PARENTS
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jeremyl2906
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:22 pm
PARENTS
I HAVE A PROBLEM,I HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD SON THAT HAS HAD BP SINCE BIRTH.AND I AM STILL HAVING A HARD TIME WITH IT.MY WIFE SAYS GET OVER IT BUT I JUST CANT.ANY FATHERS HAVING SAME PROBLEM PLEASE EMAIL ME.NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO. jeremyl2906@yahoo.com
Re: PARENTS
Hi Jeremy,
It sounds kind of insensitive for your wife to say "get over it", BPI's are something that effects the whole family and it's best to tackle it as a team. I have been guilty of trying to downplay the effects of BPI because I wanted my son to be as "normal" as every other child..but I realized that was a mistake.
I don't doubt that you want the best for your son and it probably tears you up to see him have trouble doing things. What are you having a hard time with?
It sounds kind of insensitive for your wife to say "get over it", BPI's are something that effects the whole family and it's best to tackle it as a team. I have been guilty of trying to downplay the effects of BPI because I wanted my son to be as "normal" as every other child..but I realized that was a mistake.
I don't doubt that you want the best for your son and it probably tears you up to see him have trouble doing things. What are you having a hard time with?
Re: PARENTS
Jeremy: People often forget about the effects of the actual delivery on the father. I know my husband is traumatized although he wont talk about. Just last night I was talking to my mom about my daughters birth 4.5 yrs ago and she said she will never in her life forget the look on my husbands face. That is how she knew something horrible had happened during the delivery. I hope you can come to grips with everything that happened, I still haven't but I hope someday I will! Thanks for sharing
Re: PARENTS
Jeremy:
Most men don't want to think about therapy, but perhaps you should. As women know, most men (I think it is hard wired) try to FIX things. And this injury is one that can't totally be FIXED. I think that is a very real and difficult problem for many men. I'll be honest and say that it was a really big problem for me too!
If "getting over it" means acceptance, then I think it is a worthwhile effort to make. And I, by no means, am saying that it is an easy transition to make.
My husband was always the "glass half full" with Juliana. "Oh she has so much more than we thought she would" or "she looks great". Even when she had almost no function. I always seemed to be the negative one, dragging us from doctor to doctor looking for answers. Really, his positive outlook was masking how he felt. He was in complete denial. And that denial started to affect our relationship.
Perhaps you and your wife could find a counselor who could help both of you understand each of your feelings. This is not a place to look the other way. Early on in Juliana's life we were so focused on her surgeries, therapies and lawsuit that we never dealt with how we really felt about her injury/birth. It wasn't until she was in school, therapy was sort of "done", and there was no more surgery to help her that we realized how far apart we had grown. He felt helpless--like he should have known what to do in that delivery room and I was angry and frustrated. Understanding that NEITHER ONE OF US DID ANYTHING WRONG OR COULD HAVE CHANGED THE EVENTS OF THAT DAY, helped tremendously. We started talking about how her injury effected the whole family and he started to see her injury more clearly. I changed too. I stopped focusing so much on her injury. Yes, there are still moments, we are far from perfect. But people grieve differently, and you are grieving--for the child that wasn't born that day. But you can celebrate the child you have. I know that Juliana's ingenuity and resiliance are a function of her bpi. I am so proud of all of her accomplishments. I wish buttoning a shirt was easier, but that will come.
You and your wife need to deal with this TOGETHER. By the way, have you ever considered the idea that your wife feels just as you do? And that her telling you to "get over it" is really her attempt to "get over it" for herself?
good luck,
claudia
Most men don't want to think about therapy, but perhaps you should. As women know, most men (I think it is hard wired) try to FIX things. And this injury is one that can't totally be FIXED. I think that is a very real and difficult problem for many men. I'll be honest and say that it was a really big problem for me too!
If "getting over it" means acceptance, then I think it is a worthwhile effort to make. And I, by no means, am saying that it is an easy transition to make.
My husband was always the "glass half full" with Juliana. "Oh she has so much more than we thought she would" or "she looks great". Even when she had almost no function. I always seemed to be the negative one, dragging us from doctor to doctor looking for answers. Really, his positive outlook was masking how he felt. He was in complete denial. And that denial started to affect our relationship.
Perhaps you and your wife could find a counselor who could help both of you understand each of your feelings. This is not a place to look the other way. Early on in Juliana's life we were so focused on her surgeries, therapies and lawsuit that we never dealt with how we really felt about her injury/birth. It wasn't until she was in school, therapy was sort of "done", and there was no more surgery to help her that we realized how far apart we had grown. He felt helpless--like he should have known what to do in that delivery room and I was angry and frustrated. Understanding that NEITHER ONE OF US DID ANYTHING WRONG OR COULD HAVE CHANGED THE EVENTS OF THAT DAY, helped tremendously. We started talking about how her injury effected the whole family and he started to see her injury more clearly. I changed too. I stopped focusing so much on her injury. Yes, there are still moments, we are far from perfect. But people grieve differently, and you are grieving--for the child that wasn't born that day. But you can celebrate the child you have. I know that Juliana's ingenuity and resiliance are a function of her bpi. I am so proud of all of her accomplishments. I wish buttoning a shirt was easier, but that will come.
You and your wife need to deal with this TOGETHER. By the way, have you ever considered the idea that your wife feels just as you do? And that her telling you to "get over it" is really her attempt to "get over it" for herself?
good luck,
claudia