time to open up

[frankie]

Hello Everyone,

It has been almost a week now since i first found this sight and I feel I can really start sharing more of personal experiences with everyone. What you are about to read may be a little disturbing and if you have anything to tell me please reply or send me an E-mail.

I recently recieved my first issue of OUTREACH and I was thumbing through it on the way to the Gym and I saw a reference in there about children who self-mutilate that has a BPI. I tried to find an article in the OUTREACH about but was unsuccesful. Maybe i need to try and find the book. OKAY, well here goes.
Often in my teen years the only way I could get accepted was by showing everyone how I could plunge a sharp object into my arm without it hurting(Upper outside of my arm is completely numb I have no feeling what so ever)Anything that was sharp I would do it. Needles, pins, razor blades, glass, you name it. I am embaressed to be telling you all this but maybe it will help you in some way.But I am not Quite finished.

Four years ago I try to take my own life my trying to cut my arm off with a steak knife.200 stiches and lots of blood later I was sent to the hospital for a few weeks for serios major depression. When I think back upon this event on that cold Janurary morning I feel that If I could get rid of this problem (my arm) that would just be one less thing in the whole bag of "crap"
that I would have to deal with. To this day i rememeber feeling better when I cut my arm I remember seeing the blood and thinking to my self "this will solve everything, I feel so much better now" when I told the pshycologist this he said it was due to in my mind with letting the pain go free, the pain of past was somehow reperesented in the flowing blood. But, now I tend to disagree why, Let me tell you. I feel that I was getting back at my arm for all the hell it put me through I was "discplining" it, For being "bad" my childhood sucked i hated it, I would never go back but I have learned that it was not my arms Fault it was many other things that I just needed to resolve. I truly at that moment wanted to get rid of the problem and just make everything go away.

I am so much better know, with help from loving wife, aunt and uncle, and sister I feel more at peace now, And I feel more at peace now with my arm. Would I like to get it fixed Yes very much so but until then I will live with it. and try to accept it just the way it is. If I did not have erbs I would have never gotton to have met you all LOL. I still deal with depression everyday, And I still have my bad days but I will survive now I will conquer my fears and I will conquer my inabilities. Thanks you everyone for listiening it helps to vent this way.

Take care, and keep peace in your heart.
Love
Frankie

[Kathleen M]

Frankie

glad you found a place to vent... Now you will begin to heal... You will find that your arm has made you a stronger and better person and one who is creative and determined and compassionate... and the more you understand perhaps the more you will be able to accept it... You are always more then an arm...

I am sorry you had to go through so much but remember you have tons of friends here and lots of support all you have to do is post...
Take care and have a joyful day...
Kath

[admin]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am happy that you are doing much better and have the support and love of your family.

Also, thanks for the "heads up", as my injured child is going through some tough times in his life at this moment.

Peace be yours.

[Dawn]

Hi Frankie,

Thanks for sharing!!!! Just remember you are more then an arm, you're a human being. The arm just being a part of who you are. I'm glad that with 200 stiches and a lot of blood you're still with us. Keep going to school, become a teacher and make a difference in someones life, even if it's just one person. Just by sharing your story it makes a difference. When you become a teacher you'll have the opportunity to talk to your students about your birth injury and your life experiences, sometimes when people understand the differences in each and everyone of us they tend to be more accepting of those differences.

I once worked for a man in a wheelchair(crashed his car the night before he was to leave for Vietnam) the first time he interviewed me I was startled because I just wasn't expecting to meet with a man in a wheelchair. After he hired me and we became friends and I never noticed the wheelchair again. It was just a part of who he was.

As I watch my daughter grow-up I see her arm, but more importantly I see a beautiful little girl with all the determination in the world, it's just who she is.

God gives us obstacles, but it's up to us to hurdle over them, and it appears like your hurdling in the right direction, hang in there and you'll reach your destiny.

[Anna G]

I'm 17 and have lack of sensation which has caused me burns on my affected arm but when people in primary school heard of the lack of senstion they would ask if i could put sisscor and needles in to my arm, to see if it would hurt!!! My other thing is did you not feel the pain psycologically? because i know i have that feeling.

Take care
god bless
anna<

[Cara]

I am so sorry to hear all the pain you have been through. Thank you for sharing your experince. My biggest fear for my daughter is depression. We have many people in my family who have struggled with depression and I am so fearful that the frustration of how her arm functions will lead her down that road.

Being a teacher is a wonderful career. I teach and I love it. You have such an advantage going into teaching with what you have been through(I know that sounds funny, but I truly believe it) When I teach a student with a physical disablity I can have sympathy for them but not empathy. Empathy is a deep understanding based on a shared experince. I have not had that experince. I can have empathy in other situations. Empathy is very powerful because it gives you insight, you are not just feeling sorry for them, you have been there. I wish you all the luck in the world in following your career choice.

This is a great place to vent. Don't ever feel the need to apologize for it. We all need an out let. I appreciate being able to vent with other parents of BPI kids. Why? It goes back to the empathy. My family and friends can feel sorry for my duaghter or me, but can't really understand what we are going through. The people hear have been there. It might not be exactly the same, but the are going to have a deeper understanding and insight than anyone else I can tlak to.

[Tami]

Frankie,
I am so glad you found this website. Thank you for sharing your feelings and some of your past. It must have been a very difficult time for you. I see my 3 year old daughter and wonder what the future holds for her with her arm injury and then I have to take a step back and I see her as a whole person with her wonderful qualities and determination. If I only think of her arm, then that is all she will focus on and there is so much more to her.

I have my down days with her injury and trying to explain it to her when she is older I am sure will be difficult for me as her mom, but it is what is also inside that counts and from just the few emails you seem to be a wonderful person with a very supportive family.

Tami

[Tessie258]

Thanks Frankie,
I'm glad you are at the point where you can share this with us. It is so hard being a kid as it is....the added problems with the BPI I'm sure were not fun! My son also has had a few problems and thank God he's doing pretty good right now....but it is the major reason I home school him. He had gotten like a recent poster said, "No good at anything" He is totally good at LOTS of things but he's too young to realize it. I really believe that the public school system can kill our kid's self esteem.
I'm glad you found the board. You will help so many parents learn what it felt like growing up with this problem! The fact that you are learning to sign proves you are a kind and helpful person! Best of luck to you!
T.

[admin]

Hi, our heart is broke since we read this. I wish circumstances (you know what we mean) would have been different we could have been there for you. You know how much you mean to us. Our prayers are with you daily. I'm so glad you have a place to talk to other people that are going through many of the same thins you are....Love and Prayers

[francine]

Frankie - you've got a lot of guts to bare your soul here and I am so grateful that you did! I hope that you will consider journelizing all of this - it may help some kid with bpi and their family one day. I'm so glad you are still here to talk about it and that you are finding healing for yourself. Share more.

-francine