This can be a tough one..if you let it.
I think I'm lucky in a lot of ways, as my arm looks pretty 'normal' (whatever that means...)and people very rarely notice it...I was injured quite late in life, so my arm had done all it's growing, and hasn't wasted away too much; I also don't have a clawed hand. The arm is only noticable if I wear a sling, which is never these days, but sometimes, its quite useful to draw attention to it...you can use it to your advantage then...(London Eye, H??? hheeheee!!)
Don't get me wrong please, but I do think that sometimes, us Brits are pretty thick skinned; certainly a comment like that wouldn't have upset me personally at all, but for some reason, when I once overheard someone say "..don't worry about Liz, she's pretty 'armless..." (joke!)it sent me skywards, and my friends had to hold me down..I wanted to kill the b*****d!
To this day I don't know why I lost it big time, I guess something just snapped, and we all do have our breaking point. The person in question did apologise; he really had no idea he'd upset me so much...he'll be a little more careful in the future, and we soon made up, and never mentioned it again. He calls me the Crip now...!! ;0) which some people would find offensive or upsetting; I don't.
I think it's all about self-image, and how we think people see us; sometimes the two don't gel..someone says or does something to remind you of the injured arm, which you don't think about 24/7, and BANG! the emotions start running high...mostly you can draw on your self-confidence to carry you through, then occasionally, that confidence takes a knock.
Don't be too hard on your friend, or yourself. Life is good!! ~(:-D
How do you deal with insensitive comments?
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jennyb
- Posts: 1183
- Joined: Fri Nov 02, 2001 5:24 pm
- Injury Description, Date, extent, surgical intervention etc: January 1980 Yamaha RD200 vs 16 wheeler truck, result, 1 totally paralysed right arm. I was 21, now 54. I had no surgery, I don't regret this. Decided to totally ignore limitations (easily done aged 21) adapted very quickly to one handed life, got married, had 3 kids, worked- the effect of the injury on my life (once the pain stopped being constant) was minimal and now, aged 54, I very rarely even think of it, unless I bash it or it gets cold, then I wish I'd had it amputated :) Except for a steering knob on my car, I have no adaptations to help with life, mainly because I honestly don't think of myself as disabled and the only thing I can't do is peel potatoes, which is definitely a good thing.
Re: How do you deal with insensitive comments?
It's true what Liz says, like her I am a tbpi and have a completely non-functioning arm, though I have a claw hand and fairly obvious and severe muscle wastage. I don't remember ever being hurt by the casual comments of others, or even the looks of undisguised horror I get in the summer when I wear short sleeves and my arm is there for all to see, but sometimes something just unexpectedly gets to me. My kids were recently watching 'Toy Story 2' where Woody gets a flail arm. For some reason I found the images of this flopping useless limb really disturbing and watched with horror and fascination. It was just so exactly like a serious bpi arm, and although I have now met quite a few other people with injuries as bad as mine, including Liz, somehow this cartoon image which had been created for peoples amusement made me feel quite ill in a way that a real bpi arm does not. The culture of mickey taking prevalent in the uk I think does make it easier to deal with any form of 'differentness', I live in New Zealand now where my friends persistently worry about whether my arm is too hot, too cold, whether they have said 'the wrong thing' (someone asked me if I wanted to go to the second hand shop, then said 'Oh I'm sorry, how insensitive of me') and I am afraid I get very sick of this- I deal with my arm my own way and really don't want to have others clucking around me. But every now and then something suddenly wounds for some reason, I think it happens to us all sometimes. (the adult therapy sheet with the ball squeezing was something mentioned at our bpi gathering Liz, funny how that seemed to get to all us hardass flailys!) Your reaction is normal, but as Lizzy said, don't be hard on your friend and please don't be hard on yourself, it will almost certainly happen again but life really is good and if I really feel negative I just reflect on how those who have inadvertently caused me pain have to go through life with what is basically an ignorant attitude.....a much worse problem than a bpi! Take care and be happy :0)
Re: How do you deal with insensitive comments?
