trouble with son

[lindar]

My 18-year old son has a LBPI with nerve root avulsions and no use of arm whatsoever. I'm at my wit's end with him. He was injured in a car accident four years ago, he was driving, and his friend killed and two others received critical injuries as well. He seems to be on a path of destruction, he barely goes to school, he needs to graduate this year, he won't bathe, brush his teeth or take care of himself. He smokes pot and cigarettes non-stop and drinks. I've taken him to psychiatrists but he won't go back. He doesn't listen to me and yells and cusses at me for getting on his back. Do I just sit back and watch him self-destruct? I can't even carry on a civil conversation with him anymore. I need help. Thanks

[Gianni]

Linda,

I'm so sorry for you and your son. My older son had an accident and the other person died. He has also had a difficult time with it, not to the extent your son is feeling, but still very depressed. It has been 4 years since this happened. I am hoping that when the law suit against us is over he will be able to put it behind him. I know he worries very much about us possibly losing our life savings because of this. I tell him all the time that it is in God's hands and whatever happens we will always survive, as long as we keep faith. I know praying very hard all the time is a saving grace for me.

Regards
Maureen

[admin]

I think I would tell him to shape up or ship out. Where is he getting the money for drugs, cigarettes and booze? I don't see this behaviour as being 100% caused by his handicap. I think there are other issues he is dealing with. Has anything changed recently? Please tell us more.

[admin]

Wow - I never realized how fortunate that I am. It pains me to read what your sons' are going through. I read both e-mails and am speechless. I have thought all day of what advice or support that I could offer. Nothing comes to mind. I open up my e-mail to your son if he wants to ask me questions. I avulsed my left bp when I was 22. I spent a lot of time drinking, but was able to move forward with my wife probably because I was 8 years older than your son when he had his injury. My prayers are with both of your families and healthy mental recovery for your sons. I can definately understand their frustrations and depressions. There are a lot folks on this board who have very active lifes despite their injuries. A lot of good people have overcome their trial and tribulations. I would encourage your sons to continuely visit this message board and reach out to anyone that he clicks with.

-Rich

[admin]

Thanks for your concern. I'm just going to take it one day it at a time. I'm going to try and see if he'll sit down with me this weekend (he lives with his dad) and see if I can't get through to him. I won't give up no matter how frustrating. I wish I could make him see that life goes on and he must make the best of his situation. Maybe in time............thanks, again.

[admin]

Thanks so much for your concern. I'm not going to give up on him but I wish there was something I could do to get through to him. I'm going to try again this weekend (he lives with his dad). I keep thinking time will help but it seems like he gets worse the longer it's been.

[lizzyb]

Hi Linda...I am so sorry you are both going thru this...I can kind of relate since I have brought up two sons single handed, one of which did give me a few years of worry and stress...nothing like you are going thru at the moment tho.

Your son has been thru some terrible traumatic and life changing experiences, all of them at a time in his life when he was naturally going thru changes physically and mentally as all teenagers do..he is almost definitely having a hard time coming to terms with all that has happened, including the death of his friend, and his injured arm a constant reminder. I wouldn't mind betting that he is suffering from real deep depression about this. It's a shame he won't go back to the phsychiatrist....but understandable in a way. If he went back, it would be like admitting to himself and everyone else that there is a problem, and thats probably the reason why he didn't.

I know what you are going thru too; as a mum it's so infuriating not knowing how to help or put things right to make everything better, which is all we ever want for our kids, no matter what their age. Have you thought about talking to other people who are in a simmilar situation? The Tough Love organisation are pretty good and could give you some ideas of how to go forward in this; the link to their website is http://www.toughlove.org/ There might be a group near where you live.

I truly do hope things work out for all concerned...and they probably will. Never give up; me and my son are now the best of friends and have a great relationship; the past is all but forgotten...there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

best wishes

Liz

ps Linda; I hope I haven't overstepped the mark...if I have, I apologise; this is such a difficult subject to handle on a messageboard

[admin]

Just being 18 years old is hard enough ! This has got to be tough on you. I agree that he needs to graduate, after which get a job, attend college or a trade school. After he graduates, he is going to need structure and a routine. The biggest issue that I faced was the fear of not being independent or being able to join the work force and sustain a living for myself. I am certain that the same fears are going through his head. I assure you that there are lots of opportunities out there for him. My parents were divorced so I understand the weekend visits. My advice is to find an activity that you both enjoy - My Mom and I enjoyed playing backgammon. The activity does not need to be a weekend event but something small that requires interaction but not necessarily direct conversation. It is going to take a lot of baby steps to get to the point where you can start talking about the future without him resisting and yelling. Another activity that helped me heal was shooting pool. I spent weeks learning how to play pool with one arm. I got to the point where I could beat just about anybody or at least be competitive.

What else ? I am trying to think of things that my Mom did that drove me crazy and made me resist her help. I will compile a list. You need to balance the emotions - My Mom was very emotional to a fault.

-Rich

[Nancy (Eric's Mom)]

Hi,

Rich, you struck a chord when you said your mom was emotional to a fault. I'm afraid to admit that sounds like me.

My son was 20 when he had his car accident. All nerves avulsed. Surgery at LSU 4 months post accident. Pretty good recovery 3.5 years later but been through a lot in the meantime.

Without giving too much detail on a public forum let me just say that it was extremely difficult for all of us. Please email me if you'd like to talk privately. Just know that you're not alone. Many of us can relate. It's a horrible injury BUT things do get better. Sounds like your son needs to know that there are many people out there like him.

Please stay in touch.

[herff94]

Hi Moms~
I am a surviver of a motorcycle accident I was in @ 17 and my boyfriend died from the accident, one month later on his 18th b-day.
I remember drinking alot and sitting on the floor in my bedroom wishing I would of died, too. I felt no one would want me after this injury and my skinny arm hung at my side, lifeless. I will be honest and say that I abused my mother verbally because (I'm guessing) that I knew she had to take care of me and that she loved me no matter what I did or said.
I can't say it will get better for your son because after reading this message board everyone handles their injury differntly. I compare this injury to death of a loved one, some can move on but others can't. I would definitely get your son into a rehab for his alcohol and drug abuse. I know he can't feel his pain physcially and emotionally when he's drunk and high but that will slowly kill him or leave his homeless. My mom also had me "talk" to someone and I went 2 times and quit. That is something you can not force. I still continued to work. I worked at a bank, which does not require even a HS diploma. It kept me busy and I met new people. They got me motivated to take classes at college and make a life for myself. When I got away from the people that were around me after the accident and reminded me of my boyfriend and made me sad I became a better person. Your son needs to stay away from the people he's with now, they seem to support his habits.
How?? I wish I had the answer but the first step is that HE wants to get better, mentally. If he has to have surgery limit his contact with those friends that want to see him when he's recovering; take him away for a week or even a weekend trip. I know that costs $$$ but you could figure it out and you'll see after it was worth it.
I want to help as much as I can. Losing your arm is hard enough but lose a friend at the same time is traumatic.
I pray for your son and for you. Good luck.
Kathleen H