Personal Question

[admin]

My husband was less than understanding and supportive. It was a different situation because he was military and had to keep his mouth shut, we had a lawsuit and he wasn't allowed to say boo. I had everything to do, fight the military insurance who didn't want us to find out they hurt my son and force them to pay, besides fight the military hospital in giving my son the referrals we needed to get my son seen in the civilian sector . It was awful. I did all the ROM went to therapy three times a week and had three older children to boot. He was always gone and thought I was over reacting. The military almost didn't let him take leave to be at my son's surgery.....then the doctors said it was necessary they still played around till I threatened to call the newspaper....then they changed their minds. It is not easier, but since my husband got out of the military he is more supportive and actually will so some therapy type play with my son now 6 1/2. I felt the same way and am glad that even though we had some "SLIM" financial times after he got out of the military that he is out and we our making my son a better person TOGETHER

[dmom]

You are not alone! My husband has always backed me up 100% when it comes to Danny's care, but like you, I have been the one doing virtually everything for him.

It's not that my husband doesn't want to help Danny or help with the workload. But I am the one who is home during the day. I have the time to do the research and the reading and take Danny to all the appointments. He doesn't. And that comment about men always wanting to "fix" things is absolutely true! My husband later revealed he felt really depressed because he couldn't fix Danny. Maybe that is also why he left everything to me.

I don't mind doing it, but I did feel more burdened about carrying all the load when Danny was a baby - probably because I felt so lost and confused about what was best for him. At times, I felt the weight of every decision because I didn't want to be the one blamed if the treatment path I chose was wrong. I felt like I already made the biggest mistake of all with Danny because I took him to the person who injured him - and I didn't want to screw anything else up.

But we've always discussed everything regarding Danny's treatment and never had a disagreement. I made sure my husband was in on EVERYTHING, even if he didn't feel the need to be.

The upside to all this is that whenever I raise this issue with him, and say, "Hey, how come you weren't the one reading up on BPI and choosing all these places and doctors? Why did you leave it all to me? He's your son, too, bla, bla?", his answer has been sweet: "Because I trust you."

Maybe the issue with men - besides possible denial - is that because we moms are so proactive and intense about studying/treating BPI, they figure they can trust Mama Bear to handle things! I know many of you are probably like me when it comes to your children ... get out of the way when Mom's on the BPI bandwagon!

I think frank talks help. Every marriage is different. But it could well be that your husband thinks you've got everything under control - when maybe YOU don't feel that way -? He might be surprised to hear how overwhelmed you feel. I hope you can talk to him and feel less burdened in carrying the load!

Take care,
Janet

[admin]

I also do 98% of the work directly involved in Richard's issues and treatments and recovery. But only one of seems to have time to become the expert and I think he believes me to be the best one to do that as I have been the most involved in medical biological sort of things - he feels I would make a better informed decision and he feels I will do the therapy better and am more able to help him through school issues- and it is true - but he frees me to do that by meeting the needs of the other kids while I take care of all things bpi and by aloowing me to be stay at home as much as he can by concentrating on keeping the money flowing so I have time and resources to help Richard- if I need to discuss things he listens and tries to give imput but he just doesn't know all the details like do because it take so muchtime to learn all about this. I find talking to other moms who are usually the primary front liners has been very helpful as they know exactly what I am talking about ans where I am coming from.

[claudia]

I agree with Peggy. I really think that men are wired differently in dealing with things in general.

That being said, you don't say how old your child is. When my daughter was younger, especially when she was an infant, all of the work fell to me. I, in my depression, thought he was punishing me--I thought it was my fault and I figured he did too. One day, in anger and frustration, I had it out with him. I yelled at him, told him he didn't realize how hard it was for me... well, to my surprize he said he didn't do rom or anything because he was afraid of hurting her.

Ultimately, we came to a division of labor. I handled the medical and legal aspects of her care and he handled the insurance aspects. It has worked for five years and continues to.

