Michael just turned 4 years old two days ago. Yesterday I was trying to help him do some stretching by putting his left BPI hand behind his back, so that both hands can lock together behind his back. He has trouble putting hand behind. Doctors say that he might never be able to do that. We did that many times before. This time, he said, "Mommy, you hurt my feelings." I did not know what to say.
Just I was thinking before. As they become older and older, they will become more aware of their BPI issues and physical deficit. Soon, he will start to ask questions about his injury and I need to answer them.
I have been always concerned about the upcoming school days, the feeling of physical inferiority, the peer pressure and teasing. Yesterday we went to play in the elementary school playground. We saw a lot of boys and girls playing soccer, all very atheletic.
In the playground, I also saw one boy about 5 years old was doing the monkey bars with such an ease. I cannot help but think what lies ahead of my BPI son next year when he joins the Kindergarten.
Sorry for the mumble and jumbo. If you have any insight, please share. Thanks.
Jenny
A New Four Year Old
Re: A New Four Year Old
Jenny,
I could really relate to your letter. My son Jack will be 5 in 2 months. I have had the same concerns & fears for him. He is in pre-school now and will start kindergarten in the fall. One thing I've found to be true about these concerns though...my worries always turn out to be worse than what actually "comes to be".
We have lots of kids in our neighborhood, and Jack & his sister are always outside playing when the weather's nice. I've watched him with the others, and so far, no major "catastrophes" have occurred. He just does what he can do. He's definitely having as much fun as everyone else and I never see him just "sitting on the sidelines". He's always in the thick of things, and he must adapt because I'm not watching him every minute and so far there's never been a case where he's come in the house crying because he couldn't do something. To date, the other kids have never been a problem (with teasing etc.) In fact they're usually kind of cute in their honesty. My nephew (5 now) called him once and said "Jack...you still got that band-aid on your arm?" So innocent. Now I'm sure as they get older, he will encounter some not-so-nice kids who are looking to pick on anyone who's different, but hopefully all of his good experiences up until that time will have "lifted him up" enough that he will be able to handle these kids and know that they're the ones with the disability (in their hearts & heads)...not him.
Another thing I've seen so far (in pre-school and in the neighborhood)....since Jack is always bigger than other kids his age, I'm hoping as time goes by the "mean" kids in the future will be a little intimidated by his size and think twice before making any mean comments. (LOL-we'll see!).
This is my experience so far....it was meant to give you hope. Your letter touched me....I've been there.
I could really relate to your letter. My son Jack will be 5 in 2 months. I have had the same concerns & fears for him. He is in pre-school now and will start kindergarten in the fall. One thing I've found to be true about these concerns though...my worries always turn out to be worse than what actually "comes to be".
We have lots of kids in our neighborhood, and Jack & his sister are always outside playing when the weather's nice. I've watched him with the others, and so far, no major "catastrophes" have occurred. He just does what he can do. He's definitely having as much fun as everyone else and I never see him just "sitting on the sidelines". He's always in the thick of things, and he must adapt because I'm not watching him every minute and so far there's never been a case where he's come in the house crying because he couldn't do something. To date, the other kids have never been a problem (with teasing etc.) In fact they're usually kind of cute in their honesty. My nephew (5 now) called him once and said "Jack...you still got that band-aid on your arm?" So innocent. Now I'm sure as they get older, he will encounter some not-so-nice kids who are looking to pick on anyone who's different, but hopefully all of his good experiences up until that time will have "lifted him up" enough that he will be able to handle these kids and know that they're the ones with the disability (in their hearts & heads)...not him.
Another thing I've seen so far (in pre-school and in the neighborhood)....since Jack is always bigger than other kids his age, I'm hoping as time goes by the "mean" kids in the future will be a little intimidated by his size and think twice before making any mean comments. (LOL-we'll see!).
This is my experience so far....it was meant to give you hope. Your letter touched me....I've been there.
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Francine_Litz
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2003 9:03 pm
Re: A New Four Year Old
Jenny - I have a 5 year old (well almost) too - her name is Maia and she will start kindergarten next year.