Hi and Welcome
I am also birth injured and thought it was Erb's Palsy
I now refer to it as OBPI...
As far as feeling hurt I truly understand. As a person who has Erb's all her life I developed a thick skin to rude comments but every once in a while it just gets all of us... Because of the position we hold our arms and the fact that it is shorter and thinner and the fact that it is "only and arm" some very rude people think that because we were born with this we are use to it...
If this person is a good friend I think I would explain that your feelings were hurt by the insensitive remark... If you were in a wheelchair no one would say anything...
Just recently I went to a party at someone's house and when I went to move my plate the rather loud lady who was also very sloppy and unkept... said to me" Why do you move your arm like that!!!" I told her I was birth injured. she then said " OH I have seen lots of deformed babies like you!!!" again I told her I am not deformed but birth injured... now the steam is coming out the top of my head and I want to tell her -- why don't you wash your face and comb your hair...but that would be rude?????" again I said "the doctor did this to me while he was delivering me" ... her reply was well whatever just want you to know I've seen lots of deformed babies like you........????
Now I could have exploded... decked her... or just stay calm and keep saying the same thing over and over...
I choose to stay calm but I no longer allow the rudeness to go un answered... I tell them this is a birth injury and this can happen to anyone in their family too...
Of course my older brother always tells me when anyone asks rude questions like that just to turn blank face them and say " Now why do you want to know" ... He think I should tell them nothing... but then again he is not bpi and is amazed that people are that rude!
Well enough ... Just want to let you know that you are not alone... ... Many of us on this board like you grew up with Erb's and insensitive comments... Long before we were mature enough to understand sometimes many of those comments contributed to poor body image and lowered our self-esteem... stay here and you will gain it back..
Take care nice to meet you
and whats your name?
Kath
I am also birth injured and thought it was Erb's Palsy
I now refer to it as OBPI...
As far as feeling hurt I truly understand. As a person who has Erb's all her life I developed a thick skin to rude comments but every once in a while it just gets all of us... Because of the position we hold our arms and the fact that it is shorter and thinner and the fact that it is "only and arm" some very rude people think that because we were born with this we are use to it...
If this person is a good friend I think I would explain that your feelings were hurt by the insensitive remark... If you were in a wheelchair no one would say anything...
Just recently I went to a party at someone's house and when I went to move my plate the rather loud lady who was also very sloppy and unkept... said to me" Why do you move your arm like that!!!" I told her I was birth injured. she then said " OH I have seen lots of deformed babies like you!!!" again I told her I am not deformed but birth injured... now the steam is coming out the top of my head and I want to tell her -- why don't you wash your face and comb your hair...but that would be rude?????" again I said "the doctor did this to me while he was delivering me" ... her reply was well whatever just want you to know I've seen lots of deformed babies like you........????
Now I could have exploded... decked her... or just stay calm and keep saying the same thing over and over...
I choose to stay calm but I no longer allow the rudeness to go un answered... I tell them this is a birth injury and this can happen to anyone in their family too...
Of course my older brother always tells me when anyone asks rude questions like that just to turn blank face them and say " Now why do you want to know" ... He think I should tell them nothing... but then again he is not bpi and is amazed that people are that rude!
Well enough ... Just want to let you know that you are not alone... ... Many of us on this board like you grew up with Erb's and insensitive comments... Long before we were mature enough to understand sometimes many of those comments contributed to poor body image and lowered our self-esteem... stay here and you will gain it back..
Take care nice to meet you
and whats your name?
