Anger Management Strategies
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Denise_Nach
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Tue Nov 19, 2002 10:23 am
Re: Anger Management Strategies
I'm not saying it's happening here but I would just caution that we shouldnt go on the assumtion that just because a person has this injury they are going to be angry or if a person with this injury has anger issues it is because of the injury. Francine made a good point in the fact that the way SHE felt about this injury has now come back at her through Maia. I think this is something to look at. I have two sons and the one with bpi is very light hearted about his bpi. He is totally accepting of it and figures a way to do things such as sports and athletic things. I think our other son gets angry more often and I kind of think it has something to do with him being the middle child. Anyway, my point is there are many reasons for a person to feel anger. Dealing with that feeling without lashing out is something I suppose we all need to work on. For me personally when I am feeling angry I try to think about taking the focus off of myself and that is what I try to teach my kids.
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Francine_Litz
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2003 9:03 pm
Re: Anger Management Strategies
Denise, How we deal with anger is a very interesting topic. In my childhood home, anger was not dealt with very well at all - to put it bluntly we were beaten pretty badly. When I had my first child, I made a promise to her the day she was born that I would never abuse her. So I stifled my anger completely. Even in the worst of days, I would just pretty much put myself in my room until it was stifled enough for me to come out. So what did I teach my daughter? To stifle her anger. She has real issues stifling anger.... and it's really not good. She gets to a point where she is so angry about something and she implodes (not explodes).
With Maia, things were so different. I was so angry I still stifled it but it reappeared as sadness and grief so I cried everyday but I knew the reason for the crying was that I was so angry I didn't know what else to do with it. Then when Maia started being so completely mischeivous (about 50 times more than her sister) there was just no stopping a reaction. She is one stubborn, forceful girl! (and thank God for that really) So verbal anger has come out and I know to make sure that she knows that I'm angry at the particular behavior and not her. Well Maia is a screamer! She kicks and tantrums and screams her little guts out. And you know what... she gets it out and it's gone!
Sometimes I think that I'm not being a good mother...but then I realize that every person needs to understand that there is good anger and bad anger. Good anger is being able to get it out of your body without harming anyone or causing harm to yourself... She screams and tantrums and then it's all done. We do some deep breaths - we may take a warm bath to settle down and she feels so much better! Dealing with anger in this way is so foreign to me...I always felt guilty about feeling any anger...but now I don't. I think that Maia will be much healthier emotionally for understanding and allowing anger to come out. We even have Lou going now and maybe this summer, Adena will learn from us that it's ok, too. It's such a good change!
With Maia, things were so different. I was so angry I still stifled it but it reappeared as sadness and grief so I cried everyday but I knew the reason for the crying was that I was so angry I didn't know what else to do with it. Then when Maia started being so completely mischeivous (about 50 times more than her sister) there was just no stopping a reaction. She is one stubborn, forceful girl! (and thank God for that really) So verbal anger has come out and I know to make sure that she knows that I'm angry at the particular behavior and not her. Well Maia is a screamer! She kicks and tantrums and screams her little guts out. And you know what... she gets it out and it's gone!
Sometimes I think that I'm not being a good mother...but then I realize that every person needs to understand that there is good anger and bad anger. Good anger is being able to get it out of your body without harming anyone or causing harm to yourself... She screams and tantrums and then it's all done. We do some deep breaths - we may take a warm bath to settle down and she feels so much better! Dealing with anger in this way is so foreign to me...I always felt guilty about feeling any anger...but now I don't. I think that Maia will be much healthier emotionally for understanding and allowing anger to come out. We even have Lou going now and maybe this summer, Adena will learn from us that it's ok, too. It's such a good change!
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Francine_Litz
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2003 9:03 pm
Re: Anger Management Strategies
and Denise - thank you for making me take a look at this again..it's a very important topic - especially for us.
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Kathleen M
Re: Anger Management Strategies
Francine
I don't think people realize that not expressing anger is very unhealthy. My mother could not express anger she was calm and gentle she spent a great deal of time talking to me and believed that you could not punish a child out of a bad temper but had to talk to them about it....but she would cry and was very sensitive...
