comments about bpi from strangers

[sharlon]

last night i went to a meeting which was all men except for me and marlin (she's almost four now) and i heard several people asking what was wrong with her arm. she is doing so well and most people (women) say that if you didn't know about it you wouldn't notice. i just thought it was strange that so many people were asking about it, is it that men are just more open about things and women feel that it is not polite to say they can notice the difference between her and a child without a bpi. it kind of makes me feel bad because i too thought that she was doing so well and it was basically not something that you would pick up on so easily. maybe that is not fair to her, her bpi is a part of who she is and something that makes her different. i don't know i just thought that it was weird the difference in what men say and what women say

[admin]

That is really strange and very interesting. Her arm hasn't gotten any worse lately? It wasn't something she was wearing or some activity that she was doing that brought it out more? Wow, if anything you would think women would tend to notice more, since we are often more detail oriented and aware of things like that. Gosh, I wonder why? Do you think men are just more upfront? I haven't noticed anything like that yet. Not sure what to think.

[PeggyUBPN]

In general, it has been my experience that men are more blunt and to the point and women often look deeper than the "physical being".
Sometimes it's a tough row to hoe when strangers make comments about our children; however, it could also be a reminder that even though it's an everyday occurance (bpi) with us, the public still needs to be educated.

Peggy

[jep98056]

I seem to recall posts in the forums that related rather blunt if not insulting comments from women. However, I think the majority of questions about my arm have been initiated by men. I wouldn’t consider the questions as "blunt" but simply wondering why I'm having trouble doing something. Just the other day, a male acquaintance asked me if I had hurt my arm while watching me pull on a sweat shirt over my head (essentially one handed). I told him about the injury and he commented that he had never noticed anything wrong before. End of comment, back to the task at hand. I know that he is now aware of my injury and will probably be watching for a while.

Children and adults will be asked questions for the rest of their days. Some will seem blunt, some will seem caring, some will seem indifferent. As a child and adult, I've usually answered by saying "I have a birth injury" because that's what my parents used to say. Now, after being exposed to and learning more about OBPI through UBPN, I explain more about the injury and pass out one the informational UBPN cards I keep in my wallet. (Nancy: I have only 3 left. Can I get any more?)

John P.

[LeeAnne]

I always get the comments from older women, seems like 65+. They tend to say things like the child isn't right there listening. One in particular I will never forget.She noticed something I never had because of the way Michaela's arm hangs. She walked right up to us in the toy secton of Target and said " Oh, she does have a arm on that side." I thought she was nuts, then she said "from the back it doesn't look like there's an arm there". I wanted to kill her, Momma bear mode was kicking right on in. I just said she was injured at birth and walked away which is unusual for me because I try to take those opportunities to educate, but I was more worried about how Michaela was affected.

[Carolyn J]

It has been my experience that since I was @40 yrs old,I am going to be 66 next week,people assume that I've had a stroke and make some comment.I always educate and state, "No, I have a birth injury called Erb's Palsy and no it is not Cerebral Palsy either,each palsy is different as are the individual kinds of injuries that we all have. I am also giving all the medical stuff on adult OBPI to my Dr. so that we both know what and how to deal with pain issues that keep coming up.
Carolyn J

[admin]

my one year old just had a cast put on his oyher arm this morning. And right away people were staring. I wonder what they are thinking. I feel so bad because "a 1 year old has a cast on". It is strictly restrictive.

[Kath]

I really am surprised it was a man asking. Most men said very little about my arm... but woman asked me constantly. Most folks would tell me they hardly noticed it. I had to explain, my lack of function, just recently to my brother and another family member duh! My brother said he had no idea that anyone one would view me as disabled. He was shocked when I mentioned a cashier asked me what happened to my arm and hand, he is usually very nice but thought I should have asked why she wanted to know what was wrong and tell her it was none of her business… LOL…. That just does not work well for me nor does it help to educate people.

I traveled public transportation to school and at least 2/3 time a day I was asked” what happened to your arm little girl did you break it”? My mother taught me how to handle this quite well. I was never upset as a child by the question I just told them the doctor injured my arm when I was born. My mother was always calm when asked what was wrong with me and was very matter of fact with her answers -- I was birth injured and it was a great miracle that I can use my arm so well.
As a young adult I hated any comments and I guess became a bit more touchy and annoyed (but never showed it publicly, I vented at home about how ignorant some folks are) I am 64 and would never ask such a question of anyone nor would I admit to noticing something wrong with someone's child... this is just bad manners at any age.
We (BPI) have to learn how to handle public questions and the best way for us, is to be calm, matter of fact and then move on just as John P mentioned.
Rude people come in all shapes sizes and sexes and they will ask. I can’t control/change rude folks but I can control my reaction to rude and nosy questions.
Kath

[admin]

LeeAnne,

Regarding your Target story (how horrifying!) ... I would have been so, so tempted to look the woman straight in the face, size her up and say, "From the front it doesn't look there's a brain in there!"
Momma bears unite!

Janet

[LynND]

When my son was 7 he had an osteotomy and so was in a stop sign spint(statue of Liberty) anyway parents of children at school we looking so I said he was butchered at birth I am not proud of that but the looks I were getting were like I had caused this injury. Nobody said anything and they were very uncomfortable. I got the message across but not very well. It was wrong to do it in front of my son. It has taken him 24 years to come to terms with his injury and he is only just now starting to accept it. The doctors have no idea of the psychological ramifications of what they have done to our children. I feel more focus needs to made in this area.