I'm pretty sure no matter what I have or what I achieve in my life, I can never be fulfilled because of my obpi birth injury. I feel so empty and hollow from all of the things I could never do (certain sports, musical instruments, tying shoes, etc.) and from the way my arm looks -- how it is very small and awkward.
The bright side is that I achieve so much because I constantly berate myself. I don't want to have a relationship, or real lover who has to see me this way, because I feel that I am inferior in some way. I just cannot believe this small, happenstance of an injury has demolished my psychology. I am not the person I was supposed to be.
It's not even that I am negative -- I always push to do so much for charities, and am "thankful" for my health and my family. But deep down, inside, I am so emotionally traumatized and scarred by this injury that I cannot truly exist as a normal, healthy functioning person. I feel very alone and completely hideous from the shoulder to the waist. Perhaps this post sounds a bit too sullen, but it's just how I really feel, and I've never been able to tell that to anybody. Thanks.
Depression.
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Carolyn J
- Posts: 3424
- Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2004 1:22 pm
- Injury Description, Date, extent, surgical intervention etc: LOBPI. I am 77 yrs old and never had a name for my injuries until 2004 when I found UBPN at age 66.
My injuries are: LOBPI on upper body and Cerebrael Palsy on the lower left extremities. The only intervention I've had is a tendon transplant from my left leg to my left foot to enable flexing t age 24 in 1962. Before that, my foot would freeze without notice on the side when wearing heels AND I always did wear them at work "to fit in" I also stuttered until around age 18-19...just outgrew it...no therapy for it. Also suffered from very very low self esteem; severe Depression and Anxiety attacks started at menopause. I stuffed emotions and over-compensated in every thing I did to "fit in" and be "invisible". My injuries were Never addressed or talked about until age 66. I am a late bloomer!!!!!
I welcome any and all questions about "My Journey".
There is NO SUCH THING AS A DUMB QUESTION.
Sharing helps to Heal. HUGS do too. - Location: Tacoma WA
- Contact:
Re: Depression.
Dear Guest4,
Yes, this IS the place to vent and share raw emotions that we adults have lived with our whole lives.
The good part is to tell you that you DO NOT have to live traumatized as I once was. I was told that it is a PTS Syndrome with all of my "flashbacks" of hurt popping up unexpectedly. I stuffed feelings and hurts and IGNORED all related pain even my injuries because I tried to fit in everywhere or became "invisable" as possible until I was able to go to college with the help of DVR,Division/Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation.(Then I worked at 200% & Over-used my "good" limbs. Everyone with a disability is eligible for DVR/BVR but funds are dispersed diferently in each state.No age limit..
Anyway, late in life all of that bubbled up from deep down and only with counselling did I alliviate my trauma, worked my way out of depression with medication along with therapy. The new medications Depression are sooo precise for each person. Please get help; you do not have to suffer and be alone but it is all up to you to reach out and ask for help. There are counseling centers and United Way family agencies that have sliding low cost affordable fees and most Health care Ins. cover 12-15 sessions a year.
Please get help and let us know how you are doing.
Carolyn J
LOBPI/70
Yes, this IS the place to vent and share raw emotions that we adults have lived with our whole lives.
The good part is to tell you that you DO NOT have to live traumatized as I once was. I was told that it is a PTS Syndrome with all of my "flashbacks" of hurt popping up unexpectedly. I stuffed feelings and hurts and IGNORED all related pain even my injuries because I tried to fit in everywhere or became "invisable" as possible until I was able to go to college with the help of DVR,Division/Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation.(Then I worked at 200% & Over-used my "good" limbs. Everyone with a disability is eligible for DVR/BVR but funds are dispersed diferently in each state.No age limit..
Anyway, late in life all of that bubbled up from deep down and only with counselling did I alliviate my trauma, worked my way out of depression with medication along with therapy. The new medications Depression are sooo precise for each person. Please get help; you do not have to suffer and be alone but it is all up to you to reach out and ask for help. There are counseling centers and United Way family agencies that have sliding low cost affordable fees and most Health care Ins. cover 12-15 sessions a year.
Please get help and let us know how you are doing.
