3rd birhday still i am sad about the memories of that day, anyone else?

[mlynn]

It is early but, I still break down thinking of our HORRIBLE birth. you all the story. I have been here awhile but, my personal feeling are so horrible. Not for my wonderful son. But, from the info I know and how I was so badly treated during my grueling long traumatic birth. How long will this last. I know that we are in the beginning and i want to gain the strength of you other mothers. But, I am pissed and sad about the hard decisions we have had to make & what is to come!!

[F-Litz]

I really think that most of us or at least many of us have post traumatic stress disorder. I'm 8 1/2 years into it and honestly there are certain things that are now a bit better but as things change, as Maia grows up and new things pop up and new diagnoses and situations come... well it's really hard for me. A specialist recently told me that Maia's shoulder was "too far gone" to do anything about it. Talk about a punch in the gut. I know that they are only words and Maia is proving daily how successful she can be as a one-armed child, but the words still hit home really hard and may take me months or longer to process through. I know that God has a plan in all of this I just wish He planned a little less for us. I think that we should all probably be in some sort of counseling to get through this.

[brandonsmom]

I agree with Francine. My son is doing pretty well, after two surgeries. But his birthday still bothers me and he is 8 1/2 also. We go away for his birthday.....usually on vacation somewhere, because me and my 19 year old son have the same issues. We ago away and have fun, fun ,fun and celebrate his birthday. It makes it easier for us to work around the sadness and anger amd gives us no time to think, by the time we get back.....his birthday is over...we by no means forget his birthday, we just party through it !!! GAYLE

[katep]

I have a different perspective, and I hope it doesn't hurt anyone to share it here.

I have Joshua's delivery on tape, along with most of my labor. He was born at home, with a midwife. It was truly an amazing experience. He got stuck and the midwife got him out. Yes, she probably twisted and pulled too much, but she got him out.

When he was finally born, my precious son was not breathing. He was purple and limp with muconium stains. He was wisked away to the bed where she gave him oxygen, massaged his chest, and suctioned him until he finally breathed on his own. It took him several minutes to finally start coming around.

My history with that video is really varied. I loved to watch it in the first days after he was born. Childbirth is such an amazing experience, and I was enthralled with being able to witness it. I felt such a glow to have accomplished the birth. Then came the realization that Joshua's arm was truly injured, and I could watch the video and see when it probably happened. Then watching the video was horrifying, depressing and I put it away. Later on, maybe a year, I attended an OB/GYN conference on BPI. I talked (without saying I was a parent) to many OBs about BPI. I was able to see how honestly terrifying they find shoulder dystocia, how it is the spectre that lurks in the background of every delivery. How things can go horribly, horribly wrong with stuck babies. And I could sense how so many of them felt helpless in the face of it. I gained an appreciation for the tragedy that can occur. To these doctors, BPI was - yes- a minor inconvenience compared to what they were truly afraid of. Brain injury, asphyxiation, death.

During that conference I saw a video of a delivery where the OB didn't do "anything wrong" (didn't pull on the child's head at all) but took a very long time - 6.5 minutes - before finally doing the "right thing" (a corkscrew maneuver) to get that baby out. She didn't pull, didn't twist his head... didn't do anything "wrong". But that baby *still* had an injury about the same severity as my son's.

When I got home from that conference, I watched Joshua's birth video with new eyes. This time my eyes didn't focus on the twisting to get him out. They saw a purple, almost black head that was stuck half-way out but wouldn't be born. They saw a midwife who worked quickly to get the cord from around his neck. They saw a baby come out after only 1.5 minutes of being "stuck" completely limp, totally blue, and not breathing. They saw a midwife who worked to finally revive a child who could not have survived another 5 minutes of being stuck.

Now when I watch the video of Joshua's birth, I see a baby who, if the midwife had done the correct manuevers, may not have been injured at all. But I also see a baby who, under different circumstances, may not have survived at all. I hate that he has an arm injury. But I'm going to go ahead and keep what is behind "door #1"... because it could have been much, much worse.

