disclosing settlement to child

[salcav]

I know it is a personal choice, but I am curious about opinions/experiences regarding the optimal time to disclose settlement information to children. Has anyone found articles or books related to this subject?

My daughter is thirteen and going through a hard period. My husband and I are tempted to tell her now, but have no idea of how she will react. We have never indicated to her that her injury may have been avoidable. Our fear is that diclosing to her will make her feel worse. The flip side is that as she tosses and turns at night, trying to adjust to a very uncomfortable brace, she will know that she will be compenstated for her physical and emotional discomfort.

[CW1992]

I also have a 13 year old child. We gradually told her about how her injury happened when we thought she could understand. The settlement part has always been hard. I personally did not want her to know the amount because I wanted her to get out there and earn her own way and not rely on settlement money. Her Dad ended up one day telling her because she kept asking - and I do believe that her knowing was a good thing. She still does great in school, tries hard at everything, and on those days when things get tough for her to do she knows that when she is 18 she will have decisions to make. I hope we teach her to save that money and to continue on the road she is on but I think to her and us it is a relief to know and helps make things easier in HER mind as well as ours.

I do think that you need to talk to her. Tell her the truth on EVERYTHING! Tell her that you chose a doctor that you thought was the right choice, but he/she had a hard time bringing her into the world and 'accidentally' pulled too hard on her to deliver her. Then tell her that her injury was avoidable and share YOUR feelings - that you did not want that to happen to her and you did the best you knew how at the time and that you are very sorry for what she has to go through. Tell her all of your feelings - how much you love her, how you had no clue that this could have happened to her, and that if you could you'd do things differently. Then tell her about her settlement because this injury was avoidable. She is old enough to know by now - in my opinion. I know that on hard days, when Britt can't quite do certain things - it is a relief to her to know that in the end she will get some compensation for her hard times.
Christy

[dmom]

Christy,

Just had to weigh in. I think your advice is great. But when you said to tell your daughter the doctor "accidentally" pulled too hard - that's something I could never tell my son. I understand you're trying to phrase things gently, so I see the spirit of what you're saying and your consideration for your child.

But, very gently and lovingly, I don't think I'm going to couch it that nicely when it comes time to tell Danny how the doctor injured him! Nothing wrong with your approach, though. Diff'rent strokes, y'know?

Janet

[CW1992]

I know what you're saying - but I felt it would be easier on her to know that he did not mean to hurt her - which I feel is true. As a child, would you rather hear that the doctor did not mean to hurt you but accidentally did, or would you rather hear that the doctor was too rough and didn't think or know what he was doing.... She was pretty young when she started asking questions and I answered them as best I could without trying to upset her. Once she asked me, "Mommy, why did you let this happen to me and not to my sister?" Another time she asked me - "Do you think that doctor meant to hurt me Mom?" Another time she asked, "Do you think he is sorry that he hurt my arm Mommy?" So many questions she'd ask me. I just answered the best I could because I do feel that these doctors do not mean to hurt our kids and why make our own kids angry at someone who most likely did not mean to harm them but just did not know what the heck they were doing.... so I use the word "accidently" because I thought that was something that she could relate to and she could accept without holding anger in her - she could forgive if I used the right wording. Sometimes the truth is not the best to tell kids - but I know that as they grow they will learn on their own - as they mature and can understand better.
I do understand your point - I just didn't feel the need to hurt my child more by telling her so much of the truth - but now that she is 13 she does know and she accepts that he did not mean to hurt her but that it happened - she holds NO anger.
Christy

[admin]

I agree with you totally, Christy

[admin]

did not mean to hurt them? What? They didnt do their homework or keep up to date or in our case have any staff to do an emergency c section. They are a doctor in a piece of paper only. DO NOT AGREE WITH YOU AT ALL

[Kath]

Christy
I agree with you. My mother told me when I was delivered a lot was going on and the doctor pressed to hard and the nerves were torn in my shoulder...
No blame just facts. It seems to me I have always know what happened and never really gave much thought to the fact that it could have been prevented. I guess I thought it was an accident... I don't believe that anyone would do this on purpose. I believe now it was poor medical care because my Mom was warned that she or I might die if she continued with her pregnancy. She lost two children before me to "birth trauma" ( whatever that is).
I am happy I did not feel angry at the doctor as an obpi I had enough frustration to deal with and did not need to carry the burden of hating the doctor...
I don't even know how angry my mother was -- she never once mentioned his Name--- I guess that was her way of dismissing him! She always spoke about the doctor who did the work on my brace and therapy...

I think it is better to work on allowing the kids to be positive about them selves it would hurt too much to think someone did this on purpose.

Kath

[admin]

doctors need to stay up to date on procedures and have enough staff in the room to do emergency c sections if neccessary. I still blame our doctor.

[admin]

Well, nobody would be stating a lie by saying that the doctor who delivered the child did not do this on purpose. No doctor will injure a child on purpose, but that doesn't mean that they are not at fault. When it comes time, I will tell Ella that my doctor at the time made a big mistake and did not do the proper things to deliver her safely or correctly and this caused her arm injury. It's a simple answer to me, but maybe harder to explain when the time comes!
~Krista~

[CW1992]

Krista, just some thoughts here and you can take them or leave them.... To me, telling a child that their doctor made a big mistake might make her feel like she is the mistake. Your daughter is no mistake! She is beautiful I'm sure! I believe that things happen for a reason. I remember little Britt's face, looking up at me with little freckles, green eyes, and her blonde hair, asking me questions - SHE was NO mistake - she is special - and God has a purpose. Sorry if I'm getting too deep here - I'm sleep deprived (school picnic coming up - too many paint fumes!)
Christy