United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.

Hey. Just now it is half past 11 in the evening and i am supposed to be out enjoyin myself with a group of friends. I have a group of 7 best friends who except my arm the way it is but 2nite i was goin out with those 7 girls and a few others. When i arrived at one of the girls arms she was sayin oh your outfit is great ... just straighten your arm and YOU'LL look great. well this statement alone made my eyes water. i was angry more than upset. basically i was told my clothes were pretty but i wasnt because the way my arm is.
The girl who said it is the teen movie cheerleader type who is soooo popular but also is disliked by a few. i thought i got on with this girl until she ses that 2nite and her and HER group of friends began to snigger as if she had said somethin to be proud of. Had she? Obviously she doesnt understand what it is like to live with erbs palsy but does she get a kick out of sayin things like that to me? personally i think she's gotta get a life, i mean thats somethin i would expect a young child to say but by the age of 16 you would think that someone can do somethin better with there time than put others down.
So i came home and thought ahhh ill jst go on to ubpn and see what evryone there is sayin 2 it. well there was nuthin sed on this board so i just thought id have a read throught the general board so i did. I noticed in a lot of the posts parents refered to the injury as a disability! i really do not like that word and it upsets me a lot to the extent that im sittin bubbling away here and with that one of youz were here to hug me cos i KNOW that you will understand the pain and frustration of everyday life. Parents must feel a great deal of pain for there children but do they really understand...cuz i dont think my parents do. I have never seen a doctor about my arm apart from at birth. I dont think my parents want to face the fact that im different and this upsets me and they WONT talk about it. and right now im soooooooo angry and sad that i jst dont know what im goin to do anymore... someone plz help. and dont jst think im a depressed 16yr old cos im not! im jst ... i dunno wot i am. i jst need you ppl so much to get by now. i need help! Plz relpy asap!

God Bless

luv Michelle -x-

Hey Michelle,

Gawd I hate prissy girls, hated them when I was a child, hated them when I was a teen ager and hate them as an adult. Don't let a select few make you feel different. Truth is I have always considered different as good.

You sound like you have a great attitude. Celebrate being unique, bent arm and all!

Joy

Hi Michelle...are you in the U.K? I only ask 'cos you said it was past 11 in the evening...as usual I'm up and on the 'puter (can't sleep..!)...I have a TBPI but I can relate in a way to the way you're feeling right now...people can really make yer sick sometimes with their thoughtless comments, and I must admit that it would have upset me too, thick skinned as I am.

There is another way of looking at this tho; in my experience, people who make these sort of comments in front of an 'audience' (her cronies) are really just sad little people who can only define their own existence by putting other people down; they are afraid that they won't be noticed or the centre of attention otherwise. I wish I was there to give you a big hug; but you can always talk to me; send me an email, and if you are in the U.K. I'll send you my phone number and you are welcome to ring me at any time....email is BlcE@aol.com...try not to be too upset...take care...Liz xxx ((((hug>>>

Teenagers can be so mean! But usually it means that they are insecure themselves. Try not to dwell on it.
I think that you could approach her and say that
you think her behavior is rude. In my opinion this person is not worth your time. You are special and
a unique person. You don't need this kind of bull
crap (pardon my language) from anyone. Stick with your friends that are nice and trustworthy. Just remember that SHE is really an INSECURE person to act that way. People only put down other people because it
makes them feel good, because they are wanting something in their life that is not there.

I understand why you want to be her friend, but believe
me when you are out of high school, she won't matter a BIT.

Just believe in yourself, and if you don't go to a doctor now, go when you are 18.
Remember you are a smart person, with friends and family that do love you.
You can become anything thing you want out of high school. (Maybe a therapist that works with this type of injury.) Who knows. You have the world at your
fingertips, and need to believe it.
Take care,
God bless,
DebJ

Hi Michelle,

I hope by the time you get to this post, you are feeling a little bit better.

I have a 20 year old daughter (ADena) and a 4 year old daughter Maia. Maia has a left bpi.

I guess what I wanted to tell you is that there's always going to be somebody picking on you - probably for the rest of your life. In your case - they might pick on your arm. But if it wouldn't be your arm, it'll be your hair, or your feet, or the sweater you chose to wear or the song you like to listen to. People are always going to find some reason to pick on you - especially at your age - even if you didn't have a bpi because that's just the way it is. Adena gets picked on because she has big breasts....and other girls go out and enlarge them and they don't get picked on! I don't get it. Maia goes to a preschool that just happens to have a lot of prissy moms there (they're all pretty rich and snooty) - well I get snubbed big time because I am their worst nightmare. I drive an old car, don't color my grey hair, am overweight, have wrinkles. You name it, I got it. Yea it angers me - especially when it affects Maia. She's never invited on a playdate with their kids - God forbid! But I try to surround myself with people who like me for who I am. I may not have a lot of friends but I have a couple of them who really love me. You have 7 good friends, that respect you and accept you - this is a true blessing!

My brother once told me (before going into a meeting that was going to be awful)... he told me - before you get there, coat yourself with Teflon coating (in your mind) and that way if anyone says anything really rotten to you, it'll just slide off. I wished I remembered to do that more often... lol.

