need some advice-work or stay home

[Lauren (mom to Brooke)]

Hi all. Sorry if this message is all over the place, but I have so much on my mind it's hard to keep it all straight. My daughter is almost 7 months old, and I had to go back to work when she was 3 1/2 months. It killed me, but I did it. I commute an hour to and from work (around 2 1/2 hours total a day) and really don't like my job. However, it pays really well and offers full benefits, 401K, paid time off, etc. Anyway, I am just having a horrible time juggling a full time job, going to therapy appointments at lunch time, taking "extra" time off for downtown therapy appointments, etc. Worst part of it is, I don't feel like three hours a day is enough to spend with my child. I miss her and I feel like I'm missing watching her grow up. Before I had her I was VERY career oriented, and I think staying at home would drive me nuts. I don't know what to do. Another factor is that my husband would barely cover our bills, and I want Brooke to have a college fund, vacations, etc. It's like I'm doing everything, but I'm not doing anything right. When I'm at work I'm scheduling appointments and trying to get out of the office early to be at home, but when I'm at home I'm exhausted and not really enthusiastic about being with my child.

I think I might be okay if I just found another job BUT I need time for therapy and surgeries. I also need a surgery myself because of my lovely OB that I have been putting off because I can't take another few months off to heal. I don't think a new employer would be nearly as nice to me about all of this.

Sorry, I just really needed to vent. I don't know what to do or who else to ask for advice other than all of you. Honestly, I just feel like crying, all of the time.

Anyone have any advice words of wisdom?

Thanks for listening,
Lauren
(oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be totally mortified in a few hours that I sent this out!)

[admin]

Lauren,

I don't have time right now to write all that I want to (I know I always say that!), but just wanted to say, do not be mortified that you wrote this. I'm sort of on the other side, staying at home, loving being with my son, but I used to work and loved my job, and I now hate spending my day doing laundry, etc. We need to find a happy medium!!!

Anyway, I'll write more later, but again,just wanted to tell you not to be mortified.

Lex (mom to Jason, lobpi, 1 year old this weekend!)

[BIGJAVSMOM]

Hi Lauren- I know the feelings. I am an unplanned stay at home mom. I was in Medical Assisting school when I got pregnant with Javier. I planned on getting to work when he made about 3 months, that was before the injury. So, I have been homw with my 2 boys for a little over a year. I stayed home with Manny for a year, he is now 5. I worked as an insurance claimant for 3 years. I do feel crazy being at home. I teach my kids alot, I buy age appropriate materials at teachers' stores. I really can't wait to go back to work. Fortunately, I was able to stay home and we live on 1 salary becaus ewe rent,drive a used car with no payments and only use credit cards for emergancies. I did so well in school and feel like being at home is a waste of tuition, but at the same time I am lucky to be able to spend this time with my kids. I often joke with my husband that we can change jobs. Anyway, the solution we figured out is for me to work 3rd shift(overnight) and put Javier in daycare half-day. Manny's kindergarten will be half-day too Not too happy about that, I am trying to get him tested for 1st grade. I am just telling you my story, I try not to give advice as everyone's situations are different. Oh- my husband works 11-7, so he can handle the kids in the mornings and put them to bed.

Marlyn

[admin]

I took a job working part time third shift like 2am to 8am then i would go to bed at like 7pm every night and i got to spend time with my kids. Or overnight like 10pm til 2am at like a walmart or target stocking shelves.

[kamren]

I have been a stay at home Mom since our first was born almost 14 years ago. Our youngest is 2 1/2 now, so in a couple more years he will head off to school. That is when I will be going back into the "working" world.

My husband and I decided way back with our first that the best thing we could offer was me at home with the kids til they started school. And thier teachers can tell. The hardest part of staying home is teaching the social skills that are much easier to learn in a daycare type enviornment. We did it well and have been told by each of our kids teachers that they can tell by thier behavior they had me at home, but how great thier skills are.

Be aware. We gave up alot $$$ wise for this. We have only 1 car, and it is old...no new cars here. Dining out rarely happens. My biggest job after the kids is squeezing every ounce out of every penny to make ends meet. We don't get vacations, and my husband and I get one "date" a year, and then the sitter is my Mom, so she is free:) We don't get to wear name brand clothes, the furiture was either given, or bought at Goodwill or the Salvation Army store.

It is hard. You are lonely and isolated often. I sometimes go weeks without talking to another adult besides my husband. And you get little appreciation for the work.