We have the same concerns. But I have some info for you that may be helpful.
I went to a seminar recently called 20:4:80. It was led by a doctor from Canada - Dr. Karen Pape - who works primary with children who have physical different-abilities. She is the doc who invented the TES nighttime stimulation unit.
Anyway - she talked a lot about perception. We all know that "is the glass half empty or half full" concept. But she talked about how a parents perception can really affect a child's perception. If you have the perception that your child is going to succeed - then he will (hopefully) grab onto that energy and move in that direction.
Another topic she talked about is the concept of "success". A child needs to taste and experience success in order to feel self worth/esteem. Can your son be involved in things that really work on his strengths so that he can taste and feel success?
I'll give you an example of Maia's last year. Maia was in gymnastics for two years. As long as it was mat work and her physical therapist was there to help her she was doing ok. But as soon as the demands became more upper body - things started going downhill. Even though we adapted the equipment to meet her needs it was still very different from what the other children were able to accomplish. When the new season started and she saw that they kept her back in the younger class because she hadn't accomplished enough - she refused to partake in the class. She was VERY depressed and sad about it. We tried the class four times (because I didn't get her message loud and clear enough the first 3 times - smackin myself on the head) and then took her out of the class but quickly signed her up for a different class..... tap and ballet. And here in this class she is being very successful, enjoying it immensely and doesn't feel pressured. Sadness has gone.
So this summer, what are you plans with your son? Can you get him involved in day camp that gets the kids ready for sports? There are a couple of months before a camp would start. Can a PT or OT include sports training in his therapy so that he has a head start?
Our kids can be as athletic as any other child. They will just manage specifics pertaining to their arms differently. There are a number of past posts that you will find on here from parents whose kids not only did really well - but they were exceptional in sports and got awards. Posts like these really help us, as parents of bpi kids, gain a new perception of what can be if we help mold our own child's perception.
Maia has a lot of developmental delays. For example she has a hard time writing, etc. So to balance that I am teaching her reading, math and sciences and she's doing really good with that. I'm trying to balance each delay with a success so that when she even has the thought that she "can't do this or that"- I can say - hey what are you talking about - look how well you do this or that.
I'm not an expert in any of this stuff and I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. It's like I tell my 21 year old.... jot this down in your journal so that when you're 30 you can discuss this with your counselor! LOL LOL But I figured I'd share where I am in all of this with Maia.
Good luck,
and Happy Birthday to Michael!
-francine
We have the same concerns. But I have some info for you that may be helpful.
I went to a seminar recently called 20:4:80. It was led by a doctor from Canada - Dr. Karen Pape - who works primary with children who have physical different-abilities. She is the doc who invented the TES nighttime stimulation unit.
Anyway - she talked a lot about perception. We all know that "is the glass half empty or half full" concept. But she talked about how a parents perception can really affect a child's perception. If you have the perception that your child is going to succeed - then he will (hopefully) grab onto that energy and move in that direction.
Another topic she talked about is the concept of "success". A child needs to taste and experience success in order to feel self worth/esteem. Can your son be involved in things that really work on his strengths so that he can taste and feel success?
I'll give you an example of Maia's last year. Maia was in gymnastics for two years. As long as it was mat work and her physical therapist was there to help her she was doing ok. But as soon as the demands became more upper body - things started going downhill. Even though we adapted the equipment to meet her needs it was still very different from what the other children were able to accomplish. When the new season started and she saw that they kept her back in the younger class because she hadn't accomplished enough - she refused to partake in the class. She was VERY depressed and sad about it. We tried the class four times (because I didn't get her message loud and clear enough the first 3 times - smackin myself on the head) and then took her out of the class but quickly signed her up for a different class..... tap and ballet. And here in this class she is being very successful, enjoying it immensely and doesn't feel pressured. Sadness has gone.
So this summer, what are you plans with your son? Can you get him involved in day camp that gets the kids ready for sports? There are a couple of months before a camp would start. Can a PT or OT include sports training in his therapy so that he has a head start?
