Closure?

[Natalie M.]

I can totally relate and agree with all of you except for one thing... we lost our trial for our daughter. I think that if we had gone to trial and the jury had agreed with us and given us ONE dollar, we would have had some closure. I didn't care about the money as much as that he would be DECLARED GUILTY! Of course, not caring about the money is not entirely true, I would have so many less battles at trying to figure out bills and many other concerns for Logan. I mean, like Francine above trying to figure out if her daughter needs private vs. public schools. She is lucky she can even PONDER the ideas... we can't. Or flying down to Texas for an inperson Nath exam- wouldn't be a problem, just pay for the ticket and go. I worked my ass off on a case for 3 years, it was my life, my vengeance for my daughters pain and what that baby has been through, and NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING!!! Not only has the doctor done this to our daughter, but he got away with it- double whammy's, how am I going to explain this to my daughter one day????? Our marriage has even suffered from this doctor- of course, this all comes down to allowing this to happen. We have ran into this doctor so many times since her delivery and trial, I even work at the hospital he works at. My husband had our girls in the grocery store one day and he turned onto an isle and there was the doctor, he looked at my husband and walked right down the isle next to my daughter!!! How dare he- he has no shame!! Logan, of course, didn't know a thing... it breaks my heart. He was sooo happy when he won the trial, he doesn't have to be miserable anymore- but then I wonder if he really is. So see, there are blessings in every situation if you look for them. No, Logan doesn't have a "perfect" arm, but I look at some of the other kids at her therapy and I am like, "thank you, God, for giving me a healthy child". I know at one time there was a mom on here who's child also had cancer... geez, I can't EVEN go there, that is horrible pain for that family. No, we didn't win, but Logan isn't as severe (not that this legally or physically matters regarding our pain or the lawsuit) as some obpi children I have seen. I guess this may be my way of mentally handling things. I truly believe we all have our own share of battles in life, each family does. Maybe losing our trial is ours vs. something else in another family. Sounds silly maybe, but it is a coping mechanism for me. Life has to go on, especially for my other child. I have good days and bad days still, and we lost last May. I still tear up and wish we had won, I do think that would make me feel so much better, because I am on the other side, we got nothing out of our trial- nothing. I haven't even been on this website but about a handful of times since we lost because I am so bitter about losing and reading other people winning just killed me all over again. Not that I wouldn't want others to win, OF COURSE! It's just painful... We don't even have people ask how we are doing about this... no one asks!?!?!?! I think no one knows this pain unless you are going through it. I guess I have no concrete answers for you except to think about your hidden blessings, that's the only way I can get through this, and time out for my husband and I away from the children to focus on us, a healthy relationship. And allow yourself to cry like a baby, like I am doing right now... Good luck and if you find magic pill to wash away the pain, let me know! HA! Otherwise, I truly think it is ok, to an extent to feel your pain, run with it. Then tell yourself, I have grieved and now it is time to live. My husband and I have agreed that we will grieve until New Years Eve, then we move on on New Years Day, I will let you know if this works!
Sincerely, Natalie (Logan's mom)

[LeeAnne]

As much as I relate and wonder if there will ever be closure, and want the doctor to feel the magnitude of his actions, it will never happen.They will not live with this injury. The money is how our system compensates our children for what they live with the rest of their lives. My attorney says they have a right to make a living , that can't be taken away, but I'd love to camp on a doorstep and put him out of business. I'd love to keep him from hurting anyone else. I found out he settled a case last year for letting a mother hemmorage to death after delivery, 2 years after Michaelas birth.It made me heartsick that I wish I could have stopped that.

Reality takes over. God has given me THIS child to take care of. I CANNOT take care of the world.It is not my job to take care of other children, just the special one God gave me. If the doctor has the right to make a living then I must accept this and move forward. God is in control, not me. God says vengeance is his and though I may never know what form it may take I must trust it will happen.God has given me enough to deal with and promised he would not give me more than I can bear. I must do the job he's given me to the best of my ability.The job is being the best for my child I can be and making sure her needs are met, special as they are.