Kath
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jennyb
- Posts: 1183
- Joined: Fri Nov 02, 2001 5:24 pm
- Injury Description, Date, extent, surgical intervention etc: January 1980 Yamaha RD200 vs 16 wheeler truck, result, 1 totally paralysed right arm. I was 21, now 54. I had no surgery, I don't regret this. Decided to totally ignore limitations (easily done aged 21) adapted very quickly to one handed life, got married, had 3 kids, worked- the effect of the injury on my life (once the pain stopped being constant) was minimal and now, aged 54, I very rarely even think of it, unless I bash it or it gets cold, then I wish I'd had it amputated :) Except for a steering knob on my car, I have no adaptations to help with life, mainly because I honestly don't think of myself as disabled and the only thing I can't do is peel potatoes, which is definitely a good thing.
kath-wheelchairs
people do something far worse to people in wheelchairs-they ignore them completely! i support a lady here who at the age of 54 fell awkwardly and hit her neck on a table-it severed her spine and she's paralysed from the chest down. from being a normal active member of the community she's reduced to a person who ordinary people seem too embarrassed to even look at. true, she doesn't endure crap like you took from that ignoramus at the party, (deformed! i'd have belted her one!) but she sometimes has to shout to make people even meet her eyes-the public seem uncomfortable that she even exists and therefore try to deal with it by pretending she isn't there at all! she's a feisty lady, that's how i met her, she was yelling at a man to get out of her way in the supermarket! five yrs ago my dad badly broke his leg and had to have a wheelchair for a while, he was outraged that in shops the assistant handed the change to my mum even if it was him who proffered the money in the first place-mum just said 'Well now you know what it felt like to be a woman in the 50's!' lol The problems we have are nothing compared to that, but i take your point, and the stupidity of joe public really is down to ignorance and their own pre conceived ideas about human differences. These are the people with problems, not us. The funny thing is, small children who don't have hangups about disability, they don't even know words like 'disabled' 'deformed' etc are always up front and open and it's not at all embarrassing, 'What's wrong with your arm? Can I touch it? Can you feel that?' they find it fascinating, not horrible. i think it's what the adults would like to say if only they had the guts, and it's how i treat other disabled people if i meet them. initially they are shocked by my openness but they ALWAYS say how refreshing it is not to have to deal with my reaction, because i don't have a reaction. i am just curious which is completely normal....and what about those awful peeps who have obviously noticed the arm but are just as obviously trying not to say anything....oooh don't mention the arm.....they are THE WORST!!!
Re: How do you deal with insensitive comments?
To be perfectly honest, it all depends on my mood. Sometimes things don't bother me in the least. Other times, it affects me greatly. As I've gotten older, I've learned to use comments, however poor or well intentioned, as an opportunity to raise awareness.
The worst for me and you can tell it was bad because it has stuck with me for over 30 years, was a remark made to me as a teenager, when a friend (yes a friend) while joking with me said, Nancy prays like this: And he raised his left arm bent at the elbow "Lord make my arm like the other one" and then he raised the other arm so it was also bent. I laughed, but it hurt, and I still feel that pain today.
so sometimes I'm tough and other times I just want to run and cry.
Nancy
The worst for me and you can tell it was bad because it has stuck with me for over 30 years, was a remark made to me as a teenager, when a friend (yes a friend) while joking with me said, Nancy prays like this: And he raised his left arm bent at the elbow "Lord make my arm like the other one" and then he raised the other arm so it was also bent. I laughed, but it hurt, and I still feel that pain today.
so sometimes I'm tough and other times I just want to run and cry.
Nancy
Re: How do you deal with insensitive comments?
I cannot believe I found this website. It helps me so much to know I am normal in the feelings I have. I was out last week when someone stopped me and said, "ooo what happened to your hand". I just simply said, "It's a nerve injury". Sometimes I feel up to educating them and sometimes I am so sick of having to explain myself. The other day in PT, my OT said to a fellow worker, "Kathy would trade hands with you." The PT said, "Oh, I can't do that I need my hands. I couldn't do my job without my hands." Just like I chose to be this way. I try my best to do everything myself, but sometimes I need help (and I ask for it), but it seems it is other people who keep reminding me that I am different.
Anyway, thanks for letting me talk.
Kathy
Anyway, thanks for letting me talk.
Kathy
Re: How do you deal with insensitive comments?
Jenny - When I used wheelchair… I was referring to the fact that they are not questioned about how they got there and why they were still there….
Not the other issues they face on a daily basis and having had friends in chairs I know what they face…
Most OBPI would rather that they be ignored that way too!
