Anger Survey (about bpi)

[pamela 2]

I am angry that my OB laughed when I expressed concern about how big my baby was getting before delivery. He said that she'd be well over 8 pounds but that I shouldn't worry.
I'm angry with myself that I took his word for it and did't get another opinion.
I am very angry about our birth experience. It felt more like an assault than a birth. It was so violent.
I've dealt with flashbacks since, especially on Juliette's 1st birthday.
I'm angry that beyond admitting they may have broke my baby's clavicle no one ever mentioned BPI.
I'm angry that my baby was admitted to the NICU for nearly two weeks for a "failure to thrive" and subjected to invasive and painful medical interventions because of a Dr.'s mistake.
I am angry that the forced seperation made breastfeeding very difficult and I thought that at least that would give juliette some comfort.
I'm angry that the injuries I sustained during the delivery took so long to heal, physically and mentally.
I'm angry that Juliette was in so much pain when we brought her home and the medical establishment insisted that it had nothing to do with her "bruised" shoulder.
I'm angry that I had to get a lawyer to requisition our medical files (at a hefty cost) and the records seem incomplete to me. I'm angry that I'm still in touch with the lawyer although he says the injury hasn't proven severe enought warrant a case. We live in Ontario, Canada. Most people never win malpractice cases in this country.
I'm angry that we have to see our specialist every three months, four hour round trip. And the visits keep getting more complicated. I had held out in my heart that one day they would tell me that she was healed completely and we could stop thinking about BPI,erb's and the possibility of surgery and degrees of disability.
I'm angry because every time my daughter doesn't use her right hand, arm, shoulder I wonder if it's because of the injury.
I'm angry because whenever she is cranky or uncomfortable I wonder if she's in pain.
I am happy though to have such a fiesty little girl.
I am also happy to have access to this site, knowing that there are many other families sharing similar experiences to ours makes me feel less alone. I'm sad though that this injury has to happen at all to any baby.

[admin]

Wow! I think Mandie is on to something. We are all so angry about the lack of caring by the OB and hosp. staff. We are so angry about how these people lied and tried to keep us in the dark about the injury. Mandie experience was different. She was treated with respect. Her doctor accepted responsibility and followed up with her. She was provided with information and help for her injuried baby. Imagine how much anger (rage, guilt, heartbreak) could have been prevented if we had been treated with this same respect. IM ANGRY THAT IN ALL THESE POSTS THERE WAS ONLY ONE DOCTOR WITH A CLUE AS TO HOW TO TREAT A PATIENT AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS. I would have to add a ditto to all of the other anger posts.

[marymom]

I get upset when I see this much anger...not mad but like my heart beats faster,and I pray that parents can go on from this wonderful steppingstone that helps them to recognize their anger to the next stone and the next stone so that they can get past it.
I was angry at my midwife when I saw the injury was her fault,
I have come to a place where I just dont see it as a fault thing anymore, ( a complicated chain of events that required real work on my part)but an opportunity to grow..
I can say this, the relief thaT acceptance brings is very real...for me anyways...and very good in my life, I am greatful for the acceptance and joys,
blessings to all of you, mary

[Bridget]

I think it is great that Brittney has such a positive attitude about her injury. I think my son feels much the same way, he doesn't give it much thought unless he is at therapy or wearing his splint, and then it is just part of life. It is all he has ever known.

For those of us adults (and sometimes older siblings), who were present at the moment of the baby's injury, we experience things a little differently, I think...our outlook is colored so much by the trauma and its outcome, the reasons that led to it, causation, and all the rest...for us, anger is a normal part of a trauma, grief/loss and recovery process.

I'm glad my son doesn't remember his birth, and is content with his life to date. I wouldn't have it any other way. And my goal (I'm sure many of us feel this way) is to work through my anger in a positive way, channeling that energy into something that can make a difference for others. And over time I am sure that my anger will work itself out as it should, and I will have learned a great deal from the experience.

Bridget

[RoseAnne&Roberto]

I am angry that.....
My son has injured!
I wasn't told the risks of having a large baby!
I was misled and lied to about how serious his
injury was!
That we have been to therapy and specialists
since he was 2 1/2months & he is now 2 1/2yrs old.
There aren't doctors in my area that understand
this injury!
That he's siblings lose some of their
time because,he needs more attention & help
doing certain things because, his right hand &
arm are weaker!
He will not be able to be service if he decided!
He will not be able to get certain gov't jobs
because, of hos injury!
Because, people have no idea what we go through
with our children!
He will have to struggle the rest of his life!
There is so much more to this......
I can just take it day by day! RoseAnne

[Kathleen]

All I can say is right on Brittney!