Carolyn J
LOBPI/70
Carolyn J
Adult LOBPI
Adult LOBPI
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kristoffer
Re: Depression.
honestly im feeling also the same way as you guest4.i know life is really difficult and even sometimes you almost give up. i know its easy to tell life is a gift and stuff like that. i have problems too concerning with what we have. and surprisingly, we also have the same problem. feeling empty and worrying about finding someone to love and that will accept us. i posted actually a similar situation about finding someone to love and many replied to it. i cannot give you really advice to solve your problem or our problem but just telling this to other people and joining an online group like this is really helpful becuase based on my experience, its really the first time i felt i belong and that someone really is concerned because they replied with my posts.
i think the best thing you can do is smile everydaY and read other posts here or even oftenly post what you think. (:. this have helped me so i hope it will help you too.( geez i just remeber when i posted my concern here and asking help and now im already the one acknowledging someone's concern. and its really a great feeling be able to advice other. yey (: ).
we are all here to talk to you. dont feel shy showing your concern becuase one thing i learned here is that eveybody genuinely cares about you. so smile. (:
i think the best thing you can do is smile everydaY and read other posts here or even oftenly post what you think. (:. this have helped me so i hope it will help you too.( geez i just remeber when i posted my concern here and asking help and now im already the one acknowledging someone's concern. and its really a great feeling be able to advice other. yey (: ).
we are all here to talk to you. dont feel shy showing your concern becuase one thing i learned here is that eveybody genuinely cares about you. so smile. (:
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Kath
- Posts: 3242
- Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2002 4:11 pm
- Injury Description, Date, extent, surgical intervention etc: I am ROBPI, global injury, Horner's Syndrome. No surgery but PT started at 2 weeks old under the direction of New York Hospital. I wore a brace 24/7 for the first 11 months of my life. I've never let my injury be used as an excuse not to do something. I've approach all things, in life, as a challenge. I approach anything new wondering if I can do it. I tried so many things I might never have tried, if I were not obpi. Being OBPI has made me strong, creative, more determined and persistent. I believe that being obpi has given me a very strong sense of humor and compassion for others.
- Location: New York
Re: Depression.
When we help others...we help ourselves!
When we are able to give support and we receive support it's a good feeling. We belong to a big club, unfortunately, and we have the ability to help each other. Those of us who are older can remember feeling like you.
The longer you are here and the more you learn about your own injury, the more you realize that our arms do not define us. The more knowledge you have about your injury the more outspoken you will become in order to educate others and help with prevention.
Welcome
Kath robpi/adult
When we are able to give support and we receive support it's a good feeling. We belong to a big club, unfortunately, and we have the ability to help each other. Those of us who are older can remember feeling like you.
The longer you are here and the more you learn about your own injury, the more you realize that our arms do not define us. The more knowledge you have about your injury the more outspoken you will become in order to educate others and help with prevention.
Welcome
Kath robpi/adult
Kath robpi/adult
Kathleen Mallozzi
Kathleen Mallozzi
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drunkinemu
Re: Depression.
Guest4,
I myself can't go places in life with my BPI. Can't play sports, can't be a model/actor/or on TV as my dream was to have a cooking show on the food network, can't lift anything heavy, I play guitar, not bad at all, but my affected arm fatigues fast and it doesn't have the speed that other guitarists have. I am way to into my physical appearance, Im a dude and I hate taking off my shirt for the fear people will notice that one side is much bigger than the other. I hate when people are on my right side as I think people will notice, I even try facing my girlfriend of 4 years with my non affected side. In high school I wore jackets everyday, including summers to help people not notice. I know I probably sound like I'm playing the harp but, Trust me, your not alone. I wish I wasn't the 1-2 out of the 1000, but because I am, it sucks.
I myself can't go places in life with my BPI. Can't play sports, can't be a model/actor/or on TV as my dream was to have a cooking show on the food network, can't lift anything heavy, I play guitar, not bad at all, but my affected arm fatigues fast and it doesn't have the speed that other guitarists have. I am way to into my physical appearance, Im a dude and I hate taking off my shirt for the fear people will notice that one side is much bigger than the other. I hate when people are on my right side as I think people will notice, I even try facing my girlfriend of 4 years with my non affected side. In high school I wore jackets everyday, including summers to help people not notice. I know I probably sound like I'm playing the harp but, Trust me, your not alone. I wish I wasn't the 1-2 out of the 1000, but because I am, it sucks.
Re: Depression.
