time to open up
Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2002 2:35 pm
Hello Everyone,
It has been almost a week now since i first found this sight and I feel I can really start sharing more of personal experiences with everyone. What you are about to read may be a little disturbing and if you have anything to tell me please reply or send me an E-mail.
I recently recieved my first issue of OUTREACH and I was thumbing through it on the way to the Gym and I saw a reference in there about children who self-mutilate that has a BPI. I tried to find an article in the OUTREACH about but was unsuccesful. Maybe i need to try and find the book. OKAY, well here goes.
Often in my teen years the only way I could get accepted was by showing everyone how I could plunge a sharp object into my arm without it hurting(Upper outside of my arm is completely numb I have no feeling what so ever)Anything that was sharp I would do it. Needles, pins, razor blades, glass, you name it. I am embaressed to be telling you all this but maybe it will help you in some way.But I am not Quite finished.
Four years ago I try to take my own life my trying to cut my arm off with a steak knife.200 stiches and lots of blood later I was sent to the hospital for a few weeks for serios major depression. When I think back upon this event on that cold Janurary morning I feel that If I could get rid of this problem (my arm) that would just be one less thing in the whole bag of "crap"
that I would have to deal with. To this day i rememeber feeling better when I cut my arm I remember seeing the blood and thinking to my self "this will solve everything, I feel so much better now" when I told the pshycologist this he said it was due to in my mind with letting the pain go free, the pain of past was somehow reperesented in the flowing blood. But, now I tend to disagree why, Let me tell you. I feel that I was getting back at my arm for all the hell it put me through I was "discplining" it, For being "bad" my childhood sucked i hated it, I would never go back but I have learned that it was not my arms Fault it was many other things that I just needed to resolve. I truly at that moment wanted to get rid of the problem and just make everything go away.
I am so much better know, with help from loving wife, aunt and uncle, and sister I feel more at peace now, And I feel more at peace now with my arm. Would I like to get it fixed Yes very much so but until then I will live with it. and try to accept it just the way it is. If I did not have erbs I would have never gotton to have met you all LOL. I still deal with depression everyday, And I still have my bad days but I will survive now I will conquer my fears and I will conquer my inabilities. Thanks you everyone for listiening it helps to vent this way.
Take care, and keep peace in your heart.
Love
Frankie
It has been almost a week now since i first found this sight and I feel I can really start sharing more of personal experiences with everyone. What you are about to read may be a little disturbing and if you have anything to tell me please reply or send me an E-mail.
I recently recieved my first issue of OUTREACH and I was thumbing through it on the way to the Gym and I saw a reference in there about children who self-mutilate that has a BPI. I tried to find an article in the OUTREACH about but was unsuccesful. Maybe i need to try and find the book. OKAY, well here goes.
Often in my teen years the only way I could get accepted was by showing everyone how I could plunge a sharp object into my arm without it hurting(Upper outside of my arm is completely numb I have no feeling what so ever)Anything that was sharp I would do it. Needles, pins, razor blades, glass, you name it. I am embaressed to be telling you all this but maybe it will help you in some way.But I am not Quite finished.
Four years ago I try to take my own life my trying to cut my arm off with a steak knife.200 stiches and lots of blood later I was sent to the hospital for a few weeks for serios major depression. When I think back upon this event on that cold Janurary morning I feel that If I could get rid of this problem (my arm) that would just be one less thing in the whole bag of "crap"
that I would have to deal with. To this day i rememeber feeling better when I cut my arm I remember seeing the blood and thinking to my self "this will solve everything, I feel so much better now" when I told the pshycologist this he said it was due to in my mind with letting the pain go free, the pain of past was somehow reperesented in the flowing blood. But, now I tend to disagree why, Let me tell you. I feel that I was getting back at my arm for all the hell it put me through I was "discplining" it, For being "bad" my childhood sucked i hated it, I would never go back but I have learned that it was not my arms Fault it was many other things that I just needed to resolve. I truly at that moment wanted to get rid of the problem and just make everything go away.
I am so much better know, with help from loving wife, aunt and uncle, and sister I feel more at peace now, And I feel more at peace now with my arm. Would I like to get it fixed Yes very much so but until then I will live with it. and try to accept it just the way it is. If I did not have erbs I would have never gotton to have met you all LOL. I still deal with depression everyday, And I still have my bad days but I will survive now I will conquer my fears and I will conquer my inabilities. Thanks you everyone for listiening it helps to vent this way.
Take care, and keep peace in your heart.
Love
Frankie