Kate

[brandonsmom]

Kate,
I agree with what you say, in that yes, it could have been a whole lot worse. My son was without oxygen for 20 minutes. By some miracle....he is alive, and has no brain damage, an arm that works...thanks to an experienced group of surgeons and a personality that most parents would die for their children to have. We are so very fortunate, but I still relive his horribel birth. The fact that they hid him for 36 hours until my hubby forced them to let me see him!!! It was traumatic.....to say the least...do I love him less...NO WAY, but his birthday still brings out some feelings that I Wish would go away. Even with three years of THERAPY....I am still angry. What hurts worse is that mine should have been prevented !!! I here where you are coming from....and I understand your point truly. You have a perspective in this situation that I wish I could have had....Gayle

[Mare]

Frankie's Birthday is Feb 1st. He will be 14 and no the nightmare of that day has never gone away. Its always in the back round having to explain it to someone teachers, doctors, neighbors, or when a doctor mentions another surgery or he is struggling to do something others find simple it makes you want to cry. But have any of you moms noticed our kids have amazing personalities unlike other kids. They are so strong and resilant yet patient and compassionate. Sometime I watch Frankie and think how brave and strong he is but also how strong and brave that little baby made me. And I thank God that I have him with me alive and think its only his arm it could have been so much worse. Its hard to believe I have had him almost 14 years. It seems like the years go by so fast with doctors, therapy ,surgeries I feel like we lost a lot in all the commotion. Mare

[m&mmom]

We tried to look at Matthew's birthday as a celebration of life but for the first few years a couple of weeks before his birthday I would feel a shift and my mood would change without thinking about it. Finally around his 4th birthday I was starting to do better. I have been practicing meditation lately and I think that really helps with a lot of things. This year when he turns 6 I think, no... I know I will be relaxed and enjoy the time.

[Connie&Andrew]

I haven't posted here for a long time, though I visit the site and read the posts frequently. My son (LOBPI)just had his 7th birthday. It was on Saturday, the 20th. It was Monday afternoon, after his birthday, when I was just doing my ordinary chores, when all of a sudden I realized that Andrew's birthday had passed and I had not once thought of his injury.

I remember about 4 years ago, someone posted on this board in response to a question or concern that I had and told me that some days now pass for her when she does not even think of her child's injury. I remember thinking how amazing that was and couldn't imagine that ever being the case. The injury was such an all encompassing daily thing.

That day, last Monday, I realized that I also had many days when I did not even think about the injury. There was even one day when I was watching my daughter doing something (She is now 3, non BPI) and thinking something about it being hard with the injury and then all of a sudden realizing that she wasn't injured, it was her brother.

Andrew's injury is what I would call moderate. He had the mod-quad surgery at 2 years old and in his operative report it classified his injury as severe, but he has had a very good recovery. Most people don't realize there is anything wrong. We are on a monitoring basis with his formal therapy, we go about every 3 months to make sure nothing has regressed. There are some things we can still work on and as he gets a little older I think he will have to decide what is important to him.

I guess the main reason I wanted to write is to let people who are just beginning this journey know that it can get better. It it all so personal and so different for everyone, but I never thought I could say that there would be a day go by when I did not think of the injury, but now here I am.

To mylnn, I wish you the best in your recovery process, both for your child and for yourself. I hope you can gain strength knowing that the intense feelings you have now can get better. Enjoy your son. They grow up so fast. My oldest is 23 years old now and it seems like not very long ago he was my little boy. I know how hard the days can be sometime. I spent a lot of time crying and wondering if it would every get better, but things are better now. There are still days when I wish things were different and struggle with my feelings, but they are much fewer and farther between than they used to be.

Best of luck

Connie

[mlynn]

Thanks for your stories!
My birth only not after I saw him, but the day he should have been born dec 25. My labor is the worst thing I have EVER been through. I know I have pts and I am in counseling but, that day is hard for me.

[Joanie]

Thanks, Kate, for your beautiful story. I can only hope that it's how my mother felt, though there was no such thing as a video back then.

If there is anyone out there who would rather forget your child's birthday, because of the trauma of reliving it, please remember your child's feelings as his/her birthday approaches. If you ignore your child's birthday, your child may interpret this as, "I'm sorry that you were ever born." Please make sure that your child knows that you are happy to "keep what is behind 'door #1'."

Hugs,

Joanie