But the rewards are tremendous. I have been there with all 5 kids for each and every first. They know I am always there. No matter how crazy thing get, my kids have a constant in me. If they are hurt or when they triumph, Mom is there to hold them and love them. They are happy, well adjusted and wonderful kids. And I know that the payoff will be better than any other job could ever pay me.

It won't be easy, no matter what decision you make. Both working Moms, and stay at home Moms have to give up some things for other things. You have to decide what is at the top of your list.

I do know that My lifes greatest blessings, outside of my children, is that we have the ability to have me work at home. Not everyone can choose that, as it just isn't an option. And if you are one of the lucky ones who can choose it...then make sure it is a choice you can deal with.

[TNT1999]

Hi, Lauren. I can relate to your feelings. Before I had Nicole, I was very career-oriented (some would've called me a "workaholic"). I really enjoyed my job and there didn't seem to be enough hours to get everything done so I usually worked late and / or took work home with me. I wasn't sure how everything would shift when I had my first baby. I didn't know if I'd go back to work. Then, when I had Nicole, I was home for 4 months with paid and unpaid leave. Shortly before I returned to work, I tried to workout something with my boss to work from home at least most of the time. I was even willing to take a demotion and pay cut for it b/c I knew it'd be difficult to manage people from home. It didn't workout. I was hesitant to leave the company completely though with the benefits I'd accrued. I went back into the office for about one week (I hated that week and even visited Nicole during lunch to nurse her), basically to submit my resignation and clean out my office, train on year end jobs that no one had learned yet, etc. I had worked out a way to still work for the company, at least temporarily (hoping still to get a stay at home job w/them). I worked P/T 3rd shift helping set up a new store that they were opening. Then, I felt like my prayers were answered -- a friend in my congregation asked me if I would babysit F/T for her daughter in my home. So, I quit my 3rd shift job, stayed home w/Nicole and babysat for my friend's baby for the next 4 years until she went to kindergarten. She is now Nicole's best friend. It worked out great! When I started babysitting, I watched her everyday and that was okay b/c all of Nicole's therapy was at home w/EI or me. Whenever we needed surgery breaks, etc., my friend's mom was available to babysit. Eventually, I had to reduce the number of days I worked b/c we added therapy o/s of the home.

BTW, I couldn't believe how "easy" it ended up being for me to leave this job. I would've thought it would be much harder not only b/c I enjoyed my career, but b/c I started at the company P/T in high school to get credits for a class and some $ of course, worked their off and on whenever I was home on college break, and after finishing school started my f/t career there, so it was very close to my heart and I'd developed some real friendships there.

I don't know how you feel about babysitting though. Personally, I really enjoyed it, but also didn't want it to turn into more, like a formal home daycare. It was just my friend and I helping each other out. There are other jobs you could do from home though I'm sure. Will that mean giving up a career? Possibly, at least for now. Eventually, I got a P/T weekend job, but then quit before I had my 2nd baby.

It's funny b/c one day when I was changing Nicole's diaper, I remember briefly thinking, I went to college four years for this? I laughed about it though. I really didn't mind being home with her and loved it from the start. I'm a very closely-bonded mom and haven't left Joshua much either (he's 15 mos. now). Plus, I really enjoyed nursing them both and never pumped too successfully.

BTW, I had a great salary and knew that I couldn't justify staying at home simply by what we'd save in daycare or formula, so I had to become creative at cutting expenses. I was surprised how much I was able to cut. God has blessed us with all of our provisions being met and I don't have any regrets. Sure, we've sacrificed some extras and big vacations, but that's okay. Oh and I don't have a college fund for the kids yet either, not sure how we'll figure that out yet. We did buy a used popup camper from a friend and mostly enjoy lower cost vacations and fun day trips.

If you look for another job, closer to home, maybe P/T, etc., I would just be upfront with your boss. When I decided to look for a P/T weekend job, I decided to be honest with my prospective boss about my priorities. Well, the interview ended up getting very personal as I learned that she had a teenage daughter who was severely injured during birth, much more than a BPI, functions as a 2 y.o., wears diapers, has lots of special needs in school, etc. Sooo, she was very understanding. You never know.

I don't think you were venting. I think you have realistic concerns. I don't know how both parents work (esp. f/t o/s of the home) and accomplish all that's related to BPIs. Well you asked for advice or words of wisdom, I'm not sure what to call this, but our experience and what works for us. If you pray, then give it lots of prayer. I hope you don't regret posting this. It's certainly not the first time concerns like this were posted on the board.

