Over the 10 months I've been coming to this site, I've seen a lot of talk about sadness around the first birthday. Well... I am surprised at how lousy I've been feeling the last couple of weeks. I thought I was going to be OK with Joshua's first birthday. I've even been able to tell him the story of his birth day without crying or feeling grief (for about the last 4 months or so). But now that it's nearly here, I've been having nightmares and generally feeling depressed. I thought it was PMS, but that's over and it still hasn't improved.
Does anybody have any words of advice about feeling this way? I couldn't imagine life without Joshua and I love him with all my heart... but when I think about his birthday I can't stop thinking about all the pain and heartache that followed and it is overwhelming me I feel like a terrible mother for feeling sad about my beautiful baby's birthday.
Although we haven't reached the one year mark yet, I am sure that will be a rough day as well as a very happy day for me. We are only human and what happened to our children is devastating. We all love our children completely and how can we not look back thinking if in just one instance something had been different then our children would be fine and these injuries would have remained unknown to most of us.
I pray every day that I could go back in time and change what happened to Ashley. I often think how our life would be so carefree and easy going not having to worry about therapy and specialist appts. and the potential need for surgery in the future. It's enough to drive you insane (or me at least).
For me I am trying to focus on the positives and remember that I was blessed with a beautiful baby daughter (and son) who have made my life and family complete. I hope someday to make some kind of peace with this for my family's sake as well as for myself and I wish the same for you. Joshua is a beautiful baby boy and I wish him the best 1st birthday celebration ever.
Not sure if I have helped or made you feel worse (not my intentions) but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do!
First off - you are not a terrible Mom! You have feelings! I hope this helps - feelings can be 'shifted' and there are so many great things about that day. His birthday was the day he came into your lives and you become a MOM! It was a day that you saw him for the first time. It was a day that the world got better because he was born and became part of your family. It is celebration time! Celebrate HIM! You have a life full of kisses and hugs and fun and watching him grow in to a man. You have so many great years to look forward to and so much happiness coming your way because of him. I feel that you have a choice on your feelings though - and it is always best to look for the GOOD.
Personally, I didn't tell my daughter about her birth until she started asking direct questions - around 6 - and until then she knew that "God made her special" and I gradually told her more as she asked but that was just the way I handled it.
Celebrate Joshua and how much you love him. It will be his big day. Britt had so much chocolate cake on her face her first b-day - even in her ears - she loved squishing it, throwing it on the floor - she made a huge mess and that was great because it was HER day. Ice cream all over her came next.... and cheese puffs - her favorite at the time. The kids from her playgroup that were her age all sat in high chairs and had a food fight!:) Rowdy bunch of one year olds! It was a happy day, and I wanted it happy for HER.
Happy b-day to Joshua and I hope that I helped somehow.
Christy
Kate:
This is normal as you know. For Mariella's first birthday I knew I was going to feel those "old feelings" again about the birth and the days and weeks right after her birth. It was upsetting to me. It was a sad time. Instead of remembering the unhappy things that happened I turned things around for myself. I prepared a party bag for all of the adults who were coming to Ellas party. I wrote a story about her birth and what she has been going through for the past year of her life. Therapy, future surgery, splints, and some general info on the injury itself. Although family members and close friends try to understand the injury, most likely they dont really know the full impact that it creates on your life. So It was a couple of pages long. I ended it with the poem that I wrote for Ella when she was a few weeks old. I put the silver ribbon pins in the baggie since Awareness week was the following week. And I put a tea light candle in the bag also and asked them to light the candle for Ella and all other children with this injury each night of awareness week. It took up a lot of my "bad" thinking. I put awareness into it. Awareness of the injury, and also awareness of Mariellas individual injury and what she has been going through that year. Everyone loved it. I had a lot of tears being wiped. And the best part of it was when I was told by so many people that they had no idea what this injury was like. They had no idea that Ella was in so much treatment, etc. They had no idea that it was so hard on her and us as a family. I am glad that they learned. It is needed to family and friends to understand what you are going through. Even though they will never fully understand until they are in your shoes, it helped me feel relief I guess you could say. Maybe you can try to take your mind off of certain things and direct your energy into somthing different, but something that is for Joshua and his injury? Hope you feel better soon. You will get through it!
