My husband is hurting!

[admin]

Our story began on Aug. 4, 2002. My husband, who was home on a break from his job, had a really bad motorcycle accident. He slammed into a tree, and went over a 30 foot embankment. He landed head first in a creek of nasty water. Fortunately, his sister found him. They took him to the local hospital where his injuries were assessed and I was given the grim news. He had 3 broken bones in his neck, three in his wrist, his right collarbone, most of his ribs, six (6) bones in his back and a punctured lung. I was devastated. I thought I had lost him. They transferred him to another trauma hospital. He spent 4 days in ICU and 5 more in the step down and regular units. Pretty good for all those injuries. Anyway, the doctor who pinned and screwed his wrist together told me he had a BPI. I had worked in a health clinic for 8 years and never heard that word and did not have a clue what it meant. They were going to try the nerve graft last December, but were unable. He stays in pain all the time. He is just miserable and it is so hard to deal with him. I feel bad, because I know all about chronic pain, but how do you help someone you love who has lost everything important in his life as far as his ability to work and feel self worth? He drinks and trys to forget about everything that way and it just makes things worse when he comes down. So what kind of suggestions do you all have? We are waiting on disability and so far our credit has been ruined. thanks for listening!

[cbe411]

Fran,
I am sorry to hear about your husband, but do know that we are all here for you both. I had a car accident 2 and a half years ago and am dealing with the same crap! The drinking helps me too but the next day, it just isnt worth it, not for me. Not to say that I dont drink, I LOVE IT, but not to take away pain. I find that working out and keeping myself busy helps with the pain a bit. Have you guys been to a BPI doctor? I was given the "run aound" for a while myself. On the resources here, we have many experienced doctors. I would recomend that you check that out. http://ubpn.org/medicalresources/ Follow through and see whta is near you. A BPI doctor is the best to see, there are many doctors that claim to know about this injury and really dont! Good luck, hope this has helped. Feel free to email me personally at any time with any questions, info, etc. courtney@ubpn.org\
COurtney

[jennyb]

Hi Fran
Sorry to hear about your husband's accident, what a trauma for both of you.
You don't say why the nerv graft wasn't carried out in December, and I have no idea how serious his bpi is, but there may be procedures that could help even this far post accident. He needs to see an adult bpi specialist asap, the medical resource listing on the home page might show you some options near you.
There is a website specifically for adult tbpi injuries set up in the UK, issues re disability, surgery etc are different across the pond but the people are no different. There are a lot of articles by the injured people themselves and sections on Post Traumatic Stress disorder which affects so many of our members. There is also a message board, one of our regulars is the wife of a guy who is very badly affected by the pain and susequent depression. This can be very hard on loved ones. We are currently working on a page about the psychological effects of the injury. Here's the site http://tbpiukgroup.homestead.com/Index_1.html
The message board can be reached from the home page, and together with this one that's a lot of potential support/shared experiences.
Nice to 'meet' you take care Jen NZ

[Henry]

Hi Fran,

No one should go through this, and my heart goes out to both of you.

I am in the same place as your husband. I am in constant, if varying degrees of pain, and it breaks my heart to see my wife try to cope with my situation, although we have worked out many ways to cope.

She has learned that my pain is beyond her ability to alter it. What she can do is help me deal with it. Sometimes I deal with it by drinking too much, and she does not add recrimation to the pain. I appreciate that and do my best to avoid doing it too often,

And we talk. I have come to trust her with the pain and with letting the emotions go when it gets beyond management. She gives me the room to endure and wait it out, and is patient with the edginess and damper my pain puts on the family. Back rubs help too.

It took both of us time to reach this balance, and it works for us. There is another side to this, one that has room for happiness and a life together. Both of you are suffering and both of you are changed by this. Give it time and patience. Your lives will never be the same, but time will heal.

Hang tough.

Henry

[admin]

Fran

I can relate to your concerns as my husband also had a devastating motorbike accident in June 2002. He had a severe head injury as well as multiple internal injuries, fractured ribs and pelvis and a left BPI. It is now fifeteen months post accident and he is still having hospital treatment for various things and in fact he will be having surgery on Thursday to repair a ruptured diaphragm.