--Don't ask… don't ask in a crowd and don't bring attention to me or my arm… Just leave it alone. But many people think because it is only an arm it is ok to make comments and ask questions that quite frankly are none of their business, especially strangers.
As a child, waiting for the school bus, adults would ask in front of the kids "little girl what's wrong with your arm". I had teachers tell me to keep my elbows to my self and hold it down, they force me to write right handed and ignored as child play the teasing and comments of other children... with nice words like "shame on them" sticks and stones.. etc..
it is the frame of reference we come from it is a life time of nosy, comments long before our body image and self-confidence is formed and we are mature enough to cope.
Someone was always willing to let us know that we are not normal.
As we mature we begin to get thick skinned and not answer so as not to call more attention to our arms. That does not make it right but that is the way to cope. As we mature we do resent the comments by most two handed friends and family members, who in an effort to smooth things over often advise us on how to handle rude comments they never had to confront. While their intentions are good their advice is not they tell us how to handle situations they never faced and they use statments like the following to back up the advice... "they are the ignorant one's, or I am sure they did not mean it the way you took it or just ignore them they are not worth you aggravation" It is easy for them to say because they never had to be bombarded on a daily basis with rude comments. They were never frustrated beyond their ability to cope as children. By the time you reach your teens you are sick of it !!! And in your twenties you just want them to shut up!!! OBPI carry this baggage with them. Until they mature and find ways of coping but everyone once in a while it rears its ugly head the rude comments blind side us and some jerk just spouts off their rude and nosy and smart mouth comments with out regard to the feeling of those they are talking to... for me after 60 years of being nice and thick-skinned I just want to pop them! I don't but it is a lifetime of coping with people who should not comment ==== that is why I said wheel chair…. I want them to ignore my arm. I don't ask for help or sympathy nor do I want any. I just want to be treated with the same dignity that I treat others.
I see the difference on where you are coming from, you were injured and you needed to talk about it and if someone stared etc. it could be annoying but your self confidence and body image were in place in a mature body by the time you had your accident. People knew why you were injured and you knew what was wrong too!
Obpi children and teens are just not sure to handle this constant barrage of nosy rude questions and comments. So we are polite to rude people and accept this as part of our lives. Because those who taught us did not really know how to cope because they never walked in our shoes. Or should I say wore our Jackets. LOL...
Just when I think I am past the point of this annoying me some jerk says something... and I am still shocked that someone would be that rude as to call attention to something they view as deformed...
Nancy that one got me!!! but she never knew it!!!
Kathy we all have had the thing happen for years and years and I guess we always will... I hate anyone calling attention to my arm and asking questions in large crowds... it still annoys me..
Kath
Not the other issues they face on a daily basis and having had friends in chairs I know what they face…
Most OBPI would rather that they be ignored that way too!
--Don't ask… don't ask in a crowd and don't bring attention to me or my arm… Just leave it alone. But many people think because it is only an arm it is ok to make comments and ask questions that quite frankly are none of their business, especially strangers.
As a child, waiting for the school bus, adults would ask in front of the kids "little girl what's wrong with your arm". I had teachers tell me to keep my elbows to my self and hold it down, they force me to write right handed and ignored as child play the teasing and comments of other children... with nice words like "shame on them" sticks and stones.. etc..
it is the frame of reference we come from it is a life time of nosy, comments long before our body image and self-confidence is formed and we are mature enough to cope.
Someone was always willing to let us know that we are not normal.
