Re: am I the only one....?
Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 5:50 pm
*WARNING: very long, go get your coffee and a snack!
Hello, Rachel. Welcome to the board. Hopefully, this will not be your only thread and you'll continue to post at least occasionally. Sorry I'm so late in replying. I tend to "talk" a lot, as I'm sure you'll soon discover. LOL!
I'm sorry that you are mad, but if those are your true feelings, then I'm glad that you shared them. I'm not sure why some of the parents seem to be mad back at you for being mad. Although I don't agree with everything you said, I like to read the thoughts of the people who actually live with this injury. I'm the mom of a beautiful 7 y.o. daughter, Nicole, who has a LOBPI and a 23 month old son, Joshua, who's a little cutie.
It's interesting that you mentioned being a trumpet and trombone player b/c those are the two instruments that Nicole's Kindermusik instructor recently told me would likely be good options for Nicole. Her injury is severe and she has very little use of her fingers (they cannot extend), so something like a violin would likely be very difficult for Nicole, although I'd never tell her what instruments she can and can't do. Nicole also loves to dance and is in her 4th year.
Have we tried to "fix" Nicole's arm? I guess I'd have to say no b/c I knew from early on that in this imperfect system that we live in, it will never be completely healed. Rather, we look forward to a time when we will all have perfect health and live on a paradise earth. In the meantime, we did take a pretty aggressive approach to helping Nicole's injury to recover as much as possible. She had 4 surgeries, all under the age of 3, and has had lots of PT, OT, Aqua PT and various forms of "alternative" therapy, such as dance & Kindermusik (as I mentioned), therapeutic horseback riding, skiing in a special program, etc. Nicole has always been a very willing participant in the therapy, which helped me to feel confident that for her it was the right decision. At this point, her formal therapy is basically limited to OT monthly and annual PT & OT evaluations. The decrease in therapy has been a gradual shift for us. Your dad mentioned doing therapy for 24 months. I agree that there is a limited time when you can really benefit a lot from regular therapy and then need to shift more to participating in group activities (such as sports, swimming, dance, etc.). I think that surgery extends that window of opportunity for improvement though.
I have thought a lot about Nicole feeling like we were always trying to "fix" her and the possible psychological impact. I think that was part of my decision to decline a recently recommended surgery, which would hopefully help her to be able to supinate. Now that Nicole is older, she can participate more in medical decisions and I got her input. She is okay with not being able to supinate and I chose to support that decision and not have the surgery done. I think that one of the big reasons we had the other surgeries done is b/c I've read a lot about pain and overuse of the uninjured arm and wanted to do all we could to avoid that. Did you know that you forget most of what you experience within the first 2 years of life? That made it easier to have the surgeries done when Nicole was so young. Little ones can handle it so much better than the older ones. You mentioned that you probably wouldn't want to have surgery now to fix anything (although there are likely some things that could be done if you ever change your mind) b/c you've found your own way of doing things. I knew that Nicole would find her own way of doing things with or w/o surgery, but another reason we did the surgeries at such a young age is b/c we wanted to help the nerves and muscles before the habits were set, knowing that as you said, it would be harder to change the ways of doing things later. I think a lot of people your age who haven't had surgery and aren't in pain would likely choose to continue w/o surgery too.
I'd like to let you know though that I'm not on this board b/c I feel sorry for myself or for Nicole. I've never felt that way. Sure, I'm sorry that she was injured esp. when she didn't have to be, but I don't "feel sorry" for her, if you know what I mean, nor does she feel sorry for herself. Sure, some things are more difficult, but she usually just adjusts as she needs to. For me, at this point, I mostly visit the board to offer support when I can. Why do people need support? Not just b/c they might be feeling sorry for themselves, but there are lots of reasons. People often have ?s about finding / selecting a specialist, making decisions on whether or not to have a surgery done, what forms of therapy people are doing and having success with, if they should pursue litigation, how to select an attorney, how to fight insurance company rejections, how to receive early intervention services, how to receive school services (esp. when they try to deny them), if their child should even get school services, how to select a daycare, etc. etc. This board is the source of information for so many people b/c often parents of older children and adults with BPIs are a much greater source of information than drs. or other literature out there. For some, this is simply a place to vent about frustrations. For me, I think it has helped me to be able to help others. As the Bible says, there is more happiness in giving than in receiving.