There are a lot of people on this board and the one in the UK that will be able to help you through the rough patches even if it is only via verbal communication.

I do not know your personal circumstances but I can tell you that it is pretty tough being a carer and having to watch the one you care most about suffering so much pain and trauma. The way I deal with things is to try to keep positive and focus on a time in the future that looks brighter even if you have to make it up.

In the early months I made sure that my husband had a constant stream of people, family and friends, who either came to see him for a couple of hours or who came to have a meal with us. Obviously not every day but a couple of days a week. This was hard work for me as in between caring for him at home and hospital appointments I was also the social secretary and head chef! But it was great for him as it served as a distraction as well as keeping him as positive as possible and seeing people gave him some contact with "normality".

The trouble is that as a carer you can only do so much and the rest has to come from him which is not easy when your life is changed so dramatically in every way. But do not forget that your life has changed too so along with the sympathy and love and support make sure you have some time for you. My husband now sees a clinical psychologist who has helped him a lot in terms of motivation, regaining his self esteem, confidence and emotional problems. It took a long time to persuade him to go but now he sees this doc about once a fortnight and I think it has made a big difference.

Drinking is not the answer but I guess it helps to obliterate the pain and suffering. It is a long road that you and your husband have to travel but hang in there as I am sure it will get better. On a positive note despite all of his injuries my husband can now drive and ride a pushbike. He goes to the gym twice a week and has also returned to hill walking. Unfortunately he will never be able to work again because of his head injury but he is now doing a couple of courses with a Head Injury organisation in the UK and one of them is carpentry.

Keep your spirits up

Tina

[someone in need]

Hi my name his Gayle, my husband had his accident 7 years ago. Don't want to frighten you but its hell for those who have to care for them. Has you said you just don't know what to do for them. I've sat and cried with him and had to walk away and cry on my own, some days. Its really hard watching them in all that pain.
We are still going though alot at the moment, but you've got to keep your chin up. And beleive me l know it's hard..
You've to let him try and do things on his own, and if he needs help be there for him. There will be times when he will lose it, but being there his all you can do. But you've also to have time out for yourself, l found having a night out at my friends helps me. I go there every tuesday and we have a drink and enjoy oursleves. Then when you get back your refreshed and ready to take anything on. l do hope this message helps and l'm always on my computer to listen but you can always e-mail me on : PGM@elemte50.fsnet.co.uk
Things will get better in time,but don't forget you need your time has well.
Take care
Gayle

[admin]

I wanted to thank you for your kind reply. I am now seeing a counselor also. Everyone seems to say about the same thing. I need to take time out for me too! I can't beleive how hard that is to do. I don't have alot of time for that and when I do, then I feel guilty for leaving and getting away from it all. I don't know, this is just one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. How do you get through with half a mind left?
Thanks for your time.
Fran

[admin]

I wanted to thank you for your kind reply. I am now seeing a counselor also. Everyone seems to say about the same thing. I need to take time out for me too! I can't beleive how hard that is to do. I don't have alot of time for that and when I do, then I feel guilty for leaving and getting away from it all. I don't know, this is just one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. How do you get through with half a mind left?
Thanks for your time.
Fran

[admin]

I wanted to thank you for your kind reply. I am now seeing a counselor also. Everyone seems to say about the same thing. I need to take time out for me too! I can't beleive how hard that is to do. I don't have alot of time for that and when I do, then I feel guilty for leaving and getting away from it all. I don't know, this is just one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. How do you get through with half a mind left?
Thanks for your time.
Fran

[admin]

Hi Fran,
Yes l know were your coming from, l always feel gulity when l leave my husband and go out for the day on my own. But beleive me it does help. You will get there in the end but it takes time. I'm 7 years down the line now and l still feel guilty when l go out. It's my night out tonight at my friends. By the way did you say you have children, how old are they. This may sound hard but my kids help me alot. My youngest his only 12 years old but he helps, to look after his dad when l go out. And l'm always at the end of a phone if he needs me. Try it one day, do you have a moblie? If so just take time to have a walk down to the end of the road or to your local shops. I started by taking my dog to our local field, but l always keep my phone with me. And l leave to number handy for my husband to ring if he needs me. Your husband may also need time out so this could also help him. Hope things get better for you, l wish you both all the best.
Gayle