As we mature we begin to get thick skinned and not answer so as not to call more attention to our arms. That does not make it right but that is the way to cope. As we mature we do resent the comments by most two handed friends and family members, who in an effort to smooth things over often advise us on how to handle rude comments they never had to confront. While their intentions are good their advice is not they tell us how to handle situations they never faced and they use statments like the following to back up the advice... "they are the ignorant one's, or I am sure they did not mean it the way you took it or just ignore them they are not worth you aggravation" It is easy for them to say because they never had to be bombarded on a daily basis with rude comments. They were never frustrated beyond their ability to cope as children. By the time you reach your teens you are sick of it !!! And in your twenties you just want them to shut up!!! OBPI carry this baggage with them. Until they mature and find ways of coping but everyone once in a while it rears its ugly head the rude comments blind side us and some jerk just spouts off their rude and nosy and smart mouth comments with out regard to the feeling of those they are talking to... for me after 60 years of being nice and thick-skinned I just want to pop them! I don't but it is a lifetime of coping with people who should not comment ==== that is why I said wheel chair…. I want them to ignore my arm. I don't ask for help or sympathy nor do I want any. I just want to be treated with the same dignity that I treat others.
I see the difference on where you are coming from, you were injured and you needed to talk about it and if someone stared etc. it could be annoying but your self confidence and body image were in place in a mature body by the time you had your accident. People knew why you were injured and you knew what was wrong too!
Obpi children and teens are just not sure to handle this constant barrage of nosy rude questions and comments. So we are polite to rude people and accept this as part of our lives. Because those who taught us did not really know how to cope because they never walked in our shoes. Or should I say wore our Jackets. LOL...
Just when I think I am past the point of this annoying me some jerk says something... and I am still shocked that someone would be that rude as to call attention to something they view as deformed...
Nancy that one got me!!! but she never knew it!!!
Kathy we all have had the thing happen for years and years and I guess we always will... I hate anyone calling attention to my arm and asking questions in large crowds... it still annoys me..
Kath
To Kathy - Welcome
Kathy
I just realized you are new to the board.. Sorry for no welcome...
It is nice to be able to talk about it with those who understand what your feeling.
I thought at first you were the original poster here on this line...
Looks like we have the same name... Family call me only Kathleen... some friends Kathy and other Kath...
Welcome again
I just realized you are new to the board.. Sorry for no welcome...
It is nice to be able to talk about it with those who understand what your feeling.
I thought at first you were the original poster here on this line...
Looks like we have the same name... Family call me only Kathleen... some friends Kathy and other Kath...
Welcome again
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Re: How do you deal with insensitive comments?
Hi. I am a 51 years old and OBPI (Erb's). I just received an e-mail from Kathleen about your post..hope it's not too late to add my two cents...everyone has done such a wonderful job with there replys.
I know that I can commiserate with everone else here about insensitive comments. Some didn't bother me too much ("What happened to your arm? Did you break it?" )from clerks, patrons where I work, etc. to the most insensitive, "Can I call you Lefty? Ha Ha!" from my best friend's boyfriend when we were 20 (and I was boyfriendless and already feeling insecure). My sister was very hurt recently when she met a township policeman who had gone all through school with me, elementary to graduation from high school, and when she asked if he remembered Stephanie, he said, "Oh yeah! The girl with the bad arm!"...like it was a joyous thing. She just said, " Oh, is that how you remember her?" and walked away. He became a little embarrassed and she says she was very devastated because all she could think at the moment was, "God..is that the only way he remembers her after all those years?" (and my sister, I can tell you, is one tough cookie). I was the one who had to console HER! I told her that, yes, it was an insensitive thing to say and that I wasn't happy about it, but it wasn't as bad as she thought. I was never friends with this person, he was always in the same "grade" as I in school, so that's all he ever knew about me...that I had an injured arm. I think the worst thing that ever was said and done in relation to my arm was by a teacher in 1963, who gave me a "D" for the apron that I couldn't sew together in home economics class, and made me lose my place on the honor role. She said, "Well, I'm sorry that you have a bad arm, but this is the best grade I can give you." Let me just say now that I pray the b*$#& burns in hell for all eternity! Let's see...that makes 38 years that I've been carrying that comment around with me...quite a heavy load.
Yeah...I've laughed them off and stood tall and "pretended" that they didn't bother me from time to time...but they do....and I wouldn't dream of saying something like that to another person and neither would the rest of us...you know why? Because living with a handicap every day of our lives has made us more compassionate and sensitive to the feelings of others...we KNOW what it's like to walk a mile in that other person's shoes.