~Tina, bpmom@comcast.net, SAHM to Nicole (6 y.o. w/LBPI) & Joshua (1 y.o. w/NOBPI)

[TNT1999]

Very well said, Kimberly! ~Tina

[admin]

Hi I am so sorry you are going through a hard time right now and I sympathize with you. I am a STAHM but work 10 hours a week and we buy our groceries with that. We too have given up $$$$ over the years so that I could be with the kids...........the teachers at their school can tell also.....my kids are truly blessed and I am also. It is hard at times like someone else mentioned....pinching pennies, loneliness , no adult time.......no dates no babysitter . My hubby and I went on our first weekend trip alone without the kids just last summer..it had been 9 years of no dates and no trips. It is hard to do there is no doubt......... I don't recommend it for everyone either......I struggled and now that the girls are getting more independent I am reeping the benefits. They are lovely , caring, adjusted, healthy and happy.


How about the possibility of downsizing your debt load as much as you are willing to and taking a few months off to take care of your surgery .........then finding another job closer to your home ? Maybe even something part time?

It's alot to think about......but ultimetley only you can decide....what ever you choose to do.........I wish you luck and I know you will do what is best for you and yours.


What ever you do don't forget that an end to a career opens a beginning to a new career......and while you may decide to take a few years off and do something different you can always go back to something similar one day!


Lenni

[katep]

I had been working 20 hours a week until the beginning of June, when we realized that we just weren't benefitting from me leaving Joshua with a nanny and working. I now work about 5-8 hours a week, only after my husband comes home to take over childcare.

We made this decision because it was best for Joshua AND because it made financial sense!

You would be surprised how much little a second income brings in. I make extremely good money (consulting). BUT... we ran the numbers, and it still isn't worth it!

We looked at our tax burden with and without me working. Without me working, all the deductions go against my husband's income, and we pay a pretty small percentage in taxes (we itemize: house interest, real estate taxes, exemptions, 1 dependent, etc.) That's our "base" income. When I bring in extra money, I also have to pay all the additional taxes that come with my checks. These include self-employment taxes (for me) and the full brunt of our tax bracket (remember all the deductions have already gone against my husband's earnings). My "effective" tax bracket for my income is OVER 50%! When I was working 20 hours a week, I had a nanny for Joshua. That ate up another 1/3 of what was left after taxes -- I barely made twice what she got paid to take care of Joshua, and I was jealous all the time that I didn't get enough time with him!!! And add to that other expenses of working: clothes, added gas, eating out because I didn't have time/energy to prepare meals, more prepared and expensive foods from the grocery store. And the cost of not being there with my son, worrying about how she was raising him, and what I was missing all the time.

I'm doing THE most important job, now. Sure sometimes it is boring, and my other job was pretty exciting and fulfilling. But my job was also filled with loads of boring, petty stuff, and a lot of the time being with Joshua is pretty darned exciting and always fulfilling

My only regret is it took me a year to make up my mind, and those precious early days are forever lost.

Kate

[admin]

hi lauren,

sorry to hear about your dilemma. i am an at home mom of 2. it can be one of the hardest jobs one can have. we never thought about me going back to work after our first was born because we had strong feelings about daycare. there are so many pros and cons though. the reason for me signing in as a guest is because maybe we did mess up with our decision, but it's hard to go back now. we are in the process of declaring bankruptcy. once the kids are in school, i will be going back to work part-time. but until then, i feel that what we are doing is best for our children.

pros - you're with them all day every day, your bringing up is all they have. you decide how you want your child to be brought up. you spend each day as you want.

cons - lol...you're with them 24/7 and that can get rough. also, you're house gets trashed during the day every day. if you have a child in daycare, by time you get home and get dinner done with, it's just about time to put the kids to bed, so they don't have time to trash the house.

it took my sister 10 years to have a baby and she went right back to work. she does make pretty good money, but i feel if it took you that long to have a baby, i would want to enjoy every minute i could with him. but that is my opinion.

did you ever think of working at night, maybe posting auctions on e-bay or something like that? or when the weather is nice, have a garage sale every so often. it brings in extra cash and cleans your house while you're at it.

another thing, you mentioned vacations. are these vacas really going to have an impact on her life, being so young? we decided that our first big vaca would be to disney when my son turns 5. other than that, we do weekend trips to different places geared for youngens.