how do we recover...?

moonchild · Post by **moonchild** » Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:28 pm

Haven't been here in awhile, but I'm back and in desparate need of some emotional support. Most of us know the story of OBPI, doctor mishandles the delivery of our babies, covers up the truth of what really happened, and we do the BEST we can, to do damage control and get our children all the help, therapies, and surgical interventions needed to give them a better quality of life..

Then the court battle begins and we put in the hands of the jurors, just as we did the doctor, our child's life and future. The picture is painted, the story is told.. Long story short, the jury ruled in favor of the doctor!!

So, my husband and I have done our crying and we feel broken.. Please, help us, we don't know how to recover.. ANY words of wisdom would be much appreciated.. Our marriage has already been thru stress/strain due to the mishandled delivery and all that is involved with getting care for our child. We're angry and have no one to hold accountable and I fear that we will turn our anger on each other..

Any emotional support would be great...

jmar · Post by **jmar** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 11:49 am

here is a poem i wrote last year. you can replace the words refering to "you", with words refering to other people, your child, or whoever you want to change it to. hope this helps. good luck to you

accept yourself

accept yourself as you are
appreciate yourself as you
you are not perfect
your body may be injured
but dont let that be who you are
your attitude may not be perfect
but you can change it
it is your decision to
continue being your best self
or being less than your best
it is your job now to learn
how to live a different life
than you had before
it is hard but you can do it
with a lot of hard work and determination
it will get frustrating, annoying, and
feeling like life aint worth it that is normal
and fine to feel that way
but it is not fine to keep feeling that way
so put you head up, smile, and say
I WILL BE MY BEST SELF NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS TO ME

written by Joyce Clemons

Susie · Post by **Susie** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 11:59 am

Time to forgive! Your child still has the opportunity to have a normal life. I understand how you feel as my son's 10th birthday is around the corner and I always get flooded of emotion from the horrific birth memories. In fact it is kind of funny how I find myself at this board at this time annually and hardly any other time of the year. You and your husband need to pat yourselves on the back for fighting through the court of law for someone to take responsibility. We didn't have the guts to do it for our son, so we will never know what would have happened. Move on and help your child focus on what is in his heart. I swear, some of the coordination lost in my son's right arm has moved over to his left arm. He was also born with a mild spina bifida that was late to diagnose so he struggles with lower body issues as well but REALLY, none of this has effected him in doing what he wants to do. Babies that are born with this injury do not know any different and the compensation that you see is amazing!!! Move on and enjoy your life and look for the gifts...they are always there. HUGS!

moonchild · Post by **moonchild** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 12:32 pm

Well, we've talked and cried about it together.. Now, we've been sitting in separate rooms kind of to ourselves. It's like, we don't know how to make sense of it so we've turned inward. We both feel broken and it's manifesting in our home, we're getting snappy with each other. Is this normal?

Yesterday we wrote down on paper, how we felt cheated but how we want to forgive, and then we burned it.. Thought it would be carthartic and help but, no, things don't seem any better today.

Can anyone identify with me? Please tell me it gets better. Maybe some therapy would help??

katep · Post by **katep** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 1:53 pm

It can get better but you may need help to get there. This is one of the hardest things that can happen to a marriage, and it's hard to recover from. With my marriage, the problems only began with our child's traumatic birth and BPI. Over the next years, hit after hit took its toll on our marriage. The year after our son's birth we were in a major car accident experiencing permanent disability, then a really tough adoption of a severely damaged child, then repeated unemployment... a new struggle every year with no end in sight. At first we felt strong for what we had been able to overcome. But at some point the cumulative damage started to take its toll and our marriage started to break down. If you are at all religious, I would strongly recommend a faith-based program called Retrouvaille. You can find more information at www.retrouvaille.org . We are working through this program now, and the light at the end of all this is finally visible. We haven't reached it yet, but we can see it, and we now have hope that we will get past all this and grow into a stronger marriage than we ever had before.

Kate

moonchild · Post by **moonchild** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:49 pm

Thanks Kate.. I was able to identify with you.. Our first situational crisis was our son's birth, and yes, just like you said, it's been one hit after another, but all manageable. This hit has been more like a blow that has knocked us down and we're both struggling to get back up.

Thanks for sharing with me, it helps, we are not alone..

hope16_05 · Post by **hope16_05** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 3:03 pm

For you to heal you need to know that your child's life will go on and they will become anything that they want to be...I know as an injured person, I can not nearly understand your pain as a parent. However, as the opinion of the injured child you need to say life moves on and lets roll with it. The hardest part is getting hung up on the fact that your child's life is forever changed and will never be what it could have been. Their life is what you make it.

Since you have already talked about it...go on a date and promise not to talk about the BPI at all...You need to connect as the couple you were prior to the injury. Absolutely promise not to discuss the bpi.

Amy 25 years old ROBPI from MN

Carolyn J · Post by **Carolyn J** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 4:17 pm

www.retrouvaille.org IS a VERY successful program of repairing marriages.
YES, it is natural for this to happen; this isa lifetime of interventions, therapy and fighting with school districts so focus on getting educated on these message boards and links. There is no dumb question except the one not asked. You are welcome on all Forum message Boards. I still learn alot from the TBPI Injured on Pain Management for example.

Joyce's poem says it for me too.
We are here for you.
Carolyn J
LOBPI/73+

moonchild · Post by **moonchild** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 6:32 pm

We are ANGRY, HURT, and PISSED!!!!!!

are we allowed that initially?? I want to break something!!! I want to scream!!!!! Am I crazy????

jmar · Post by **jmar** » Sat Mar 17, 2012 6:53 pm

how long ago was this decision made by the jury? if it was recent, it is perfectly acceptable to be furious. if you DID NOT feel that way, i would think you were crazy. or in denial. or trying to hide how you feel. take some time to let things settle down a bit before you try to deal with the pain and anger. i hope the best for you and your child. you can get on here and vent all you want. we all understand the anger this injury causes. whether it be a a parent, a child, or as an injured adult. hang in there, it will get better

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