I think the level of anger among parents is much different then for those of us who have always been OBPI. We don't know any other way to be.

What a great post... Her mom has really accomplished much by instilling in her she is more then an arm...and such a great view of who she is!

But I also understand the anger of the parents. I am a parent and grandparent and I was faced with the high risk of having and obpi child/ grandchild... and I really can't say what level my anger would have reached had this happened to one of my children or grandchildren... I am obpi - I don't honestly know how I would have handled it if my child was...

I have said this before and I will say it again. I have to wonder which is harder, to be obpi or to be the parents...
Its good to have a safe place to release your anger/frustration. Feelings are something we can't always control. We can only control how we act on our feelings. Its good to blow off steam.

Kath

[denisefreeman]

For 18 years, I have felt all alone in my world of anger.

For 18 years, I have blamed the doctors, the military installation my daughter was born on for not having the technology available to see if there could be problems.

For 18 years, I have screamed why doctors would not question why I could start my pregnancy at weighing 105 Ibs and the day of delivery, weigh 160 Ibs.

For 18 years, I have cried at every birthday my daughter had and dreamed of the things she could have accomplished if only she had the chance to start out in life the way she should have.

It has taken me 18 YEARS to come to terms with what happened to my beautiful daughter. She has lived with this all her life and knows no other way of life. I suppose it would be different if she had the use of her arm previously only to have it taken away by some accident.

I have wasted 18 years feeling angry, sorry for myself and my daughter, ashamed of the way she walked with her arm or how she carried it. Wasted precious moments crying about what could have happened in that delivery room and wishing I could go back in time and change everything.

I have carried this pain deep in my heart for so many years and my daughter carries it deeper. It has taken her 18 years to accept this injury. We have grown together and realized that we can not continue being angry anymore.

I thank god for giving me this incredible gift, as I know you do as well. For me, 18 years went very quickly. One minute, she was going off to elementary school. Next, she was trying out for her green belt in karate, then she was getting dressed for prom. Now she is about to graduate from high school and head off to college. For 18 years, I have wasted my time hating the world for what happened to my daughter.

Now I can look back through teary eyes at how incredibly proud I am of her and wishing I could turn back time, not because of what happened, but because of how precious time is.

Please, recognize and continue working through your anger. You have every right to feel the way you do. But don't let it consume you and your every thought as it did with me for years. It's not worth it. If you son sees the love and pride you have for him everyday, there is NOTHING he won't be able to accomplish in life...NOTHING.

God bless you and your son and may our children continue to amaze us with their strength and resolve.

[Kwest]

Denise --
Wow! What great advice for all of us. Thanks for your post and reminding us to enjoy our kids' lives each and every day.

[admin]

Denise,
Beautifully said ........Anger is a very important emotion, and should be felt and dealt with, but it can also be a waste of precious time when held onto for long periods of time (just my own feelings about it). If we feel so much anger and we think we're hiding it from our children, we're not. Kids are so intuitive, more so then most of us can even realize, they feel, hear and see everything we do, even when we feel were doing our best to hide it. Anger is a very powerful emotion, but forgiveness and acceptance is bigger. It takes a big person to forgive, accept and move on. Take Care
Dawn

[Carrie]

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I have waited to post on this one. I just didn't know what to say. I don't think I have any anger about this injury anymore. A few months ago, I was in a place where my anger and my emotions regarding this injury were running my life. That depression ran me down so far that everything in my life began to suffer, especially relationships. So after a particularly bad meeting with my boss about stress, I took a drive for about an hour to think and I realized that I was letting this injury run my emotions, and my life. I had stopped being able to see the things in life that I used to see so easily. The visual accidents that surprise us with beauty, the curves of a tree trunk, the way ice in winter covers branches with glass. . .I had stopped seeing because of my anger. Then I realized that there was no point in being angry. I'm not pursuing a cure, nor a lawsuit, so there was no way to channel that energy. It was just eating up at me, and that is a very very bad thing to get going. When you're unhappy you let a lot of things go that you might have noticed if you were happy. I think I will always regret the loss of that four weeks because of this. Be careful that you don't miss life because you are angry. Listen to Brittney, theres no point in mourning for your injured child, he or she is very much alive, despite being imperfect. And hey, you know what I've always thought? Everyone has a handicap, I'm glad mine is physical. Yeah, it sucks sometimes, but it doesn't help anyone to fixate on it. Do that and it will going to destroy you. Let the anger go.
Carrie