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[Marydroz]

Hi im new here and looking for some advice. My mother thinks that all the attention I pay to my child's arm is damaging her. She says I would be better to not always be saying "use righty" and massaging it and talking to it. I sometimes think she wants my child to be handicapped!
Does anyone else have this problem?

[admin]

I think your mother means well although it isn't coming across to you that way. My parents and other family members have always told me not to make a big production of my daughter's arm so that she doesn't feel different. I would get mad and say that just do not understand what we go through everyday. BUT at the same time I always knew that I wouldn't talk about it everyday with her and (she will be 5 in Sept) and I haven't done that. I know a lot of people who use the terms "lefty" and "righty", but for myself I never did. I never did b/c I don't want her naming her injured arm. I want her to treat it just like her uninjured arm. It may be hard for that, but I want to try. By myself not naming it, that's a start in my book. Sometimes she will not be able to accomplish something and she will say it is b/c of her "boo-boo arm." This gets to me and I tell her that it is not a boo-boo arm, it is the arm that used to have a boo-boo and now the doctors and therapists are fixing it. And I ask her, "Does it feel like a boo-boo arm?" and she will say no. Thankfully. So I agree with your mother to a point. There is way to help our children without talking about their injury all of the time. I encourage you to try therapy and stretching during play times. Do not talk about it to the child, just do it yourself. Most of the time they will not realize why you are doing it anyway which is a good thing. I also think it depends on how severe the childs injury is. If an older child gets annoyed everyday with their injured arm I am sure the parent must have to speak about it everyday with them. Ella will only be 5 in Sept so we didn't get to any point like that yet. I think the parents have to remain positive, even in a severe injury or the child will grow to be self conscious or develop low self esteem. For example, when the injury comes up in discussion maybe you can say something like, "we are working on excerising your arm so that it keeps getting better over time. I know our hard work will pay off." Instead of saying something like, "I know your arm doesn't work for you so we have to do therapy."
I am not sure of the age of your child, but positive statements can help the child grow up to feel secure in their own bodies. Anything with a negative aspect will make the child worry and think about the arm too much.
Also, your child will not grow handicapped just b/c you are not talking about the injury everyday. I think it actually helps a child at a young age to not have to think about their arm daily. Like I said before, it can be different if the injury is very severe. Massaging is good. How about asking your child to massage your arm or hands b/c it feels good for you too? Not because you are trying to work on her arm. I always did this. I would call it a baby massage and have my two children lay in front of me on the floor or bed and I would take turns making them "feel relaxed." I would then of course massage her injured arm a little bit more than anything else. It worked and she had no idea what I was doing. Of course it is okay to treat the arm while being obvious to the child at some points of the day/week. BUT everyday is something I don't believe in and never did. I work with my child with exercises daily, but I make it play for some days just to give her a break from the injury. Those days, the arm and injury are not discussed at all. They need a break sometimes just like we do.
Anyway, I think this response went all over the place, but I hope you can see my view on this.
~Krista~

[Jallie]

You know what's best for your child and you should follow your gut instinct. I am sure your mother's intentions are good, but she is not in your shoes. I went through a similar experience when my daughter was very small. I couldn't help myself to remind anyone that picked her up to "be careful of her arm". And believe me, my family was tired of hearing it. I had asked her Doc. if I was being neurotic and he replied "you have to be" and that was all I needed for validation. With this injury almost everything your child does games, playing, feeding, toys,can be an opportunity for therapy. We didn't name her arm either, but I say to her "use both hands". My daughter is very functional for the extent of her injury and I contribute a lot of that to all the stimulation and constant play therapy. We have been very not to let her use her arm as an excuse for not doing something or trying something. Best wishes to you and your child.
Julie W.
Mother of Emily (8)

[admin]

All of my kids' arms, injured or not, were named leftie and rightie if I think about it. What difference does it make if I refer to her injured arm as leftie if I refer to her uninjured arm as rightie? They all knew their right from left well before most, if not all kids in their class.