Our kids can be as athletic as any other child. They will just manage specifics pertaining to their arms differently. There are a number of past posts that you will find on here from parents whose kids not only did really well - but they were exceptional in sports and got awards. Posts like these really help us, as parents of bpi kids, gain a new perception of what can be if we help mold our own child's perception.
Maia has a lot of developmental delays. For example she has a hard time writing, etc. So to balance that I am teaching her reading, math and sciences and she's doing really good with that. I'm trying to balance each delay with a success so that when she even has the thought that she "can't do this or that"- I can say - hey what are you talking about - look how well you do this or that.
I'm not an expert in any of this stuff and I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. It's like I tell my 21 year old.... jot this down in your journal so that when you're 30 you can discuss this with your counselor! LOL LOL But I figured I'd share where I am in all of this with Maia.
Good luck,
and Happy Birthday to Michael!
-francine
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marymom
- Posts: 692
- Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2001 5:05 pm
- Injury Description, Date, extent, surgical intervention etc: Teen aged home birthed son with OBPI
- Location: Fort Pierce, FL
Re: A New Four Year Old
My youngest son is 4,left obpi, He also cant get his hand behind his back...OUCH! It hurts. ...and good for your son to be capable of showing you his feelings, that is a good skill!
The exact same thing happened to me! I was like, oh crap...It DOES hurt your feelings when someone you love tries(and hurts you in the process) to make your body do something that it can't, because that someone you love thinks it should go that way.For me the answer was simple, I dont do that anymore, said- Im sorry, told him I only meant to stretch him and in the future I will think of better ways to do that,(like put cool stuff behind him and make him reach for it, beltloops, back pockets, that sort of thing.
Well I didnt say all that to him, I just said, sorry I love you, I never hurt you on purpose and I wont do that anymore, if your arm doesnt want to go that way thats perfectly fine.
There will always be children who feel the need to make themselves feel stronger,smarter,cooler/better and who will put down others around them to feel that way.These kids(adults too) will do that to anyone around them, not just someone with a bpi- I try to keep that in mind when I think about Max in school and on the playground for instance, so that my feelings and concerns will not hinder his childhood experiences.
Your son sounds like he is well versed, has a mommy who cares lots for him and will have a wonderful time in school~ good luck!
The exact same thing happened to me! I was like, oh crap...It DOES hurt your feelings when someone you love tries(and hurts you in the process) to make your body do something that it can't, because that someone you love thinks it should go that way.For me the answer was simple, I dont do that anymore, said- Im sorry, told him I only meant to stretch him and in the future I will think of better ways to do that,(like put cool stuff behind him and make him reach for it, beltloops, back pockets, that sort of thing.
Well I didnt say all that to him, I just said, sorry I love you, I never hurt you on purpose and I wont do that anymore, if your arm doesnt want to go that way thats perfectly fine.
There will always be children who feel the need to make themselves feel stronger,smarter,cooler/better and who will put down others around them to feel that way.These kids(adults too) will do that to anyone around them, not just someone with a bpi- I try to keep that in mind when I think about Max in school and on the playground for instance, so that my feelings and concerns will not hinder his childhood experiences.
Your son sounds like he is well versed, has a mommy who cares lots for him and will have a wonderful time in school~ good luck!
Re: A New Four Year Old
Jenny,
I know this is a tough time but I did notice one thing really positive and that is that he could verbalize to you that he was feeling hurt!! My son never could verbalize it very well and ended up holding it all in and that is WAY worse.
All people have things that bother them even if it's not something so noticable as an injury....It is a good skill that he has learned he can talk about it!
Best of luck, I hope as he grows he will realize that even if he can't do something that it's o.k. and he's o.k.(((Shoot I can't dance, I have 2 left feet!!!)))
T.
I know this is a tough time but I did notice one thing really positive and that is that he could verbalize to you that he was feeling hurt!! My son never could verbalize it very well and ended up holding it all in and that is WAY worse.