Take Care and stand tall...some people in this world just don't have a clue...never did...never will...
_Stephanie
I know that I can commiserate with everone else here about insensitive comments. Some didn't bother me too much ("What happened to your arm? Did you break it?" )from clerks, patrons where I work, etc. to the most insensitive, "Can I call you Lefty? Ha Ha!" from my best friend's boyfriend when we were 20 (and I was boyfriendless and already feeling insecure). My sister was very hurt recently when she met a township policeman who had gone all through school with me, elementary to graduation from high school, and when she asked if he remembered Stephanie, he said, "Oh yeah! The girl with the bad arm!"...like it was a joyous thing. She just said, " Oh, is that how you remember her?" and walked away. He became a little embarrassed and she says she was very devastated because all she could think at the moment was, "God..is that the only way he remembers her after all those years?" (and my sister, I can tell you, is one tough cookie). I was the one who had to console HER! I told her that, yes, it was an insensitive thing to say and that I wasn't happy about it, but it wasn't as bad as she thought. I was never friends with this person, he was always in the same "grade" as I in school, so that's all he ever knew about me...that I had an injured arm. I think the worst thing that ever was said and done in relation to my arm was by a teacher in 1963, who gave me a "D" for the apron that I couldn't sew together in home economics class, and made me lose my place on the honor role. She said, "Well, I'm sorry that you have a bad arm, but this is the best grade I can give you." Let me just say now that I pray the b*$#& burns in hell for all eternity! Let's see...that makes 38 years that I've been carrying that comment around with me...quite a heavy load.
Yeah...I've laughed them off and stood tall and "pretended" that they didn't bother me from time to time...but they do....and I wouldn't dream of saying something like that to another person and neither would the rest of us...you know why? Because living with a handicap every day of our lives has made us more compassionate and sensitive to the feelings of others...we KNOW what it's like to walk a mile in that other person's shoes.
Take Care and stand tall...some people in this world just don't have a clue...never did...never will...
_Stephanie
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Re: How do you deal with insensitive comments?
Tia
I am 46 and had both arms injured at birth, which makes me BiLateral OBPI. Since my arms look "normal" ......dam I hate that word in this context, I don't normally get many initial comments. It's only after people see how I do things that the questions start. I know at times people can be rude and crude and you just want to clobber them. For myself I never get very upset tho. I always feel that there are so many more people out there who are so much worse off then myself, that I just don't get angry with ignorant people. Just sad for them that they are truely clueless. Or maybe I am in denial?? Don't get me wrong, I still carry deep hurt from things said when I was younger. Those things will never ever go away. Just remember you cannot control that which is NOT in your control, and peoples comments fall in that category. I believe that all of us who have had to live with this our whole lives have found ways to deal-cope-exist that works best for each of us as individuals. Be strong and confident in the knowledge that you have made a life for yourself. When others might have not.
And if all else fails..........have a drink and go out and howl at the moon
Welcome to a place in your life where people TRUELY UNDERSTAND !!
Peace to you,
Tina
I am 46 and had both arms injured at birth, which makes me BiLateral OBPI. Since my arms look "normal" ......dam I hate that word in this context, I don't normally get many initial comments. It's only after people see how I do things that the questions start. I know at times people can be rude and crude and you just want to clobber them. For myself I never get very upset tho. I always feel that there are so many more people out there who are so much worse off then myself, that I just don't get angry with ignorant people. Just sad for them that they are truely clueless. Or maybe I am in denial?? Don't get me wrong, I still carry deep hurt from things said when I was younger. Those things will never ever go away. Just remember you cannot control that which is NOT in your control, and peoples comments fall in that category. I believe that all of us who have had to live with this our whole lives have found ways to deal-cope-exist that works best for each of us as individuals. Be strong and confident in the knowledge that you have made a life for yourself. When others might have not.
And if all else fails..........have a drink and go out and howl at the moon
Welcome to a place in your life where people TRUELY UNDERSTAND !! Peace to you,
Tina