It might seem like people here obsess over BPIs b/c that's why they're here, but this message board is only a small portion of many of our lives. I think that Carrie really explained this point well so I won't repeat it all. I know that for us, this board is a place I might go when Nicole is in bed or in school, etc.
You mentioned that your parents realized that it was nobody's fault. While that might or might not be the case with your injury (as you know drs. are often wrong & are sometimes dishonest), it's not the case with most OBPIs. I think that is one of the reasons this is so hard for so many parents to deal with -- b/c it is usually avoidable. Some women have had drs. agree to do a c/s and then the on-call dr. won't do it; some women beg for a c/s or to be induced early, only to be denied; others have a vaginal delivery as planned, but have a dr. simply use excessive traction or even have a nurse jump onto their stomach. Believe me, I have read some horror stories about extremely traumatic deliveries. While Nicole's injury was avoidable and was due to excessive traction, it wasn't as traumatic as many of the experiences I've read. I have to remind myself that sometimes b/c I'll be honest I read some of the messages on here about moms crying all the time and I initially think to myself, would you just get over it and get on with your life (although I'd never actually say that to them). But then I realize that while I didn't feel the need to cry all the time, it doesn't mean that everyone handles things the same and some parents have also been through much more traumatic experiences. Nicole's birth was also much different for my husband than for me b/c he saw what was happening and thought the dr. was going to pull Nicole's head off b/c he pulled so hard. Many moms suffer permanent injuries during birth too. I never felt guilty about Nicole's injury and couldn't understand why a mom would when I first came to this board, but eventually I understood and have had passing feelings -- until I force myself to use reason and know it wasn't my fault. It's hard though, Rachel, and as much as you say, parents don't feel guilty, and most of "know" it's not our fault, it's hard to not at least briefly entertain the thought.
About the Dr. Phil show, I'm surprised that's what brought you here if you're just now posting. Anyway, I understand your hurt for the child. I too felt hurt for the child (well, for both children). However, I did later rationalize that it is TV and that it probably wasn't the whole story or that it was twisted a bit. Hopefully, you have realized that too. I have met the mom, Lisa, and she is a very "normal" caring individual and mom. Her son also seems very "normal" as well. I think that her "obsession" or whatever you want to call it with BPIs is about a much bigger picture than just her son. I'm sure that some of her "BPI time" has been spent researching ways to help her son, but I think that more of it has to do with helping other families impacted by this and more importantly, helping to prevent BPIs from happening in the first place. So, I guess you can think of BPI awareness and prevention as a part-time job that she doesn't get paid for, but does by volunteering her time. As with any job or activity, we all have to find balance and hopefully her family has found that balance. As I mentioned, when I met her, she didn't seem to be overly obsessed with BPIs. Another thing to remember is that her son is young and it's in the early days that parents spend the most time researching about this injury. Even if they choose not to have surgery, it should be done, in my opinion, after fully researching all available options.
Are you still awake? I'm almost done, I promise. Anyway, I hope that after "getting to know" some of us parents, you have a little different perspective and know that we're not all here to feel sorry for ourselves, but to exchange information and / or support to those who need it (esp. the ones just beginning this journey). I hope you know that most of us do live our lives and don't deal with BPIs too much except for mainly here and just as needed in "life." It would be great if you could attend camp sometime to meet some of our amazing children and to be a great role model for them.
Thank you also, to your dad, for posting and to the many others who added so much value to this thread. Most of the replies have been very respectful. For those who are "mad" at Rachel, or at least seem to be, please agree to disagree and value her opinions. It could be one of our children posting here someday with a similar message. It's great to be aware of all the different ways they might feel in the future. As parents, I know we do think of that and just try our best to make decisions that our children will hopefully be glad we made. Take care. (See why I don't post here too often?!) :O)
~Tina, bpmom@comcast.net, Mom to Nicole (7 y.o. w/LOBPI) & Joshua (23 mos. w/NOBPI)
Hello, Rachel. Welcome to the board. Hopefully, this will not be your only thread and you'll continue to post at least occasionally. Sorry I'm so late in replying. I tend to "talk" a lot, as I'm sure you'll soon discover. LOL!