About parents who look at their kids as having a disability. I wanted to explain where this comes from. In the U.S. - in order for our children to get medical services over and above the 'normal' type of thing, our children have to be labeled "delayed" or disabled. Another thing is that many of the children have one or more surgeries - and the surgeries require lots of post surgical rehabilitation. This, in itself puts the parents in a mindset that is very protective in a way.

I am also thinking that back when you were born and there wasn't a whole of information around - the doctor could have said - it will get better on its own, just don't think about it or dwell on it. Gosh I've heard that a lot. If you don't dwell on it it'll go away. Also, by denying it, they may have figured that they were doing you a service - you just learned to compensate and go on with your life.

I'll explain to you more about how this comes about with a recent example. My little one, Maia, had some really good function going on for a good while after her last surgery. Then all of a sudden, one day it was gone. She was also in some pain. I spent a couple of days on phones with docs and in the E.R. etc. but when Monday came, I sent her back to her summer camp. Yes - as if nothing happened. Why? Because Maia is going to have to learn how to be strong. Her arm might go back and forth like this the rest of her life and she has to learn how to be strong and just deal with it. She can't baby herself each time this happens. Isn't that a terrible thing? I think it is in one way but in another way I think I'm teaching her a survival tool. And I also learned from Doctor Gilbert in Paris that "distraction" is the best pain relief there is. How will Maia feel about this? I won't know until we see the results of this as she gets older. I hope it works out ok for her sake. The alternative is keeping her home every time something happens and won't that make her feel like an invalid? That would be much worse in my mind.

I hope that one day - and maybe soon - you will be able to talk to your parents about this. They may have a lot of 'stuff' to share with you, too. Maybe you can start by showing them this message board? or maybe you can send UBPN your address (info@ubpn.org) so we can send them the next Outreach and they'll read the personal stories in there and maybe it'll bring it out a bit?

For now anyway - I know you need a big hug right now and I hope my cyber hug will help you a bit. I'm 43 right now, but I certainly remember how horrible it felt when people said bad things to me. I grew up on the fat side and I never really was accepted during my schooling years. Those years were very lonely for me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you and you do something nice for yourself!

-francine

Hi Michelle, what a bummer this girl was so rude. I agree with what the others have said, it is something that seems to just happen. I was picked on for being skinny and wearing glasses-to this day I consider wearing glasses far more of a disability than my bpi-those years hurt! My 14 year old has platinum blonde hair-so she gets called 'bottle blonde'-you can't win! It still goes on a bit in the adult world, people can be like chickens, they pick on ANY difference. I can't say it bothers me any more, if you act confident enough they start wondering if the way THEY are is wrong, and you are right :0)
I'm sorry your parents don't want to talk about it, but you seem to have a great attitude yourself so they have done ok so far. Maybe you deal with things so well they don't even think of it-I know mine don't any more.
You have 7 good mates-wow that's great, you must be a gal worth knowing!

Hey evryone. Thank you so much for your support. I am feeling much better now that iv had a sleep and had time to chill out. I was just so angry at that girl. I dont usually get upset if someone says something about my arm - iv learned to deal with it - but last night i was feeling good with my new clothes and make up and she really put me down.
I will confront this girl when i see her again and tell her how she made me feel last night. She probably wont show any regret but I think she will deep down inside.
Everyone on this site is so encouragin it is great.
I think what you have said about there not bein a lot of information about Erbs palsy around when i was born is true because i was sent to a sick childrens hospital and it took a few weeks for them to come to the conclusion that it was Erbs Palsy but they couldnt tell my parents ANYTHING about it, just the name.
Although i said i hadnt seen a doctor, i dont feel i need to. My arm has made a good recover through playin the piano and dancing. Starting the piano was the best thing i have done for my arm. I am not expected to play at a great standard(my teacher know this) i simply do it for the excersice and its great fun 2. Also my computer is a great wee purchase because it really got my fingers moving. i type correctly with both hand... and on the right keys (arent i great?-lol)
I have a little advice for Maia's mum. Let her do what ever she likes. If she wants to dance, play sports, gymnastics, karate etc. i have done all of them and i think that all that moving my arm around has made it work really well, and i havent had to see one doctor. But my arm still looks "bent" - at least it moves.
Well im off for my usual sunday morning roll and bacon with a "tattie" (potato) scone. we call potatoes, tatties in scotland.
Theres another question answer..im from the UK!
well hope you all have a great day, you all deserve it you are all great people and make me so happy!!
Thank you.

luv Michelle -x-

Hi Michelle - so glad you are feeling better today!

Guess what? Maia will be starting piano lessons on September! We keep her busy in the pool and with gymnastics and group music lessons.

Do you by chance have a picture of yourself playing piano - can you email me with it so I can tell Maia about you ? thanks!

you take care now,
francine

Michelle;

dont worry. There are always people like that in HS. they thrive on putting people down. she suspects you are an easier target.

don't be. im sure there are issues with her. next time she tells you to straighten out your arm tell her to straighten out her attitude and you'll think about it

Nice one IISPHID! I like that a lot :0)...trouble is, when you're 16 and find yourself faced with this attitude from one of your peers, it's hard to think of an instant come back line like this...it's brilliant! you really made my day...still chuckling now!!! :0)