[kamren]

When I was a kid, my family acted like I was no different from other kids. For me, this is a problem. Cause I WAS different. I WAS handicapped. Just because it isn't as obvious as someone who is in a wheelchair, for example, doesn't mean I wasn't handicapped.

There is a fine line, I think, for a parent. You need to be encouraging and supportive, but also recognize that this isn't just going to "heal" our arms will never work like our uninjured playmates.

I just know that pretending I wasn't "handicapped", caused me to have to deal with a lot of things when I was a teen, that would have been a lot easier if I could have dealt with them when I was younger.

Kimberly 38
LOBPI

[admin]

As infants parents will be a lot different early on caompred to when they are a little older and as the child grows. Even parents to a baby with no injury will be worried, maybe paranoid about things and the list goes on. For a injured child of course the worry is there even more. I think these posters are referring to a toddler like age so it doesnot apply to how to pick the infant up and things from that early stage. I do agree that the arm does not need a nick-name. If you already name the arms for learning purposes that is fine but to name the arm only for the injury there is not a real meaning to that. I do not consider my child handicapped. It is a moderate injury, but it does not handicap my child. That does not mean I ignore it and help my child ignore it so when they are older they will have to cope with it for the first time. As one of the posters said, the children need a break for a while especially at a young age. There is no reason to talk about the injury an a daily basis if it is not needed. I consider myself lucky that it is not something we need to discuss daily. My child is well aware of the injury. Just because some of us do not live and breathe this injury does not mean that we ignore the injury and our child will all of the sudden have to face it one day later in life. Everyone deals with it differently and we do what we think is right for our own kiddos. Nobody can be wrong here. That is a fact.

[Carolyn J]

Hi MOm's,
This is my "2 cents":...
All of you Moms are Fantastic & ROCK!Naming or not naming our BPI arms is a personal choice. It is very interesting when you ask a BPI child if they would like to name it.
There is a whole Topic Thread on "naming" and How to talk with your child about it somewhere on here. Also you are sure to find a "Humorous" Topic Thread on the Adult Message Board,you are very welcome there and ALL Message Boards too.
Personally, I dearly wish my mother/family talked about it,..it never happened. I ditto Kamren on this subject.
HUGS to ALL,
Carolyn J
Adult LOBPI
Age 68 & proud of it!

[Angela Butterfly]

Dear Mary,
I don't visit very often anymore...I used to have all summer off from working, and I used to have my oldest daughter coming home from college each summer with her computer. This summer she is doing her Rotations and only comes home for visits.

In 2003 I posted this Speech written by my oldest daughter, and brought it back up each year since, so the post has gotten rather lenghthy with a lot of additional info.

I mention this post because it gives the perspective of Jill and her siblings. I did not have a mother, but I did have a mother in law. As mentioned in the Speech, she babysat, on occasion. Otherwise I got NO help, and little mention of Jill and her injury from anyone. I did speak of it ALOT, when she was young. As Jill got older SHE found THAT irritating.

Jill got married to her boyfriend of 5 1/2 years on July 8, 2006. It was a BIG church wedding with all the usual fanfair.
Jill is beginning her 5th and final year in college (Double Major) in ART Education. Every year, in April, one (or two) of her pieces of art, make it into the Juried Student's Art Exhibition, that fills the college Art Museum.

I hope this post is applicable for this reply
http://ubpn.org/messageboard/thread ... 5&tstart=0

Angela, Mom to 3, Jill born 1984 severe LOBPI

[mynani]

Hi there! I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing! Mother's mean well, but they don't know everything...my mother was in complete denial about the whole thing until we took our daughter home with all of these scheduled appt's to PT and neurologists and such...I always encouraged my daughter to use her right arm, I would make her hold her own bottle when she was old enough...also, our PT told us to use different stimuli to her hands, etc, so that she would have the same sense of touch as her other arm...Now our daughter is 7 years old and just had her first and hopefully last surgery. My mother always tells me what a fantastic job we have done, and how much good I did for her and that I am the reason that she has recovered so well...so keep the faith and stand strong...your mother will realize and respect you for knowing what is best for your child And in your heart, you know you are doing all of the right things

Kim

[admin]

Well said:)