This may sound selfish to some, but through lots of counseling I've learned I can not change others. I can only change myself. Others will then have a tendency to change in reaction to my change. I must mind my own and take care of my own business. I must worry about myself and my daughter and let God defend us. I must leave it in his hands or lose my sanity with anger, hatred and vengeance.

I wish you this peace of mind. I'll stop preaching now! LOL LeeAnne

[admin]

Thank you to all who have replied to my post. You have all given me much to think about. Lee Anne, your post amazed me and I thank you for 'preaching'. I'm going to print all of these off and put them in a place where I can go back and read them when I feel down and out. Thanks again.

[admin]

Things will get better with time. It is just so hard. I guess what helps me (sometimes) is knowing that the doctor did not intentionally try to injure my child for life. Although, it is WRONG that they are doing their job without the skills and training they need. And the lying is just down right wrong.

I think that we must take care of our child and that is the priority, but I also feel that God brought this into my life for a reason and that that reason is bigger than caring for my child alone. All children are God's children, and these injuries need to be stopped! I only hope that I am blessed with the strength to help fight this injustice and to help future children. For me, it is all much bigger than just my experience or my child, but this is a very individual thing and I respect each parents choice of how best to deal with this difficult injury.

I sure hope you find more peace and happiness as time goes by.

[LeeAnne]

Yes , every one is different. What I tried to imply by we can only change ourselves, which applies to everything in life, is we can go about this by educating others and finding a positive thing to do to help prevent future injuries to others, give others something for others to be aware of and think about.Yes , you can still make it that bigger experience, but don't let vengeance and anger be the motives. Let prevention be the motive.

The poems that people have posted on here about God handpicking parents for a special child, those give us what we need to remember. That should be our focus,yes, but that doesn't stop us from working on the bigger picture also.God does put these things in our lives for a reason and some of us are more educated and have more means to do the educating. I'm sure alot of us great stories to share to caution and teach others but not all have the gift to put it together on paper or computers.Maybe that is the gift God gave some of you. We all got different ones from him. Just a more detailed explanation of my 2 cents.LeeAnne

[sharlon]

i wonder the same thing re closure. i spoke with our atty yesterday and we are investigating alterations in marlin's medical records and apparently the doctors atty have already prepared a defense for the changes. it makes my blood boil!!!!!!!!!!! why can't the @#!*$# just stand up and say i made a huge mistake and i am sorry that i maimed your child. i think that would mean more than anything. i so want to teach my child that forgivness and love are the most important things but how can i if i can't feel them torwards this man. not only do i feel that he robbed her of her arm but also forced me to face the fact that i can not forgive him, at least not until he admits this.

[admin]

Today in the post I recieved a letter from the Hospital where my son was delivered 11 years ago,
The letter says

"The treatment provided was below the standard you were entitled to expect and I offer my sincere apologies for the distress this must have caused you..."

This arrived at my home and a letter admitting liability arrived at the lawyers office - so do I feel that justice has been done? do I feel elated ?
No, it's just an anti-climax after all these years of fighting.

So I say try and help yourself by realising now that an apology or an admission of liability won't necessarilly make you feel better about what happened
to your child.

[Elisa]

After I posted the other day I found myself thinking and hoping that my words didn't come across the wrong way. I was just having one of those days and tired of hearing about the girl who didn't make the dance team and has this injury, or the one that lives a few hours away that is struggling in H.S. band because now it is getting very competitive, and no one understands why she can't hold her elbow down like the rest when playing her instrument. I am just sick and tired of this injury, not so much the injury, but how it is caused and how it changes lives. The fact that it never had to happen and is preventable, is a whole different ball game compared to most conditions children are stricken with. So I apologize for my passion and I DID NOT in any way want to imply that everyone needs to take a stand and get involved to prevent this injury. That is a personal choice and we have to prioritize our own children first. For me, and I can only speak for myself, I want my child to know that this injury did not happen in vain and that other children will hopefully be helped somehow in someway in the future. And for whatever reason, only God knows, it truly hurts me to know what these children and their families have to endure. Even if my child had a miracle cure tomorrow, for me, I have forever been touched in a way that tells me loud and clear - I have to do more. I just hope and pray that during my liftime that journey and my part in it become clearer and clearer.