Hi Guest 4,
I have only recently joined this board and have derived benefit and stimulus from members' contributions. For most of my life I have hidden my arm and tried to make it appear as 'natural' as possible. I have tried to make my arm 'fit in' and this has meant holding it stiffly by my side and not using it very much. My arm cannot cope with carrying heavier objects, eg trying to lift pans with food in it just sags and always relies on the other arm for help. I avoid carrying drinks, plates, etc as my left elbow sticks out markedly and attracts attention. I have had people asking me what's wrong with it in supermarkets when I'm packing my shopping - and I have berated myself for drawing attention to it rather than wondering why they are being so rude. But over the past year or so I have begun to wonder who I am benefitting here. I'm not using my LOBPI arm, so it's not getting any exercise. I'm overusing my functioning arm, so that is doing more than its fair share. All because of how I think other people do and might feel about it. This is something I'm trying to work on as I want to be more confident about who I am.
Like you, I have felt that I am not the person I was destined to be. I always wanted to be a hairdresser or a window dresser, but I would have needed two functioning arms for this. I too could not participate in many sports, and I did not feel comfortable in dealing with a ball coming towards me. But there are other sports which I could possibly try and feel that I am participating.
Just lately I am beginning to acknowledge that I have a disability. This is very difficult for me to admit and I do feel down about it and wonder how much it has affected me and the direction that my life has taken. It would be interesting to look into that parallel universe where I didn't have my OBPI, where I could use both arms, do my hair, etc. But maybe I wouldn't have the drive and determination to do things that I have. Maybe I wouldn't be as sensitive to the psychological and physical difficulties other people endure and maybe I wouldn't have drawn on those other aspects of my 'self' which have helped me get through things.
Until I came across these boards I had never come into contact with other people who had similar experiences and feelings as me. I just wish I had access to such a network when I was younger, when this was all so painful for me. It's at that time that the perceptions of others seem so important. I loved to dance when I was younger but my LOBPI was so noticeable and I became more and more self-conscious. I'm not that person I might have been without my impairment, but thinking about things I feel that I probably have attributes which I wouldn't have had without it.
I have only recently joined this board and have derived benefit and stimulus from members' contributions. For most of my life I have hidden my arm and tried to make it appear as 'natural' as possible. I have tried to make my arm 'fit in' and this has meant holding it stiffly by my side and not using it very much. My arm cannot cope with carrying heavier objects, eg trying to lift pans with food in it just sags and always relies on the other arm for help. I avoid carrying drinks, plates, etc as my left elbow sticks out markedly and attracts attention. I have had people asking me what's wrong with it in supermarkets when I'm packing my shopping - and I have berated myself for drawing attention to it rather than wondering why they are being so rude. But over the past year or so I have begun to wonder who I am benefitting here. I'm not using my LOBPI arm, so it's not getting any exercise. I'm overusing my functioning arm, so that is doing more than its fair share. All because of how I think other people do and might feel about it. This is something I'm trying to work on as I want to be more confident about who I am.
Like you, I have felt that I am not the person I was destined to be. I always wanted to be a hairdresser or a window dresser, but I would have needed two functioning arms for this. I too could not participate in many sports, and I did not feel comfortable in dealing with a ball coming towards me. But there are other sports which I could possibly try and feel that I am participating.
Just lately I am beginning to acknowledge that I have a disability. This is very difficult for me to admit and I do feel down about it and wonder how much it has affected me and the direction that my life has taken. It would be interesting to look into that parallel universe where I didn't have my OBPI, where I could use both arms, do my hair, etc. But maybe I wouldn't have the drive and determination to do things that I have. Maybe I wouldn't be as sensitive to the psychological and physical difficulties other people endure and maybe I wouldn't have drawn on those other aspects of my 'self' which have helped me get through things.
Until I came across these boards I had never come into contact with other people who had similar experiences and feelings as me. I just wish I had access to such a network when I was younger, when this was all so painful for me. It's at that time that the perceptions of others seem so important. I loved to dance when I was younger but my LOBPI was so noticeable and I became more and more self-conscious. I'm not that person I might have been without my impairment, but thinking about things I feel that I probably have attributes which I wouldn't have had without it.
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Loff
Re: Depression.
I feel the same way as you all and its ruining my life. I just pray that one day I can be saved by stem cell research. If there is a God I hope he helps me.