~Krista~
Ashley is 9 now and I can tell you that guilt comes and it goes.....sigh One of the things that I remind myself of at these times is that even though my child has this sad life long injury is that she is wonderful and thoughtful and kind . I try never to think in hindsight.....whats done is done and I cannot change that. I lift my head high, take some deep breaths and think of all the wonder she brings those around her from her beautiful smile and attitude. Ashley is injured and differently abled but she is amazing in every other way and I will never want anything more than that.
Good luck and I truly hope you're feeling better soon Kate.
I believe some parents experience a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after a traumatic birth. One of the UK moms said her husband lost his job as a Firefighter because of it. It is very common and because we focus on our baby, we sometimes forget we too have been affected.
Take care of you Kate, you are not a bad mom, what you are feeling is natural. We will support you here if you need it, until you feel ok again. I promise you will!
Injury Description, Date, extent, surgical intervention etc: I am Mom to Amber, injured at birth. I serve on the Board of Directors for UBPN, and am a labor/delivery nurse, too.
I think what you are feeling is truly a "normal process" for anyone in you situation to go through. I have heard of many families feeling this same way. I believe that when you have a child born that is injured, you experience a grieving process for the loss of your expected child. I am not saying we don't love our children just the same, injured or not (as I truly do love both of my children with all my heart and soul and no doubt you do too), but I believe we all have the white picket fence vision of having a beautiful delivery and when this doesn't happen, it's a loss. I guess I shouldn't speak for everyone, but this is how I felt.
So, you of course are entitled to whatever feelings you experience. Why shouldn't you be? You're human with a heart that is hurt.
Keep talking about it and letting these feelings out. It's beneficial to you. And at the end of each night, hug your little one.
Kate,
I have been exactly where you are, and to be honest those feelings return every year around the time of Matthew's birthday.
For the first birthday I chose to look at it as a celebration of life. I got through happy birthday with no problems (a couple tears of joy but that's about it). I was so afraid of being a blubbering mess during his party. See if you can change gears and go the celebration of life route instead of focusing on what happened a year ago. I also told my guests that I did not want to talk about the previous year and have a pity party, we spoke about the bright future ahead instead.
Kate
Gavin is now 13 years old - I have never "enjoyed" his birthday as I felt I should - it brings great sadness to remember that things went wrong and the guilty feeling ( irrational I know, but still there)that I did not protect my baby from this injury.
His last birthday was the first time I got through the whole day and evening and didn't even think back to the birth - it was a great relief.
Maybe it's time thing- maybe it just takes a long time to think about the child and not the birth.
I'm sure that one day you will be able to get through the day without a sad feeling - I hope that it happens sooner rather than later.
Until then - remember we are here to support you.
Karen
Kate:
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal, though I also know that telling you that doesn't make you feel any better.
We had a huge celebration for Juliana's first birthday. We are Jewish and had always named our girl babies very quickly. My first was "named" when she was about 4 months old-but she had been a preemie and I wanted to wait until she looked really healthy! My twins were "named" and "bris" on the same day (my hubby went to the synagogue in the morning while I prepared for the party afterward!) But with Juliana, I just couldn't do it. I would see the Rabbis when I took my kids to Hebrew School and they would ask about her...but I couldn't do it. I was so angry; at myself, at the doctor, and yes, at god. How could this have happened?? How did I let it happen?? Those were the questions I just could not get my mind around. As we approached a year, I decided to try to make it a happy day. We planned the "naming" and a huge party (about 75 people) at a local hotel. We hired a magician for all the other kids. I made my famous "train cake", which Ihave made for each of my children.
I'm glad I did it. My big kids still talk about her birthday party and it started me, very slowly, on my personal road to recovery. I cried putting her in bed that night, but my husband and I stood proudly as she was named--she slept thru the naming ceremony!!
Christy is right---this is a day to celebrate. I am so thrilled that Juliana is in my life. Granted, I could have done without the surgeries, therapies, personal pain, personal weight gain, etc... but I celebrate HER.
And, it does get better. I finally made her another birthday party (her birthday falls so close to Hanukkah that we often let the party go!). We went to the children's museum with 10 of her friends. She was so happy. She wasn't an arm, she was a kid turning 5. And I was so proud of myself! I really could see that.
So cry, if you need to. I believe that chocolate cake and m & m's have true healing properties!!!!! So have some. But celebrate this day. Even if you don't feel that your son can handle something big, invite your close friends and your family over. Get plates and the centerpiece and the table cloth with whatever character he is into and let him have his moment to shine. Because no matter what else, he is your beautiful boy.
