My husband is hurting!

[admin]

Hi Fran,
Yes l know were your coming from, l always feel gulity when l leave my husband and go out for the day on my own. But beleive me it does help. You will get there in the end but it takes time. I'm 7 years down the line now and l still feel guilty when l go out. It's my night out tonight at my friends. By the way did you say you have children, how old are they. This may sound hard but my kids help me alot. My youngest his only 12 years old but he helps, to look after his dad when l go out. And l'm always at the end of a phone if he needs me. Try it one day, do you have a moblie? If so just take time to have a walk down to the end of the road or to your local shops. I started by taking my dog to our local field, but l always keep my phone with me. And l leave to number handy for my husband to ring if he needs me. Your husband may also need time out so this could also help him. Hope things get better for you, l wish you both all the best.
Gayle

[admin]

This may come across as harsh but you act like your husband is some sort of worthles being that is not capable of taking care of himself. Treat him like that and that is how he is going to act. The drinking has to stop, the dependency has to stop. He is not happy and never will be until he can manage on his own. Don't feel guilty about going out with your friends. You need your space and he needs to learn to adapt; otherwise, you both will continue to be miserable.

[herff94]

That was a bit harsh! Its only been a year and I can tell you for the first 4-5 years drinking made feel better because I didn't care and it didn't hurt as much. But I was also 17 yrs old when my accident happened. Like death, no one can tell anyone how to handle something like this. But you can't just tell him to "get over it." Because it is death, death of his arm. It took me along time but I got sick of feeling sorry for myself. Be patient. Keep him busy. Give him reasons to live and reasons not to drink his pain away. Put yourself in his shoes and think of how you would want to be treated. I feel terrible for you, I can't even begin to tell my mother and father how sorry I am for the way I acted for those 1st 5 years. Good luck, it can only get better.

[admin]

Alias, That is a harsh way to put it, but I don't exactly disagree with you. Fran I am in more of your husbands position. My accident was July 11, 2003, LTBPI, flail arm at the time being. When the accident first happened and I was finally, released from the hospital, my parents insisted I go live with them for a while to heal. I agreed with resistence to go. Two weeks into the stay I had a myelogram done that basicallydiagnosed that my nerves were not streched but avulsed. My heart dropped, but I'm only 29 and I could learn to live with one arm. I finally got back to my house to take care of myself. My boyfriend and i got a new place together and started moving in. That's when the pain started in. It just kept getting worseand worse. I made an appointment to see the nuerosurgeon who saw me in the hospital. I had to wait 3 weeks with basically no meds to see him. I get into his office and he almost refusees to see me because I hadn't picked him up as my primary care docter after I left the hospital. He refused to talk to be about meds or anything else. By this time my pain was controling me more then my head. I knew how long it took to get in to see any docter and most of them won't talk to you without a referal. I had to bite the bullet and go back home to my parents because at least I had a neurosurgeon there who would see me. I knew this was a dangerous move for me because I was so on the verge of depression I knew if my mom took control, I'ld be done. So here I am, now, presently. I'm extremely depressed, I've loss all hope of self worth, and I am stuck in a downword spiral and some of it is because my mom treats me like I am 2. I take a bath and she has clothes waiting for me when i am done. She has pill cups marked AM/PM that I'm not in control of filling. I can't fix myself food,or make coffee, or talk on the phone without her listening on the other end. She feels so terrible when i get bad pain spasms. She starts making the sounds too as if she was the one in pain. And do you think this is helping me recover at all. NO. I need to relearn how to do things for myself. I need to make a new idendity for myself, because I am definately not the same person I was before the accident. I have been fighting her to let me get back home so I can start healing myself. I need to learn a new career and just leran how to cope with life.
Fran, I'm not saying you are anything like my mother, but you deserve a night out on your own. Heck you need a vacation, without feeling guilty. If your husband dosen't know it, he has an incredible wife that has done everything in her power to make his suffering as minimal as possible. So has my mom.I love my mother to death. She is a caring and strong woman, but if I give into her mothering, I will be dependent on her for the rest of my life. I sure your husband has a whole new bag of tricks he needs to learn while your out enjoying your life. Everyone needs to breath now and again. That's how we stay alive.
Take care and my best wishes to your family.
LOVE SUSAN

[admin]

Susan-RIGHT ON! You say you have low self worth-just look at your words and how wise they are, and be proud. Maybe also show them to your mother! You go girl!

[Francine_Litz]

Fran, I wish you and your husband strength to be able to get through this. I'm glad to hear that you have some professional support. I hope that things shift for both of you. What a hard turn your lives have taken. I'm so sorry to hear all that you are both going through,
francine

[admin]

Hi Fran, Alias was a bit hard on you with that relpy, but in all she his right in some ways. You have to be hard on him. Have you ever heard the saying you've got to be curle to be kind. Thats what l do now, my husband his still having a hard time with the pain. He has started to see a pain doctor again, which we hope will help. You have to got on with your life has well. Or the next thing his that you'll be the one taking depression tablets. I know l've been there, or nearly. l go to see my gp and tell them how l'm feeling and just let it all out, and that helps me. I did notice that you are seeking a professonal help now. So be patient and in time everything will come together.
Also talking to people on the boards should help a little l know there not there to see what your going though but beleive me we know what your going though.
Does your husband read the messages, if not do what somebody told me to do. They said to print the messages of and let him read them in his own time. You never know this could also help him to understand what your going though has well. Hope things get better and keep your chin up.

[admin]

Hi Susan

Can't help comparing yourself to me as regards living at home. I am 37 and living at home since injury..6 months now..its driving me crazy. I sit in the backseat of the car when parents drive anywhere ie.town etc..so I feel just like a kid again. Anyhow, I am off to Dublin shortly when my apartment is ready hopefully in the next 2 months and then have to worry about things like job etc. Am currently on disability allowance. Might only work parttime. Shall see how it goes. I actually wouldn't mind teaching but not sure my good arm which is also plexied will be able to write on boards etc..hopefully time will tell and strengthen it up. I have every possible exercise assistance here from rowing machines to handbikes to elastics.. Sometimes I wonder is there any point as the left arm isn't innervated so it makes no difference at all and the right arm has to work for 2 in daily things in any event so why wear it out even more. This injury is sooo frustrating...it really is. As you say you have just say right this is the new me what can I do now.

[punchy sue]

Hi Fran-

I hope your husband is feeling a little bit better every day. I also hope your guilty consciousnesshas had a reality check and you are taking the time to take care of yourself.
Funny thing, I don't know who the guest was that wrote the i should show my message to my mom. I just did. It was really funny because all the stuff was true and I think she was laughing harder then I was.
So Aurelia, if you can keep on laughing, you'll make it home and I will too (oh please, oh please oh, please!!!!!!!!!)
THANX LOVE SUSAN

[admin]

I am the one who hurts i've never wanted help but some times everybody needs help . My wife has helped and i could have not made it without her help . And 3 months after has i was walking doing house work helping around the store and other things .IT hurts every day and somedays worst but i keep going i'm afaid to stop I have read anHWry