how do you deal?

[alaskanmom]

Last night was a rough night for me. My 14 yr old daughter with rtbpi has been having alot of ups and downs, and last night all I could think of was "how can I help her be happy again?" Nothing is really stopping her except she is still pretty weak.
She tries to do everything and has figured out alot of stuff that I would never have thought of. But what I worry the most about is, she is starting high school this fall, (her best friend is attending a different high school, her other best friend is moving out of state at the end of the summer) I worry about how she is going to deal with this huge new school and make new friends, she is so self conscious about her scars and her injury. What do I say to make her feel better about this transition? What do I tell myself? Should I consider a private shcool? (there really are not alot of options where I live) And it isn't just school, its everything, its finding something that she enjoys doing again, without all the frustration of teaching her left hand how to do it. (she used to really enjoy doing origami, playing the piano, arts and crafts, reading,) Any advice would be extremely appreciated.

[jennyb]

Hi there
I am so sorry you feel like this, I truly feel for you. I have a teenage girl and I know that it's heartwrenching enough when they go through times like this without the added issues raised by the bpi, scars, etc.
I am sorry I don't have any real advice to give you. I can say that no matter how self conscious we are when we are younger, it does eventually become much less. When I was young I worried a lot more about how I looked than I do now. I thought everone was looking at the arm. But real life showed me that actually they don't look, most people don't notice, and don't care when they do. I also had periods of intense self doubt and depression, where nothing seemed worthwhile etc etc.
You seem to be a loving and supportive parent, the fact that you care so much is the thing that will really help your girl find her own feet in her new world. High school is hard for everyone, being different makes it harder but she'll get through with your help. She will eventually be able to do the things she used to, but needs to work that out in her own time. I pushed people's attempts to help me away and I think it's pretty common, but I did start to see a light at the end of the tunnel in time.

I hope things start to improve over the summer, please let us know how things go for your daughter.
Jen NZ

[PeggyUBPN]

I'm certainly no expert in this area; my daughter is 9 years old and ROBPI, but I'm a firm believer in laughter being one of the best forms of medicine!
Are there movies, actors, comedians thar she thinks is funny? Rent some funny flicks and watch them with her.
I wish you and your daughter all the best!
Do keep us updated on how she's doing.

Peggy

[njbirk]

I hope you don't mind my posting here as an obpi, but I just wanted to echo Jenny's post. My teenage years were the toughest to deal with and none of it had to do with the physical difficulties of the injury but rather with just accepting myself.

What helped the most were my friends. My family had always loved me, but what I wanted and craved was the acceptance of my peers. Is there any way that she can go to the same school as her best friend? Or make some new friends in the school she will attend before school starts?

One of my best friends in high school, and this is real irony, was Kim West's mother (Kim is our Outreach editor and the mother of Cameron, who has an obpi). None of us knew that in the future Carol would have a granddaughter with the same injury as her best friend.

Anyway, I'll get off the nostalgia kick and just reiterate that friends are so important in high school, and as much as she loves her family, she will need them to help her get through.

I look forward to meeting you both at camp. I'm glad you can come.

Nancy Birk
LOBPI, 51 years
UBPN President

[alaskanmom]

Thank you so much for replying. I agree that being a teenager by itself is very difficult then add on everything else and it is especially hard for her. I try to have her best friend over as often as possible. I guess I just needed somebody to remind me that it does get better. I just had one of those nights that I was up half the night crying and feeling sorry for her because she had just had a hard time. More than anything, I worry so much about her self esteem and her independance. Those had never been issues with her before. I try so hard to help her be self reliant and I think she is doing a great job. So much so that when I see her struggling she won't let me help her unless she has tried it for a while. I would love to have her go to her best friends school, but I'm not sure that is even going to be a possibility. We are really looking forward to camp this fall and we hope to meet everyone.