I'm sorry that you are mad, but if those are your true feelings, then I'm glad that you shared them. I'm not sure why some of the parents seem to be mad back at you for being mad. Although I don't agree with everything you said, I like to read the thoughts of the people who actually live with this injury. I'm the mom of a beautiful 7 y.o. daughter, Nicole, who has a LOBPI and a 23 month old son, Joshua, who's a little cutie.
It's interesting that you mentioned being a trumpet and trombone player b/c those are the two instruments that Nicole's Kindermusik instructor recently told me would likely be good options for Nicole. Her injury is severe and she has very little use of her fingers (they cannot extend), so something like a violin would likely be very difficult for Nicole, although I'd never tell her what instruments she can and can't do. Nicole also loves to dance and is in her 4th year.
Have we tried to "fix" Nicole's arm? I guess I'd have to say no b/c I knew from early on that in this imperfect system that we live in, it will never be completely healed. Rather, we look forward to a time when we will all have perfect health and live on a paradise earth. In the meantime, we did take a pretty aggressive approach to helping Nicole's injury to recover as much as possible. She had 4 surgeries, all under the age of 3, and has had lots of PT, OT, Aqua PT and various forms of "alternative" therapy, such as dance & Kindermusik (as I mentioned), therapeutic horseback riding, skiing in a special program, etc. Nicole has always been a very willing participant in the therapy, which helped me to feel confident that for her it was the right decision. At this point, her formal therapy is basically limited to OT monthly and annual PT & OT evaluations. The decrease in therapy has been a gradual shift for us. Your dad mentioned doing therapy for 24 months. I agree that there is a limited time when you can really benefit a lot from regular therapy and then need to shift more to participating in group activities (such as sports, swimming, dance, etc.). I think that surgery extends that window of opportunity for improvement though.
I have thought a lot about Nicole feeling like we were always trying to "fix" her and the possible psychological impact. I think that was part of my decision to decline a recently recommended surgery, which would hopefully help her to be able to supinate. Now that Nicole is older, she can participate more in medical decisions and I got her input. She is okay with not being able to supinate and I chose to support that decision and not have the surgery done. I think that one of the big reasons we had the other surgeries done is b/c I've read a lot about pain and overuse of the uninjured arm and wanted to do all we could to avoid that. Did you know that you forget most of what you experience within the first 2 years of life? That made it easier to have the surgeries done when Nicole was so young. Little ones can handle it so much better than the older ones. You mentioned that you probably wouldn't want to have surgery now to fix anything (although there are likely some things that could be done if you ever change your mind) b/c you've found your own way of doing things. I knew that Nicole would find her own way of doing things with or w/o surgery, but another reason we did the surgeries at such a young age is b/c we wanted to help the nerves and muscles before the habits were set, knowing that as you said, it would be harder to change the ways of doing things later. I think a lot of people your age who haven't had surgery and aren't in pain would likely choose to continue w/o surgery too.
I'd like to let you know though that I'm not on this board b/c I feel sorry for myself or for Nicole. I've never felt that way. Sure, I'm sorry that she was injured esp. when she didn't have to be, but I don't "feel sorry" for her, if you know what I mean, nor does she feel sorry for herself. Sure, some things are more difficult, but she usually just adjusts as she needs to. For me, at this point, I mostly visit the board to offer support when I can. Why do people need support? Not just b/c they might be feeling sorry for themselves, but there are lots of reasons. People often have ?s about finding / selecting a specialist, making decisions on whether or not to have a surgery done, what forms of therapy people are doing and having success with, if they should pursue litigation, how to select an attorney, how to fight insurance company rejections, how to receive early intervention services, how to receive school services (esp. when they try to deny them), if their child should even get school services, how to select a daycare, etc. etc. This board is the source of information for so many people b/c often parents of older children and adults with BPIs are a much greater source of information than drs. or other literature out there. For some, this is simply a place to vent about frustrations. For me, I think it has helped me to be able to help others. As the Bible says, there is more happiness in giving than in receiving.
