Rough night

[Taylor's Mom]

I just put my little ones to bed and I'm having a rough night for some reason. It's one of those "why" nights. Why did this happen to Taylor, why did the Dr. get away with it and I can't stop replaying things over and over in my head from the trial, from the delivery and thinking if only...If only I had demanded a c-section, if only a different Dr. were on that night, if only a diiferent jury had been selected. I'm trying to put things to rest but I just can't for some reason right now. I've tried to be proactive and make things a positive but tonight I'm home alone and now things are quiet in the house. I put Taylor to sleep and just sat by her in bed and looked at my angel and wondered what the future will bring. I pray for the best and try to keep hope that some how my prayers will be answered. Sometimes it feels like no one understands except those I talk to here. oh well, didn't really have anything to say tonight. I guess I just needed to vent for a minute. Blessings to all!

[CW1992]

I'm sorry tonight is a rough one for you. I hope it helps to know that we are listening and understanding. I believe it really does help to just write your feelings down sometimes - gets them out of your head for a while!:) Just know that things do get easier with time. Christy

[Shane's Dad]

Hi Taylor's Mom!
Hope your feeling alittle better now. I'm sure we all ask ourselves these same "what if's ", I know I do. Then I stop and thank God that Shane is here. Things could of gone alot worse in the delivery room. Then I think of all the children that are far worse off than Shane. I then feel lucky! Shane may not feel the same way when he gets older, but I will always let him know how lucky we are to have him.
So don't beat yourself up with the "what if's", we can't change the past. But we can educate the future!

Just my feelings.............Shane's Dad

[Michelle_16]

Hi. I no that this is a little late for a reply but i was jst readin posts over again and ur post brought tears to my eyes. I am not a parent of a child with BPI injury, i am a child with it. I can tell you now "your little angel" will be a great child because he has a parent like you who cares and loves him. I cant say i understand from a parents view but i certainly understand what it feels like to have Erbs Palsy and yes he might get teased and so on but that'll jst make him a stronger person and he will do in life, what he can. Thats wot iv done and i think im a pretty good girl! lol. I play the piano and the trumpet, i cant do sports cos im jst a stiffy and have asthma but ur son might play football, run, swim. Keep encouraging him and things will turn out alright as long as he has ppl standing behind him!

Good luck!

Michelle -x- (right Erb arm)

[Michelle_16]

sorry for calling Taylor a him. I mean her.

Good night!

Michelle -x-

[Natalee (Logan's Mom)]

Dear Taylor's Mom- listen, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I have said this over and over, "No, it is not the worse thing in the world, but it's the worse thing in OUR world". Yes, things could have been worse but that does not lessen our pain. I have so much anger and jealousy in my little body that I didn't even know I could possess. It's a horrible feeling and it rears its ugly head between good days and bad days. Losing our trial at the end of May has been the icing on the cake. I honestly don't see an end to the pain of losing that trial. Did you know that we have not had even ONE person ask us how we are doing since we lost these last few months, NOT ONE. Not family, not friends. Not even our attorney, who we spoke with for 3 years daily, has called us since that first week after the trial. My friends have NO clue and my family just basically say that we need to get over it. Even though I am totally proactive on education and with getting Logan the best care and doing everything right for her, I just wish it would all go away sometimes. I am so sick of thinking about the what if's that those don't even come into my mind. It's the sheer madness of what SHOULD HAVE BEEN. Thanks, Michelle, for posting... you are a great kid with a good head on your shoulder and you will have a great future. Yes, I know things could be worse, I've worked in the Newborn Intensive Care Nursery, I know... But, the doctor did nothing to help Logan come out, then got away with it courtesy of a bunch of BPIuneducated people in my community, well, we'll see how it feels when it's their baby or grandbaby... Everyone just expects you to deal with it and not hurt, when hurting and pain is part of healing. This was a preventable injury. It has affected every aspect of my life, even a little bit on our marriage- anyone else?? Not that there is blame, but just the tenseness over silly things with BPI and the extra needs... The best things out of Logan's BPI: the best friends we have made with another couple of a BPI child (their little girl is bilateral and SEVERE and the mom has a lot of depression issues over this), and being thankful for Logan. I thank God he gave her to us, because he knew we would do everything we could for her. I guess the part that hurts is that no one asks how we are doing... no one knows and we continue to hurt. Sorry so long... Taylor's mom, you are welcome to e-mail me and maybe we can talk on the phone. That would he healing for me.
Everyone- have a wonderful day and may God help heal every aspect of this BPI challenge and journey!
Sincerely, Natalie

[admin]

Dear Taylor's Mom,

I can SOOOO relate. I had a similar night in June. It was the night after Jack's birthday party. Such a nice day...so many people who love Jack and us...but I couldn't help getting bogged down in the regrets. He's so perfect EXCEPT for his arm. Beautiful, smart, funny, etc. But I try to think of the good that came out of it. My husband and I are probably better people now(i.e. more understanding of others' weaknesses, more aware of our own and others' vulnerabilities, etc.) Having something like this happen to your child sort of elevates you on some levels in a way that nothing else can. I know we've become more appreciative of the good times, knowing more of the bad times than many. Have you seen the e-mail that's been going around "Beautiful Flowers in Old Pots."? It's about a landlord who meets this old guy whose face is pretty disfigured. She rents her apartment (which is across from the hospital he visits occasionally) to the man, and finds out that he is the kindest, humblest, most generous man she's ever known. One day while visiting her friend's house, she notices that she has a beautiful spray of gladiolus potted in an old, cracked pot. She asked her why she had such a beautiful flower in such an old pot. Her friend said, "I figured that being so beautiful, the flower wouldn't mind being in an old pot for awhile." The woman immediately thought of the old man, and figured it was the same for him. When God saw what a beautiful soul he had before him he figured the soul wouldn't mind going around in an old pot (his diseased body) for awhile. I hope I told the story right, but think about it....our kids must have something special about them too. Hope this helps a little. Your letter really touched me to write (I usually don't).

Take Care,

Jody O.