Telling your child

[AlannahD]

Was wondering how one would tell a 3-year-old about their injury to their arm, in order to explain the need for surgeries, wearing a splint, etc. Thanks - Camille

[roxxy]

hi camille,
That is such a good ?. My son (2.5) recently had a muscle transfer surgery and we just told him that this was to help fix his arm and he accepted that. It might
b harder as he gets older but I am thankful that for now he just goes with it.

[admin]

Camille,

You just do it with the love in your heart. Your child does not need to know much in advance of the surgery. Upon entering that surgical environment, the staff there should be wise enough to work hard to lessen fears. For my child the setting was entirely one of play. She was shifted toward the surgical setting, but that was done in a red wagon, and amazingly kind people. She was in the pre-op setting, but the staff and I kept her constantly engaged. My child received a liquid sedative, and she feel asleep imeediately. She arrived from her operation, very hungry and I just feed her. She never cried. She was never afraid. She discovered a hard-cast, and she thought that it was just weird...

[Tanya in NY]

Just tell the truth. Short, concise explanations. Kids at that age don't want to know all the details just yet. They just want to know the basics. For example, if a kid at that age asks "where do babies come from," they most likely would be happy with the answer of "from a mommy" rather than going into details of the birds and the bees if you know what I mean. My daughter doesn't ask a lot of questions just yet. I tell her that we go see Dr. Kozin so he can see how her arm is and to see if he can make it better and better. We say the same when it comes to therapy, splint, and her one surgery. We do these things because your arm isn't quite the same as your other one and by doing this we hope it will make it easier for you to do everything you want to. Just the basics at age 3 I think. Just my opinion. Good luck.

Tanya in NY
Amber's Mom, ROBPI, 3 years old

[brandonsmom]

Brandon never really asked. All his surgeries were done young. When he was little about 4 he was watching NEMO and commented about him having a fin like NEMO. I guess I am lucky, Brandon thinks that everyone has a arm like his. When I have to take him for an appointment, I just tell him we are going to see the doctor that made him better when he was a baby. He loves his surgeon and looks foward to his visits. He is 7 1/2 now so he understands more. I did tell him one time that he got stuck inside of mommy and the doctor had to pull him out, he just said"I hope that I didn't hurt you mommy" of course I told him "NO" !!! He never associated that with the fact that his arm was hurt ! Last time when we saw the surgeon, he was asked to throw a ball to the doctor...he did it perfectly....the doctor said,""Boy, I am impressed" and Brandon replied,"How can you be impressed you made me like this!" Good Luck, Brandon is very low key about his arm, could care less that it is different and doesn't care what others think. I think a girl might be a little different !!! Gayle

[Melissa Andrade]

I hope that this helps. I have a 10 year old with Erb's Palsy. When he was small, he called his right arm his "Owie Arm." The hardest thing you can do is let the child do what any other child can do and watch him struggle. That is SO hard. As they get older, you can add more and more information. I always told Nick that his arm was special, and because of that, special things had to be done for it. The second hardest thing is to have them become aware of the differences in their limbs and other kids' limbs. If you are honest with your child, and you gear all your talks to his/her age level, he/she will understand. I recently had a long talk with my son about how hard he has to try to do things that his brothers can do easily. I told him that because of this he will have a kind of strength that they will never have to develop. That every single time he learns to do something with his arm, he is becoming stronger in his spirit, as well as in his arm. I watch Nick a lot, because there are times when he gets depressed about his limitations, and I learned when to say something. Mostly, we just go about daily business with no mention of the arm. You love your child, so you will learn what to say and when to say it. I am sorry this reply was so long. I hope it helps. Remember, too, that usually the kids are a bunch better at moving on than we are.

[TNT1999]

Hi, Camille. I'm posting a link to a page on Francine's site where she saved replies about telling a child about surgery. There are no names on the posts (my reply is the first one -- about the 2 1/2 y.o. -- I can't believe it's been 4 1/2 yrs. since I wrote that!). Anyway, I hope this helps.

http://www.injurednewborn.com/maia/whattotell.html

Sharon / roxxy, I hope you'll read the link too. I wanted to point out to you what I'd written about saying that the dr. will "fix" the arm. I've always been careful about not using that term b/c we never know how children will interpret things. In Nicole's case, I know that she has a permanent injury (as is likely the case in any child having surgery) and no surgery will "completely fix" her arm. A child might have expectations of the BPI arm becoming just like the other arm if they hear the word fix. Then, they might later be disappointed and uspset when the arm isn't totally fixed. I hope you understand. Just adding my thoughts. Hope this helps.

~Tina