what to say when people are insensitive...

[karategirl1kyu]

If someone asks me nicely i tell them, i implied from the question that they were asking in a rude way... so yeah... oops!

[marieke]

Rude or not.. Kill'em with kindness! They usually feel like idiots then and at the same time you get to educate one more person.

[rchapin]

I'm a straight shooter, so if someone asks me about it, I tell them the truth behind it.

[katep]

In my experience, the people who are the least tactful in asking questions like this usually have some personal experience they wish to discuss. Like the man on the airplane who bluntly asked about Joshua's post-ACR cast, and turns out he was in a similar cast as an adult from a ski accident and just couldn't fathom how a child could have been injured in the same way. Or the grandmom of a child who had cerebral palsy and was wondering if that was what Joshua had. Or the sister of a mom whose child had been similarly injured at birth.

People who are in a hurry to get to "the real conversation" often are the ones who are the least thoughtful when it comes to initiating the conversation. But in my experience, those subsequent conversations have been well worth putting up with the initial blundering into them.

[anotherbpimom...]

Thanks for all your replies. I do try to educate people and be positive (and have been), and I agree with the responses in the context of how I explained it. There are people who ask kindly, but I should have explained more thoroughly that the ones that drive me crazy say "what's wrong with her?" in a mean and rude way, -right in front of her. -Like she's a weird circus freak. My daughter is only 2 1/2, but I can see her change from a smile to a hurt look in a nanosecond. She backs away, puts her head down, and tries to get me to immediately walk away with her. What I FEEL LIKE saying on those rare occasions is: "My daughter may only be 2 1/2 years old, but she is very bright, kind and sweet. You on the other hand may want to take a better look at what's wrong with you." ...Like I said, SO FAR, I've been kind and positive back...

[Mica]

I've come up with a practiced response when people ask like that. I say: "Children are no less deserving of respect than adults. I'm sure your intent was not to be cruel. Would you like to rephrase your question?" I figure this will let them know that it isn't the asking itself that is wrong, but the way they are asking.

I am sorry people have hurt your little girl.

[marieke]

Mica,
I love that answer!

[Mica]

Marieke,

I came up with that - and practiced it in front of a mirror so it would actually come out of my mouth under pressure - after skinning a few people alive for being insensitive. I'll bet there are a few in our town who hide when they see me!

[anotherbpimom...]

Oh, Mica, I love your answer. With your permission, I'm going to TRY to use that. Thank You! -And all the other comments and support is greatly appreciated too! ... I'm so grateful for this special place to come to for anything from concerns to triumphs.

[Mica]

Go for it! But really - you might want to practice it in front of the mirror. I even practiced it in front of my husband!!! When someone says something that hurts my child, this horrible monster comes out and I become the scariest person in the world! Practicing it gave me more control.