It might seem like people here obsess over BPIs b/c that's why they're here, but this message board is only a small portion of many of our lives. I think that Carrie really explained this point well so I won't repeat it all. I know that for us, this board is a place I might go when Nicole is in bed or in school, etc.
You mentioned that your parents realized that it was nobody's fault. While that might or might not be the case with your injury (as you know drs. are often wrong & are sometimes dishonest), it's not the case with most OBPIs. I think that is one of the reasons this is so hard for so many parents to deal with -- b/c it is usually avoidable. Some women have had drs. agree to do a c/s and then the on-call dr. won't do it; some women beg for a c/s or to be induced early, only to be denied; others have a vaginal delivery as planned, but have a dr. simply use excessive traction or even have a nurse jump onto their stomach. Believe me, I have read some horror stories about extremely traumatic deliveries. While Nicole's injury was avoidable and was due to excessive traction, it wasn't as traumatic as many of the experiences I've read. I have to remind myself that sometimes b/c I'll be honest I read some of the messages on here about moms crying all the time and I initially think to myself, would you just get over it and get on with your life (although I'd never actually say that to them). But then I realize that while I didn't feel the need to cry all the time, it doesn't mean that everyone handles things the same and some parents have also been through much more traumatic experiences. Nicole's birth was also much different for my husband than for me b/c he saw what was happening and thought the dr. was going to pull Nicole's head off b/c he pulled so hard. Many moms suffer permanent injuries during birth too. I never felt guilty about Nicole's injury and couldn't understand why a mom would when I first came to this board, but eventually I understood and have had passing feelings -- until I force myself to use reason and know it wasn't my fault. It's hard though, Rachel, and as much as you say, parents don't feel guilty, and most of "know" it's not our fault, it's hard to not at least briefly entertain the thought.
About the Dr. Phil show, I'm surprised that's what brought you here if you're just now posting. Anyway, I understand your hurt for the child. I too felt hurt for the child (well, for both children). However, I did later rationalize that it is TV and that it probably wasn't the whole story or that it was twisted a bit. Hopefully, you have realized that too. I have met the mom, Lisa, and she is a very "normal" caring individual and mom. Her son also seems very "normal" as well. I think that her "obsession" or whatever you want to call it with BPIs is about a much bigger picture than just her son. I'm sure that some of her "BPI time" has been spent researching ways to help her son, but I think that more of it has to do with helping other families impacted by this and more importantly, helping to prevent BPIs from happening in the first place. So, I guess you can think of BPI awareness and prevention as a part-time job that she doesn't get paid for, but does by volunteering her time. As with any job or activity, we all have to find balance and hopefully her family has found that balance. As I mentioned, when I met her, she didn't seem to be overly obsessed with BPIs. Another thing to remember is that her son is young and it's in the early days that parents spend the most time researching about this injury. Even if they choose not to have surgery, it should be done, in my opinion, after fully researching all available options.
Are you still awake? I'm almost done, I promise. Anyway, I hope that after "getting to know" some of us parents, you have a little different perspective and know that we're not all here to feel sorry for ourselves, but to exchange information and / or support to those who need it (esp. the ones just beginning this journey). I hope you know that most of us do live our lives and don't deal with BPIs too much except for mainly here and just as needed in "life." It would be great if you could attend camp sometime to meet some of our amazing children and to be a great role model for them.
Thank you also, to your dad, for posting and to the many others who added so much value to this thread. Most of the replies have been very respectful. For those who are "mad" at Rachel, or at least seem to be, please agree to disagree and value her opinions. It could be one of our children posting here someday with a similar message. It's great to be aware of all the different ways they might feel in the future. As parents, I know we do think of that and just try our best to make decisions that our children will hopefully be glad we made. Take care. (See why I don't post here too often?!) :O)
~Tina, bpmom@comcast.net, Mom to Nicole (7 y.o. w/LOBPI) & Joshua (23 mos. w/NOBPI)