I will also add, since I am rambling so, that he had this blind belief that it would "all be okay". No matter how bad the word from the surgeons was (and some of it was very bad), he would hold me and tell me that it was going to be fine.

As my daughter grew, his "blindness" was a welcome relief for her from the picky-ness of me and my "use your left hand" "use two hands" "watch your thumb" refrain.

You have to talk it out. Sometimes, we women tend to just take over. And the men feel sort of left out. Give him a job to do and he might get more involved. That being said, my husband has NEVER done rom with her (except for the one time when I showed him) nor has he done any other exercises with her. But he plays baseball with her, and taught her to ride a bike, and never ever mentions her arm.

good luck,
claudia

[david'smom]

NULL , YOUR NOT ALONE I THINK FOR THE MOST PART WE AS MOMS FEEL THAT WAY WITH OR WITHOUT BIRTH INJURYS.
I TAKE MY SON TO ALL HIS APPTS.. HE IS THERE FOR SURGERYS AND THINGS LIKE THAT BUT FOR THE MOST PART I CARRY THE LOAD OF WORRY ..I THINK MEN DEAL WITH THEIR EMOTIONS DIFFERENT THEN WOMAN WHEN IT COMES TO OUR KIDS WE WEAR OUR HEARTS ON OUR SLEEVES

[admin]

Thanks everyone for being so open and honest about this issue! It helps a lot to know I am not alone and that it is pretty common for the men to take a back seat. Our baby is just over 1yr, so even though we haven't been doing this for all that long, some days it seems like a life time worth! I have spoken with my husband regarding my feelings before and everytime he says he'll try harder to take an active part, it's mere words and no action, leading to my frustrations!

I have cried reading all of the responses, some of that may be contributed to my "aunt flo" who is visiting this week, and some of it is just my BPI emotions getting the best of me!

Thanks again for supporting me in my struggles, means the world to me!

[Kath]

I am OBPI and I my injury and the way my parents delt with it in a different light.
My Mother was the prime caretaker and made all medical decisions just as I did with my children.
My father on the other hand told me I was perfect, taught me to skate, ride a two wheeler and in general built up my self esteem.
I don't ever remember him mentioning my arm, he always told me how smart and pretty I was.
My Dad died when I was ten but I have almost 40 of the letters he wrote to my Mom while in the Merchant Marines.
Not one single letter mentions my arm he asks all sort of things about what I am doing but not one word about my injury.
When I questioned my older brother he said that my father did not handle it well and did not do any of the medical care.
He felt he did not cope well with it at all. My mother told me it was her job to stay home and my father had to work.
I think the unintended BALANCE between my parents really was helpful.
I use to see my poor mother as the worlds biggest nag and my Dad and the one who played with me for the short time I had him...
Now I realize that it was the best thing for me. Had both of them been so intense when would I have been able to function at a normal level?
He forced the issue of not over protecting me and after he died my mother continued to treat me as a normal child… all therapy was in the form of games.
My mother was not daring and my Dad just treated me as if I could do anything that helped me to develop confidence in myself.
.
You all do such a great job...

Men do like to fix things... how many times have we all told our husbands a problem (wanting him to just listen) and they always try to fix it for us...
Dad's give a very special love and even play with us in a different way...

I hope you don't mind my adding my 2 cents.
After almost 40 years of marriage I realize that men and woman handle thing differently especially parenting.
I think the difference between our approach to parenting and problem solving makes for a good balance in family life most of the time.
Of course, I must admit, I would not let anyone take charge of my children when they were sick.
My kids have had some serious health issues over the years and being a stubborn person I felt I need to be in control to keep them safe.
I could say its and OBPI thing but I think it is just a MOTHER TIGER thing.

Kath

[Kath]

OPS!
my first sentence should read

I am OBPI and I (VIEW) my injury and the way my parents delt with it in a different light.

Kath

[Kath]

Ops

My first sentence I left out a word


I am OBPI and I (view) my injury and the way my parents dealt with it in a different light.


Kath

[BIGJAVSMOM]

To Angela Butterfly:

WOW!!!