and WAY too "good mommy" for me. However, it had some interesting strategies for dealing with anger and frustration in children. It had checklists and play acting and physical techniques for getting calmed down. Of course, it requires the Mom to be particularly calm and sometimes that is just not a possibility. And some of the "games" that she recommends are just not in my way of parenting.
She does discuss deep breaths and "blowing" the anger out. And things like that. It is not a long read, so it is worth it. The author came to a lecture series that I am involved with.
We have to remember that, age appropriately, our kids will have frustration times. If school is difficult or they are learning new things...we will see the outbursts athome. I think that all of these age appropriate things are exacerbated by the bpi. In any case, perhaps this book can offer some proactive methods for dealing with the anger. I have one child who tends to get rather angry when things don't go her way (she is 8) and I really looked at this book for her. The methods do work--provided I cue her to use them.
I hope it helps,
claudia

Like Peggy said, my temper is very quick, much more so when cuppled with someone who has no ability to understand limitations.
Through much therapy I know that more of my anger stems from years of abuse at the hand of my brother,that's another horror story in itself.
I've learned that, in the more developmental years, the anger was more of a tool, ie: I will break(whatever) before it can break me.That's really not productive.
I was sorta' left uncheck by my parents at times and that really didn't help much either. They would let me go off until I got it back together.
I wish I could say that I've got it under control, but I'd be lying. The only thing that really helps me now is wife, she can check me in a split second.
It just takes time and patients on our part(the injured) and everyone else.

Thanks, Claudia.
I'm going to have a look at that book. If any part of it can help, I'll give it a try.

Peggy

As always, Kath, you have provided some insight for us.

THANK YOU!

Peggy

Steve,

It sounds like you are learning to get your anger in check and it's great that your wife is able to help you with that.

Now, if I could only reason with my daughter, but she will have none of that. I don't even think she hears a word I say (or anyone else, for that matter) when she's angry.

Peggy

Kath, you put my thoughts into words so well. I really try to be understanding (unfortunately, I'm imperfect though or "unperfect" as Nicole says) b/c I know that Nicole gets very frustrated and that leads to so much of her anger.

I think that's a great suggestion about a parent (perhaps even a sibling too) using some kinesio tape to restrict motion. One day I will do this.

I don't know how to sucessfully deal with anager and I don't know if there's a way to totally conquer it, but here are some things that have helped: we often pray for patience (and more patience and more...), we also have a YogaKids tape and try some of the moves / relaxation techniques / breathing, etc. Of course, if Nicole is totally irrational, I can't even get into attempting any of these simple things at the time.

-Tina