All people have things that bother them even if it's not something so noticable as an injury....It is a good skill that he has learned he can talk about it!
Best of luck, I hope as he grows he will realize that even if he can't do something that it's o.k. and he's o.k.(((Shoot I can't dance, I have 2 left feet!!!)))
T.
Re: A New Four Year Old
I couldn't agree more and I couldn't have said better than all of the responses that I have read on this thread.
My daughter is seven and we have made it a point to set her up for sucess from an early age. We used to go out of our way to set up tasks or games in such a way that she would accomplish them... easily at first just to incorporate the feeling or knowledge of sucess in her. She now knows that feeling and likes it and is willing to do the work to achieve it.
In our family building these attitudes (acceptance, sucess, competence and ability, are as or more important than therapy and restoration of "near normal" function. The former goals can be achieved and the latter are iffy.
Joshua
My daughter is seven and we have made it a point to set her up for sucess from an early age. We used to go out of our way to set up tasks or games in such a way that she would accomplish them... easily at first just to incorporate the feeling or knowledge of sucess in her. She now knows that feeling and likes it and is willing to do the work to achieve it.
In our family building these attitudes (acceptance, sucess, competence and ability, are as or more important than therapy and restoration of "near normal" function. The former goals can be achieved and the latter are iffy.
Joshua
Re: A New Four Year Old
It is just nice and so comforting to know that we have other people who are in the same boat as us and have understanding of our situation. Thank you all for the sharing and insight. As parents, we can only do the best we can to prepare our kids to live their life and face the challenges in school.
Yes, Francine. I have recently enrolled Michael in the KindermusiK class. So far he is enjoying it. He is thrilled to have his own little dog house, CDs, books and the little Fiddle sticks.
This summer, I will try to get him to swim. He just stands in the water and play, very timid to get his upper body in the water. We are on the waiting list for aquatic therapy. But I believe a lot of it we can probably do it ourself, if Michael can overcome the fear of water.
In the future, we may think of Tai Kuan Do ( not sure about spelling). I understand they do a lot of kicking.
Jenny
Yes, Francine. I have recently enrolled Michael in the KindermusiK class. So far he is enjoying it. He is thrilled to have his own little dog house, CDs, books and the little Fiddle sticks.
This summer, I will try to get him to swim. He just stands in the water and play, very timid to get his upper body in the water. We are on the waiting list for aquatic therapy. But I believe a lot of it we can probably do it ourself, if Michael can overcome the fear of water.
In the future, we may think of Tai Kuan Do ( not sure about spelling). I understand they do a lot of kicking.
Jenny
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Francine_Litz
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2003 9:03 pm
Re: A New Four Year Old
Kindermusik is GREAT! I hope you have a great class/teacher and that he enjoys it!
Also about the fear of swimming.... what's the temp of the water? If it's on the cold side, maybe it hurts his arm to get in it? I know that any temp under 87 causes me pain. Can you get him into a warm pool if this is the situation?
Sounds like you have a great plan!
-francine
Also about the fear of swimming.... what's the temp of the water? If it's on the cold side, maybe it hurts his arm to get in it? I know that any temp under 87 causes me pain. Can you get him into a warm pool if this is the situation?
Sounds like you have a great plan!
-francine
Re: A New Four Year Old
Our KindermusiK teacher is great. Michael already has established a very good rapport with Ms. Sally. Also we found out that Ms. Sally just live down the street from us. So every time when we drive pass her house, Michael will say, "That's Ms. Sally's house!"
The swimming pool just has regular temperature. But we are planning to go to a newly renovated community center, where they have lazy rivers, kids pool with warm water!
Jenny
The swimming pool just has regular temperature. But we are planning to go to a newly renovated community center, where they have lazy rivers, kids pool with warm water!
Jenny
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Francine_Litz
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2003 9:03 pm
Re: A New Four Year Old
our kindermusik teacher lives down the street too - she often comes by to visit... so nice when kids can see their teachers in "normal" life too!
the community pool sounds great!
-francine
the community pool sounds great!
-francine