I hope that the original poster and everyone finds more hope, strength, and inner peace with each passing day. Things WILL get better for you and your child. Hang in there and take care.

[Kathleen M]

I could say a lot on this subject... I am obpi and never knew I needed closure... I just moved on and made the most of my life even with the challenges I faced. I think is some ways being obpi made me a very strong person. I had to make lots of decisions... that no one else could make for me... everything I approached required me to think... I also am very compassionate... Would I be if life was too easy...? I don't know... After finding UBPN three years ago I realized I needed to grieve my own losses. I was always so focused on what I could do that I never realized how many things I could not do. I was always aware that I could not do things that others could. But I always seemed to move on to different things because I would have been stuck in the I can't mode instead of I can)

Finding UBPN made many changes in my life ... I learn all the many ways this injury impacted my life and the life of my parents and siblings (something I was not aware of - I thought only I was affected by it) I understood some of my Mothers tears and sometimes depression - but never connected her depression with my injury)
I want to thank all of the parents for sharing and opening the door to understanding the emotions this injury creates in a family...
Do I have closure... I don't know...
Do I need closure... I am not sure...

Has openly talking about my injury and being able to now fully explain how this happened who did it and how to prevent it helped me ? .... I and only give a resounding YES – YES – YES… I find I am so much more comfortable when asked what is wrong. I find that the passion I have had for many things in my life is now transferred to preventing this injury. I guess God had this in His plan for me.

This message board and the parents who share information helped to prevent injury to my grandchildren. I had one baby who was SD and the doctor fractured my tailbone to deliver... I never realized I was in danger of having a baby injured like me... I had two grandchildren both very larger and my daughter is small like me... and I did not know that both of them had warning signs for BPI injury... I still thought I was the only one with this rare injury. When my third grandchild was born... I had the great gift of all the parents who share on these message boards... and I haunted my daughter to ask her doctors all the necessary questions to prevent this injury... (She is a nurse- and I drove her crazy thanks to all of the parents who supply information on these boards) She delivered a 9lb 9oz... baby Katie was safe and sound thanks to all the parents who post on this board and taught me so much about an injury I always knew how to live with but never knew that it could be passed down to my children and grandchildren... just because we have very large babies in our family...
Each time you post on the board or ask a question on here you are helping to prevent this injury. Each time you share your feeling you help others to understand that they are not alone and this is the way to help us all both parents and bpi injured...

If you cannot gain any closure now, know this… You will prevent it--- your children will not have to face what you have had to.

After finding these boards I understood why my Mother was so upset when I was pregnant and when my first baby was delivered… I realize now 36 years later she was scared to death that I would have to face what she did…

Thanks
Kath

[christy]

My answer on this one is a "work in progress". This one is a tuffy. But, I am working on it, trying to decide what our goals, wishes, wants and expectations truly are vs reality. One reality that I have come to acknowledge is that I don't want to teach Katie the anger, not ever, not even inadvertently so I have to be very careful with such a powerful emotion. Not that I am saying anyone else is teaching the anger to their kids. I just know that is a priority here that this not be shared with her. Gosh, this is hard. Just exactly what does one mean when one asks for closure? Complete forgiveness, acceptance, what? The answer to that one will help me with the answer to the original guest question. But I can tell you that for every minute that I can think of Katie and her situation and not WHO did it makes me a winner--less tummy pain and less time spent on a "nobody important to our family"