[Angela Butterfly]

Rene, I read this earlier...and just didn't know what to say. I am the mother of 3 daughters. I had them close together, so had 3 teenage girls, all at the same time. My 3rd was born with a severe Left Obstetrical Brachial Plexus Injury. They are now ages 24, 22 & 21.

It does seem like when it rains it pours. You and your daughter, are dealing with so many issues, all at once.
The above posters gave you some good sound advice. As a mom it is so hard to stand by, and not be able to make it better.
Sometimes I would find myself saying "I wish I had a MAGIC WAND, and could make it all better?" also "I sure wish my MAGIC BALL wasn't broken (or lost)".

I also found comfort in "FOOTPRINTS" I have that framed on every floor of my house (counting the basement I have 3). I even carry a small card with "Footprints", in my purse. I have found some very insightful readings at http://www.appleseeds.org

[Karen McClune]

Hi Rene,

As the other posters have said teenage years can be the worst. I am hoping with her meeting peers and others at camp that it will help her when she gets back to school.

Wish there was more I could do. If you want to just talk email me and I will call you.

Hugs, Karen

[babyryd]

Hi Rene,
I'm so sad to read about your worries, sadness and concerns. My oldest is 7 and a boy (LTBPI - Chase), I have so many concerns and worries with him starting school in the fall because he missed so much of last year with his injury. I worry about other kids teasing him and whether or not he'll be able to adjust to not having the use of his left arm, if he'll be able to open his lunch foods and even how he'll hold his paper in place to write...the list goes on and on. I'm also considering moving him to a private Christian school, but am happy with his school. I want what's best for him and just wish someone could tell me what to do. I can remember my teenage years being so tough with so many questions just about how life works but you are such a loving and caring mother and while she'll have difficulties (with or without her injury - adolescence is hard!), you'll be right there with her and just knowing that will help her. Sometimes I worry so much about Chase, that I really don't want to make any more decisions for him and I want to pick our family up and run - I just don't want to deal anymore, but then I see how blessed we are to have him home with us and how much joy my 3 children bring me, and how far worst things could have turned out with his accident and I'm so thankful and grateful, that the worries (temporarily)subside. We're doing the best we can for our children, and honestly, I think our children are so much more resiliant, capable and stronger than we know. I often reflect on my childhood, where there wasn't much support, affection, encouragement and I think I turned out ok. As parents, we can only do what we know to be the best; love them, esteem them, encourage them, teach them and pray for them and then we have to stand back and let them go. I'm sorry I couldn't offer solid advice (primarily due to lack of experience), but it sounds like she's come a long way since her accident (Jan?) and she's obviously a strong girl - try to get excited with her about starting high school and don't let her see you worry about her.
Take care, Lourdes

[BIGJAVSMOM]

I have to agree with Nancy. I do not have a BPI, my one year old son does. ROBPI However, I do remember highschool being one of the hardest times for me. Well, I though it was at the time. Kids are cruel, talking about eachother, spreading rumors and being mean. My highschool was really small, 400 students. My graduating class of '97 only had 68 people. Everyone knew eachother and I think that can be both a good and bad thing. I never fell into a "crowd". I cheered and played soccer, class rep, and co-op. I only wish now that I had "high school" problems. For me comedy was what got me through. I was friends with lots of different people, I made them laugh. Most importantly, I made myself laugh. During my junior and senior year, I actually sold material to a local comedian. I made $10 a joke. We can all tell of what a terrrible time we had in highschool, but honestly, hindsight is 20/20. It truly was a fun time. Tell your daughter to join clubs, language classes and play sports and drama. Staring a new school and not having her 2 best friends will be tough at first, but soon enough she will realize that everyone around her is dealing with something new. I wish her the best of luck and do hope you keep us updated.

Sincerely, Marlyn mom to Javier 1 ROBPI.

[admin]

I have to ditto everyone elses post. My son James is 12 - RTBPI from an atv accident. I know its not the same as having a daughter but they do have very similar issues. Ive had and still have alot of the concerns you and others have posted here. If you would like to e mail me, my address is softballmom09@hotmail.com