United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.

I'm new to this message board and I am so happy to be able to communicate with people that have the same problems. I'd like to know how you guys have dealt w/ relationships. I'm 26 years old and have only had one boyfriend, and there are times when I wonder if I will ever find someone who will accept me with my disability, I even wonder if I ever want kids, after all I think it would be really hard to care for children having a disability. Please share with me what you guys have done in regards to relationships.

Cristina
I don't remember who it was but one young woman post on this message she considered her arm a filter....
It keeps the jerks you don't want any way... away!

I never seemed to have a problem dating but I wondered if my arm would bother anyone. No one ever mentioned it really ...
I had to show my husband how I moved before he noticed.
I am married 40 years we have three children and 5 grandchildren. I realize now it was difficult when I had to handle the children so much but that time really passes very quickly. Before you know it they are able to walk and function with your help.

I helped take care of my 2-1/2 year old grandchild when her mother was in bed for six month... I am older so it was harder but I did it.

My first two children were 14 months apart and I never realized it was more difficult for me then others until a friend pointed it out. I guess I am a bit of a dunce.

If some man does not want you for you and your arm bothers him you are WELL RID of him. Outer beauty is fleeting and not something to base a life on. You are so much more than an arm and if someone is not deep enough to see you for who you are... they are shallow.

Don't let your arm hold you back you can do anything anyone else can do. We just do things in a more creative way.

Please don't ever think that because your arm happens to be injured, you are less than perfect.

Kath robpi

I really can't help you with the relationships part since DH is the first guy I dated. But at the same time he doesn't understand my disability and as mine is getting worse he is having to learn more and more about it. It's hard but I figure if he loves me he'll learn about it and accept me. If he doesn't I don't need him.

As for the children part I refused to let my disability get in the way. I'll admit taking care of my twins is very difficult at times but I have never regretted having them and I refuse to let it limit me in wanting more. You just learn to deal with it. I've learned several "tricks" in taking care of my children. I'm sure as they grow I'll be coming up with a lot more too.

I agree that it's sort of a filter. But even if it is, I never came across a man who was bothered by it. Most of the time I told them before they noticed. I played pool a lot on dates, and I would mention it to them before we started because I knew I looked a little different making a shot. But no one ever minded, most of the time it was an ice breaker, a sort of way to get to know the other person.

As for the children part of it, I was worried. I'm currently pregnant with my first child, but I have a strong feeling I'll find ways to make things work for me. As I think back, I baby-sat a lot growing up and it was never an issue. I do things differently but they'll still get done. And what I may have trouble with my husband has already told me he, he doesn't mind.

Besides, whose to say just because someone doesn't have a BPI, they don't worry about the same issues when it comes to having kids. If you need to talk more please feel free to e-mail me sometime. I'm 27, and not too long ago I was in the same place as you. Asking the same exact questions.

I hope this helps some.

-Traci

Christina,
its nice to meet you, I am 19 years old with ROBPI. I never let this hold me back though. If I want to do something, I will find a way.
Your arm can only hold you back if you allow it to. Go out and meet guys, have a good time and if they will not accept you for you, just the way you are then it is their loss, and you dont need that in your life anyway.
I too have only had one boyfriend, but that is because I am not into dating right now, I am sure if I was looking to date and get serious (like talk of marriage) that it would be very possible. I just want to get through college before I start in with the dating scene.
You know in your heart what you want and never settle for any thing less, if you want kids, have kids. Sure it will be hard at times, but it is hard for mothers and fathers that have two fully functional arms. I love babies, so I know they will be in my future, I will not settle for no kids!

Good luck to you!!!
Amy 19 ROBPI from MN

Everyone has had great input and advice!

I never really thought much about it when I was in high school. BUT, I was always afraid to go to dances because I can't lift my arm high enough to put over the guys shoulder. Haha.

I did get married very young. My hubby actually never noticed it until I pointed it out. Well that's what he "says". :0)

I have two children, 20 months apart. I have never had any issues with taking care of them. THe only thing was when they were brand new I was afraid to hold them with my BPI arm while walking around because I was afraid I'd not be able to support their little head. But after they got older I got more confident and can carry both of my munchkins at the same time with out a problem.
I have just adapted and adjusted. It's very do-able!

I'm sure you will be just fine!!
I like what was said about the "filter"! It's very true- if a guy isnt going to date you because of your arm, he isn't worth your time anyway- you can do way better than that!!

I have to say Ditto to what everyone above has said about dating....who wants someone who would care one way or the other about their disability?

As for children....I am LOBPI, and 38. I was 24 when we had our first. We now have 5 children.

I don't know if it was harder than for women without BPI, it probably was....Being a new Mom is always hard. The things that make it hardest are universal though, not BPI related. The BPI things are just a matter of figuring out what "tricks" work best for you, just like with doing most everyday things with BPI.

THANK YOU GUYS, for this conforting words, reading them makes me feel much better. I have never talked to anyone about my disability. I have always hidden it an tried my best to keep it a secret. My family has always looked at it at its just gods will.

Cristina
We all had no one to talk to that "truly understood" until we found each other.
My family did not treat me as if I was different or disabled. They did work very hard to keep me moving but I thought it was play. So I did not realize until I was an adult how much they did. We did not talk about my arm it was not the main focus of my life ever.
But it felt great to meet people who understood.
I never thought I needed support etc... but it's great to have all these UBPN friends to talk and vent with.
Welcome aboard the OBPI express! LOL...
Kath (adult/robpi)

Hello and welcome to the boards. I wouldn't let your arm stand in the way of any relationship. If a man (is that what they call them still hehehe) does not truly love you for who you are inside then why bother. I am a mother and have a LOBPI injury. When you become a mother nothing will stop you from taking the best care of your child and there is alaways a way to make things easier. I wouldn't let anything hold you back. Enjoy life as it comes keep your chin up.