I on the other hand learned not to cry and to take such complete control over anger that I did not know how to express it...I used humor... I was the family clown... I am the youngest in a large family so my birth position will make me the natural family entertainment... My mother described me as the Joy of her old age.... but I was frustrated and she did give me an outlet for it...
Try a large blow up toy... I don't know if they have them anymore but I had a punching bag... it was as tall as I was and inflated... the person on it was a comic strip personality... I could hit it...punch it sit on it... and then all the tension of frustration was released... I think bpi children may have more of a frustration problem than an anger problem... and given any help to release the frustration diminishes the anger...
I took some parenting courses a few years ago for a parenting center in our church. Both my daughter and I took them together to run the program... I was amazed at how they spoke of the electricial charge that builds up in some children and how to help them release it by using such objects to get out their pent up frustration without harming anyone. The course also reinforced the theory that children do not have good self control until the age of seven. Of course most us as parents think that our children understand everything and so should be able to control themselves but they say that this is not possible until the age of reason... and that is seven according to the studies used for these courses...
Fran I told you many times I do not know how my Mother felt about my injury or the doctor - She only spoke so positive about the doctors who helped her to help me and how great they were... I had to look at my birth cert... to find the name of the doctor who delivered me... so she transfered no anger to me... I believe that even in those who see no anger express by their parents many will feel frustrated and sometimes angry due to the injury and the restriction it places on our natural movement.I think that is natural with any injury that forces one to compensate constantly... so stop blaming your self for Maia frustration... it is far better to find tools that will enable her to express her feelings and not focus on what she can't do but on all the many things she can do... enjoy how creative she can be when trying to do things...
I believe if we do not let our children fall they will not learn how to get up... everything in life is a lesson and the best one's are our own mistakes...
Just think of bpi children as explorers... we must be in a constant state of discovery... everything we approach will be different for each one of us... just as all of our injuries are different...
Kath
I don't think people realize that not expressing anger is very unhealthy. My mother could not express anger she was calm and gentle she spent a great deal of time talking to me and believed that you could not punish a child out of a bad temper but had to talk to them about it....but she would cry and was very sensitive...
I on the other hand learned not to cry and to take such complete control over anger that I did not know how to express it...I used humor... I was the family clown... I am the youngest in a large family so my birth position will make me the natural family entertainment... My mother described me as the Joy of her old age.... but I was frustrated and she did give me an outlet for it...
Try a large blow up toy... I don't know if they have them anymore but I had a punching bag... it was as tall as I was and inflated... the person on it was a comic strip personality... I could hit it...punch it sit on it... and then all the tension of frustration was released... I think bpi children may have more of a frustration problem than an anger problem... and given any help to release the frustration diminishes the anger...
I took some parenting courses a few years ago for a parenting center in our church. Both my daughter and I took them together to run the program... I was amazed at how they spoke of the electricial charge that builds up in some children and how to help them release it by using such objects to get out their pent up frustration without harming anyone. The course also reinforced the theory that children do not have good self control until the age of seven. Of course most us as parents think that our children understand everything and so should be able to control themselves but they say that this is not possible until the age of reason... and that is seven according to the studies used for these courses...
Fran I told you many times I do not know how my Mother felt about my injury or the doctor - She only spoke so positive about the doctors who helped her to help me and how great they were... I had to look at my birth cert... to find the name of the doctor who delivered me... so she transfered no anger to me... I believe that even in those who see no anger express by their parents many will feel frustrated and sometimes angry due to the injury and the restriction it places on our natural movement.I think that is natural with any injury that forces one to compensate constantly... so stop blaming your self for Maia frustration... it is far better to find tools that will enable her to express her feelings and not focus on what she can't do but on all the many things she can do... enjoy how creative she can be when trying to do things...
I believe if we do not let our children fall they will not learn how to get up... everything in life is a lesson and the best one's are our own mistakes...
Just think of bpi children as explorers... we must be in a constant state of discovery... everything we approach will be different for each one of us... just as all of our injuries are different...
Kath